It is not the children who are rebellious in adolescence, but the parents

Many people think that when children start to rebel during adolescence, this is the beginning of family conflicts. I think this is a misunderstanding. This misunderstanding comes from two aspects. On the one hand, the misunderstanding and conflicts begin in youth. Generally speaking, the war between children and parents has started long ago, but in previous wars, the children were always the ones who lost. Because when a child is young, it is easier for us to subdue him. Whether it is blaming, beating, scolding, controlling, etc., all methods will be useful to the child and the child will be defeated. I have been beaten for playing with mobile phones, scolded for having conflicts with classmates, scolded for being slow in doing homework, and belittled for poor grades… these have almost run through the childhood of many children. Many parents have felt that these methods are effective over a long period of time. As a result, when the child reached adolescence, the previous methods of treating him were useless. The parents were very uncomfortable and found that they could no longer win against their children. In fact, children always want to listen to themselves and make their own decisions. During adolescence, they just become more capable, their little arms and legs become stronger and stronger, and they have the ability to resist. However, many times, even if the child wins, the chances of winning are not good-looking. They often even win miserably, such as their grades plummeting, dropping out of school, and becoming addicted to the Internet. Parents are easily disappointed with their adolescent children. His behavior, habits, daily routine, learning ability, and interpersonal skills are all unsatisfactory. But few people have seriously thought about the long-term impact of our relationship with our children in the past ten years or so. In the process of getting along with us, have children learned how to develop good habits, how to solve their own problems, and how to get help when faced with problems? How to cooperate with environmental resources? Many people think that I taught him. How was it taught? It\’s probably like, study hard, don\’t be playful, don\’t be distracted, don\’t play with your mobile phone, otherwise you will get poor grades and your future life will be miserable. To put it in a narrow sense, many parents’ education is just to engage in a power struggle with their children. They just want their children to listen to me and I want to be the winner. As for what children should do to develop better, there is a lack of guidance in this aspect. This is not so much family education as family politics. Rome was not built in a day. A disappointing child must grow up under disappointment. In the end he becomes increasingly disappointing, what\’s wrong with that? The second aspect of misunderstanding is that we think that it is the rebellion of adolescent children that causes war between us. The child has not become rebellious. He\’s just growing. Entering his period of rapid development, he will have more strength and ideas than before, and he will be more willing to try than before. This is a natural process. Just like the little buds in spring, they will start to come to life in summer. But many parents hope that their children will remain the same as before, that obedient, sensible, easy-to-manage little person. If the child can\’t do it, then the parents will think of a thousand ways to make it difficult for the child. I remember one student showing me posts about all the ways their parents made life difficult for them. \”My mother said, if you don\’t study hard,, I will be looked down upon by others, and I will have to marry ugly and poor men in the future. I feel that I will already have low self-esteem before I get there.\” \”My parents said that the half hour I spent playing on my phone was what everyone else was doing. After taking several questions, my score dropped by ten points in just a short while. I felt like chatting with a friend on my mobile phone only had to bear the glare of her eyes, which made me feel unable to relax and tense all the time. \”My parents were worried that I would do something wrong while I was doing my homework, so they moved my desk to the living room. The two of them were scrolling through their phones while supervising me while I was doing my homework. It felt like I was serving a sentence at home. What a prisoner. It’s not a crime for two people to watch, right? \”… She said, my mother is not much better. She almost doesn\’t let me do the things I like to do. Anyway, she always has her own set of standards. Unless she follows her standards, she will be in all kinds of situations. It’s hard to be a person. I just don’t understand why I can’t take a break when I get home and I have to do my homework first. Why I have to memorize English when I get up in the morning and can’t do math. My mother said that I am always against her. Objectively speaking, it is She likes to fight against me. Studying is very difficult. She also makes trouble for me all day long. It is tiring enough to deal with studying, but also to deal with her. I smiled helplessly after hearing this. I remembered a famous saying of Teacher Zeng. In adolescence, It’s not the children who have become rebellious, it’s the parents who have become rebellious. Because they always have to go against their children. A must-read parenting book for parents recommends how to accept children unconditionally pdf. After explaining this misunderstanding, we return to the commonplace topic: That child doesn’t care It’s not possible. The child’s study is not good enough. Do parents have to stand by and watch? Even if they want to stand by and watch, I can’t do it. Then let’s talk about how to manage it. I have a friend who, when his child was in the third grade of junior high school, She felt that her child’s grades were not good enough and that she might not be able to go to her ideal high school, so she resolutely quit her job and devoted herself to studying with her child. Within two months, she called me, sometimes furious and sometimes bursting into tears. I felt that my child I can\’t understand her painstaking efforts. She has made such a big sacrifice herself just for her child\’s study. As a result, her child\’s learning is even worse now. The two of them argue about when to memorize English, when to get up, how to learn physics, and how to use mobile phones. There were endless quarrels over how to play. She found that her intervention did not make the child love learning more, but made the child not even want to talk to her. She said, what do I want? Maybe I just want to be unhappy. . But I dare not say. Why do we believe that children’s performance will improve by leaps and bounds with our intervention? Is it because we have had such experience in educating children in the past? Or do we believe that we suddenly become particularly influential on children? Or are we special? Do you believe in your own methods? When children become disobedient, disobedient, and quarrel with us, we will choose to speak harsher words, hit the child harder, and control the child more severely. We think that such punishment will make the child better. . Punishment has an effect, but its effect is like this: short-term gain, long-term loss. That is, when we use methods such as beating and scolding to control, this is how we guide children not to do bad things, the consequences will be very serious Horrible. The message conveyed is that I am not satisfied with you. The terrible queen in my heartFruit is your destination. Many children do not learn how to do something well throughout their growth period. So how can we guide children to acquire good habits, learning methods, and communication skills? Let adolescence not be so bombarded. Simply put, it means always communicating how to do it. The first step is that the child has a problem. Concrete the problem. What are his difficulties? For example, if you can\’t finish your homework or get poor test scores, what\’s the reason? What problems does he have that are making it difficult for him academically? The second step is to communicate with the child. What are his thoughts and countermeasures? How does he plan to improve the current difficulties? The third step is if he does it, just acknowledge it. If he can\’t do it, continue discussing why he can\’t do it, what are the difficulties, and are there any other ways? what can I do for you? Always communicate what the problem is and how to solve it. The advantage of this is that it always tells the child that the problem needs to be solved and can also be solved. If he can\’t figure it out, we\’d love to help. The underlying attitude is trust. If you always catch your child doing something bad, you will firmly pin him in a disappointing position. Many parents feel frustrated when communicating with their children about solutions to problems. This is because on the one hand, changes are not so rapid, and they may prefer to turn stone into gold quickly. Otherwise, this method is invalid. The more important reason is that it may be uncomfortable for him to communicate like this because it is not in line with his subconscious wishes. Subconsciously, we may want our children to be decadent, unruly, leisurely, do whatever they want, mediocre, and dependent… But on a conscious level, we also want them to work hard, excel, and have a bright future. Then, in effect, we cannot give our children support. Because the child will receive two conflicting messages, both of which will have an impact on him and leave him at a loss as to what to do. At this point, it\’s either up to us to resolve our own conflicts. Step back from the position of always making things difficult for your children and antagonizing them. Either leave the battlefield where your child is learning, and in the words of Teacher Zeng, give your child some space. When you don’t take care of him, God will take care of him.