Why will your child never learn to work hard?

At one time, I was the \”successful mother\” envied by people around me, not because I was so good, but because I had an outstanding daughter. My daughter has always been \”other people\’s children\” since she was a child. Not only does she have excellent grades, but she has also developed all her talents in an all-round way and won numerous awards in various competitions. Everyone always praises her: \”Her child not only studies well, but also has many specialties. He is also very sensible and obedient. It would be great if my child could be like this.\” Whenever I hear such words, I will be humble and polite, but I also feel sad in my heart. I think I taught my children well. This is indeed the case. For my daughter\’s study, I try my best every day and invest a lot of energy and money without blinking an eye. At home, she is never asked to do any housework. Everything is prepared for her and she is never distracted. There is only one requirement: study hard! Don’t worry about anything else! In this way, my daughter lived up to her expectations and was admitted to a key class in a key high school! However, in the first midterm exam, my daughter ranked 35th in the class, and her ranking continued to decline, almost to the bottom! What we didn\’t expect was that on an ordinary weekend, our daughter suddenly said to us: \”I don\’t want to study anymore, I really can\’t study anymore.\” My first reaction was disbelief: \”Are you crazy? It\’s so good. Why don\’t you go to school?\” But my daughter\’s determination made me understand that she was not discussing with me, she was just informing me. This news was like a bolt from the blue, blinding me. I went from persuading patiently to making noises and using all kinds of means to intimidate and threaten, but my daughter seemed to be a completely different person and refused to go to school. I forced her to take her to school, but she didn\’t study hard. She was listless all day and even fell asleep in class. The teacher complained to us several times. This tug-of-war lasted for a while, and finally I had no choice but to help my daughter suspend schooling. After leaving school, the atmosphere at home became tense. I did not give up the idea of ​​sending my daughter back to school, and kept looking for opportunities to persuade her, while she locked herself in her room, slept in the dark, and watched movies. Once we met each other, she stared at me with strange eyes, as if looking at a person who is extremely disgusted: \”As soon as I hear you looking for an opportunity to talk to me, I feel out of breath. Can you stop talking to me?\” Are you trying to force me to death?\” My heart bleeds after hearing this, but I don\’t dare to fight back, for fear that my daughter will do something drastic. One day, due to long-term mental and physical exhaustion, I fainted at the company, but my daughter’s reaction when she found out was simply cold-blooded: “Is this a trick? Have you thought of this trick again?” She didn’t believe it at all, I was serious. Passed out. My daughter\’s sarcastic words suddenly woke me up: What did I do wrong to bring the parent-child relationship to this point? I have heard a saying that parents are originals and children are copies. It was also the first time that I began to reflect on my own education methods, what went wrong, and what is truly best for children. I searched frantically on the Internet for information about adolescent children who were rebellious and dropped out of school, and found that there were many families just like me. It was also in the process of seeking solutions that I gradually understood the methods and concepts of educating children., and constantly adjust their own education methods. I didn\’t understand before. Why did my daughter, who used to do whatever she was told to do, suddenly started to be rebellious? I discovered later that I had always only asked my children to learn! Elementary school students must memorize ancient poems and calligraphy copybooks for download [Translation ultra-clear PDF 233M] My idea is, as a student, is her task just to study? In fact, this is a common problem among most parents nowadays. We have all overlooked one issue – children are human beings with ideas, feelings and pursuits, not a simple learning machine! Especially for adolescent children, they begin to explore the meaning of their lives and will often ask themselves: \”What on earth am I doing? What is the meaning?\” Just like my daughter, when she is learning to go smoothly, she herself If you are good at learning, you will naturally be active and confident. However, once she encounters difficulties and challenges and has no breakthrough for a long time, she will fall into self-doubt and enter a state of severe confusion. She will feel that she is not suitable for learning, that learning is meaningless to herself, and eventually she will get tired of studying. As Fan Deng once said: \”The root of children\’s rebellion is confusion and helplessness!\” My daughter\’s confusion and helplessness made her become rebellious and tired of studying, and eventually she dropped out of school. Something that happened when I got along with my daughter flashed through my mind like a revolving lantern. After reviewing and reflecting on it, I understood the reasons: 1. I don’t look at my daughter’s good side, only what she does. The bad part is that I always blame my children: Mathematics has improved, but why has English deteriorated? Don\’t raise your tail. Why are we so far behind in this ranking? You must study hard. Do you know how expensive it is to enroll you in a one-on-one cram school? 