How can you not cause permanent damage to a child if you are so callous and stupid?

A reader left me a message saying that a few days ago, her cousin’s daughter, who was in the third grade of junior high school, jumped from her bedroom window. Fortunately, her house was on the second floor and she was caught by an old basket. She only suffered a fractured calf and waist, but the rest was not serious. I asked the child why she had come to this point, and she said that the child had been having a cold war with her mother for almost a year. At first, the family of three always quarreled because the child\’s performance declined greatly while playing with mobile phones. Later, the father and mother separated and went to work and live in another city. Only the mother and daughter were left here. My mother is a stay-at-home mother. After her husband moved away, she saw that she really couldn\’t control the children, so she left them alone. She no longer gave the children money, and she only ate by herself. The children mostly ate at school and did not eat the food cooked by her mother on weekends. Order takeout. Mother and daughter basically don\’t talk, ignore each other, don\’t interfere with each other, and occasionally come into contact. It feels like they hate each other. At home, the mother is often watching TV in the living room and scrolling through her mobile phone. No one knows what her daughter is doing in the bedroom when she comes back from school. Her studies are getting worse and worse. She is now at the bottom of the grade and is probably not going to be admitted to high school. However, she has a better relationship with her father. She says that her father often gives her pocket money, but she also hates her father. My mother is getting sloppy and bloated, and she doesn\’t like to talk to others. After the child\’s accident, the father is now back. After reading this reader\’s narration, I felt extremely confused and felt an indescribable understanding and sympathy for what happened to the mother and daughter. I asked for some details, and the reader said she wasn\’t sure. How to improve emotional intelligence magic training camp pdf From these, I think of the following three points. It is very foolish for any family to have a cold war with adolescent children. As long as you are raising children, there will be times when you will be in close contact with adolescence. When children reach adolescence, as long as they still have a little bit of self-awareness, or their self-awareness has not been completely swallowed up and diffused by their powerful parents, they will definitely express themselves, even if they grow into their thirties or forties. I have observed and noticed all types of children without exception. There are a few children who live completely according to the arrangements and will of their parents. They have excellent grades and appear to be well-behaved. They have no adolescent rebellion from beginning to end. I think these are not other people’s children that are enviable. They are children who have become their parents’ lives. within, not himself. It looks good to outsiders, but it is actually the saddest thing. However, in families where parents are open-minded, intelligent, and democratic, and know how to allow their children to develop healthy self-esteem from an early age, their children’s adolescent rebellion will not be obvious and will pass without them noticing. Why is it not obvious? Children are themselves all the way. Children have no shortage of opportunities to try and make decisions on their own since childhood, and have experienced countless opportunities for success and failure. He has been asserting his rights all the way, and has his own territory all the way. There is nothing to rebel against or fight against with his parents! There are not many families like this. Although our generation born in the 1970s and 1980s has taken advantage of all the dividends of social and economic development, we have also encountered the most difficult children in history to educate. When addiction to mobile phones and adolescence come together like a flood, some people\’s defense lines collapse in an instant. . Just like this reader\’s cousin, her own psychological construction has not been completed, and she has not yet dealt with the relationship between the outside world and herself, so she encountered an adolescent with a gun and a stick.Regarding the child, she first followed her feelings, then she was at a loss, and then she seized on the seemingly fatal weapon of indifference to the child, and used her own temperament to have a cold war with the child, resulting in the same tragedy as the beginning. My own experience is that when adolescent children rebel against us, they can get angry, they can choose to leave the scene, and they can be defeated by their children, but they must not be in a cold war, especially not for a long time. If communication at this time can only make everyone more angry, then stay silent first, put aside the problems and conflicts, and then communicate in another way when both parties are relieved. The cold war will not only fail to solve the problem, but will also increase mutual hatred and make the suppressed anger nowhere to be released. Once a collision occurs, it will inevitably be a raging fire. A good home should be a stream of living water, driven by love and constructive communication, so that it can flow. The correct approach is to first realize that children are our flesh and blood, and that they live well and happily is our greatest hope. As parents and elders, we have more experience and wider knowledge than they do, and we should be more tolerant and tolerant of them. Be considerate and don\’t share the same views with them. If there is a conflict, you will still care about, encourage and comfort him. For example, after an argument, the child closes the door of his room. We might as well go for a walk. When the anger subsides and the meal is ready, we still have to call them to eat in a good voice. If we can do this, even the most arrogant child will not follow. Parents hold grudges for a long time. As long as the child\’s door is open to us, all problems can be solved. Over the years of learning to control situations, one of my personal insights is that the process of raising and educating is also the process of self-learning and self-transcendence for us adults. Children can really bring us many opportunities for self-renewal and growth. Because of raising children, I have experienced many times of reborn growth. So, what was the watershed moment? It was in the process of getting along with my children that I finally learned to take control of the situation. What does it mean to control a situation? That is when your adolescent child gets angry and collides with you, you have a clear understanding of the situation, can control yourself in an instant, and understand how to deal with it next, and then calmly and calmly steer the situation in the direction you expect. It is to admit your mistakes immediately and without hesitation, apologize immediately when you need to apologize, and never back down when you need to be tough. I found that once I have the ability to control the situation, even if I speak in an extremely soft manner, I am still full of power. Once the situation is under control, not only will your child be led by your nose, but he will also admire your loving kindness and calmness when he is angry. Both parties will immediately stop spending energy and start studying and living efficiently. However, this seemingly powerful ability to control a situation cannot be learned immediately. I only mastered this ability gradually. The premise is that you need to accumulate enough psychological energy and become a mentally strong person first. Secondly, you need to observe and understand your children. Don\’t look down on your children. There are currently two main types of parents with adolescent children. The first type is those who were originally very strong, but were defeated by their children, and began to fear their children, worrying that they would accidentally make their children unhappy and reignite the war at home. Always act based on the child\’s face, give in everywhere, be submissive, and let the child say everythingHave the final say. The other type is parents who have modern educational concepts. They have learned a lot of advanced parenting concepts but failed to digest them properly. They know how to give their children enough love and freedom, and give their children unlimited tolerance and consideration. As a result, they blindly satisfy their children and only advocate for them. Your own boundaries and rights are like a crime, and you unknowingly regard your children as God. Both of these situations are unacceptable! It is not easy to be a parent. We must always remind ourselves that we cannot lose ourselves because of our love for our children, become a person without self-awareness, and become the shadow of our children. Never forget at any time that we ourselves are also independent people, we have our own souls, we have our own way to go in this life, and we must live our own wonderful lives. We and our children should influence each other and shine on each other. But we and our children are always two parallel lines. Self-respect, intimacy and independence are the appropriate distance.