2. Especially after I entered high school and my academic ranking dropped, I became more strict with her: When I came home from get off work, my daughter came out to greet me. Before I even took off my shoes, she asked, \”Have you finished your homework today?\” When I check my homework at night, I will point out her problems in a face-to-face manner, and my daughter will not dare to express her anger under my anger. With this kind of supervision day after day, as long as my daughter is in front of me, I am always ordering, urging, and instructing her to do something, but I have never thought of caring about her stress and emotions! Unexpectedly, these pressures eventually overwhelmed her! Wrong educational concepts made me suppress my daughter without knowing it, and I was still complacent that I \”know how to educate.\” What children want is the care and help of their parents, not managers, supervisors and rulers. To educate children, parents should not scold or belittle them, but give them full love and tolerance, and be their children\’s supporters and companions, rather than being leaders or supervisors who only make demands. I began to try to reconcile with my children. Starting from the communication with my daughter, I learned to change: 1. Help the children find new points of interest and re-energize the children\’s courage to face problems. The psychologist Winnicott proposed a concept called transition. Sexual space refers to gaining the courage and strength to solve real problems by creating an imaginary space. For children, hobbies and interests are their transitional space. Whether the child is writing, playing ball, playing with Lego, or reading novels, it is he who entersEntering a transitional space can relieve anxiety and tension, but parents usually prohibit their children from doing these things for fear of delaying their studies. Transitional spaces can help children gain mental strength to combat setbacks in school and life. Once parents deprive their children of this opportunity, a large amount of negative emotions will accumulate, and eventually \”a big deal\” will befall the parents. Therefore, parents should reserve a \”transitional space\” for their children, and the children will draw strength from it. 2. Make use of children’s psychological characteristics to “save the country” due to changes in the brain and hormones. Adolescent children often have two characteristics: first, the prefrontal cortex is not fully developed and they are prone to impulsivity; second, they have strong self-awareness. It is the nature of parents to love their children, but many parents turn their love into harm because they do not understand their children\’s psychological characteristics. At first, the communication went poorly. I asked my daughter, what do you want to do without going to school? Do you have any ideas? My daughter is always wary: \”Why are you asking me this? I have nothing to do and no ideas.\” I realized that because the answer I wanted in my heart was \”I want to go back to school\”, and my daughter also noticed my mind, so I have been escaping. Until one day, I told my daughter, you can do whatever you want, you don’t have to go to school, you can continue to take a break from school. After her daughter repeatedly confirmed that she would not be scolded, she said, I want to write a novel. I agreed. During the whole process, I controlled my thoughts of persuasion, respected my daughter\’s emotions and wishes, actively provided support, and bought her a monitor and an e-book reader. After immersed in writing for more than a month, my daughter said: This is the first time I have accomplished what I want to do, not because of the pressure of grades or the pressure of my parents. I did it, and I can do other things from now on. arrive. My daughter told me her psychological process: \”I want to drop out of school because I feel that all my strength has been drained out and I am constantly being chased by pressure. When you don\’t agree with my dropout and scold me, I want to be with you.\” I am fighting against you just to get back at you, because only in this way can I win you!\” \”But mom, you have changed. When you no longer force me to study and help me find my interests, I feel that you really love me.\” I cried. I cried and apologized to my daughter: \”I\’m sorry, because my mother doesn\’t understand education, it has caused you so much harm.\” My daughter said that it feels good to be trusted by her mother, accompany her, and wait for her. She is very grateful to me for the changes I have made for her. More than half a month later, my daughter told me that she was ready and wanted to go back to school. She comforted me: I will make up for the missed courses. I have the ability to learn, so don\’t worry. Nowadays, although my daughter still fails to enter the top ten in the class, I no longer ask her blindly. I just say to her: \”Just do your best. No matter what the result is, we love you and support you!\” Walking through this dark and long time Through the twists and turns, I deeply realized that understanding children is not an easy task. Too many parents don’t know how to educate their children, and they are helpless when faced with their children’s rebellion and dislike of learning. Many parents don\’t understand why their always well-behaved children suddenly become rebellious; and the children find that no matter what they say, their parents don\’t understand them, and they still follow their previous thinking and ask for things.If you beg yourself, conflicts will break out. I sincerely hope that parents who have adolescent children who “suddenly” rebellious can start to adjust their education methods. In fact, there are no children who \”suddenly\” become ignorant, there are only parents who have been \”making mistakes\” without knowing it.