Why are children becoming more and more stupid?

I came across a short video a few days ago, in which a little boy broke down and cried because he scored 99 points in the exam. Why are you still crying after getting 99 points in the test? How to raise children with high IQ? How is it made? The reason is that when he excitedly told his parents the news that he had scored 99 points in the exam and expected praise from his parents, the first thing his parents did was to find fault with him: Where was the 1 point deducted? Are you being careless? The child in the short video cried with all his strength: You never cared about how well I did in the exam! I was full of expectations, but what I finally received was a basin of cold water that was so refreshing. How happy I was before, how frustrated I felt the next second. Why are parents always picky? In fact, it is not difficult to understand why some parents are always picky about their children. It is nothing more than fear of children being proud, wanting children to know their shortcomings, not wanting to praise them in person, etc. It is nothing more than hoping that children can treat their own learning, words, deeds, etc. with high requirements. For a long time, \”finding faults\” has been the most direct way for many parents to make people better. Learning: \”The shape of the hand is flat\”, \”The pen is held wrongly\”, \”The color is on the table\”, \”The house is painted crookedly\”. Life: \”The mangoes are all on your clothes\”, \”Don\’t be picky and eat them quickly\”; \”Toys are all over the house again\”; \”You can\’t stop watching (TV) again, right?\” Social: \”Why do you ignore others when they say hello to you?\”, \”Why don\’t you give one of the cookies to the children?\”, \”If others don\’t like you, don\’t rush them next time.\” Parents think they are just pointing out their children\’s problems, but when their children are picked on, they often feel that they are being denied and rejected. Every time a child fails to do something, we will pickyly \”leave\” the inability and then magnify it to become strong evidence for criticizing him in the future. If we think about this behavior carefully, we are actually constantly collecting evidence to prove that children cannot do it. If a child is often proved to be unable by you, what will happen to this child in the long run? He must be giving up on himself and not believing in himself. What\’s even more frightening is that picky parents will use the guise of \”I\’m not doing it for your own good.\” But in fact, the essence of being picky is not love, but the self that has never been understood or accepted deep in the parents\’ hearts. Because I was used to being criticized when I was growing up, and I have never experienced the power of appreciation. Therefore, as parents now, we hope that our children will do well, but at the same time, we are also used to focusing on the shortcomings, mistakes, and bad aspects of our children. The pickier the children, the worse off they are. Daniel Wegener, a social psychologist at Harvard University in the United States, once missed an experiment in which participants were asked to imagine anything in their minds, except a white bear. As a result, the participants\’ thinking rebounded strongly, and soon a white bear appeared in their minds. This is the famous \”rebound experiment\”, which tells us that in many cases, the less you want your child to do something, the more it will occupy the child\’s mind. This is because our fault-finding is equivalent to repeatedly presenting the mistake in the child\’s mind. As your desire to correct becomes stronger and stronger, the child will feel a stronger contrasting response. Even if children subjectively do not want to make mistakes, they are always in a state of tension because they are always worried about making mistakes.The more nervous and fearful you are, the more anxious you are and the more likely you are to make mistakes. Not only that, always being too strict and picky with your children may also limit your children\’s intellectual development. A study conducted by the University of Montreal found that harsh \”parenting methods\” can lead to changes in children\’s brain structure. Many things that should have been solved by children through their own intelligence have turned into emotional problems. We all know that the human brain is divided into three parts: the first part is called the neocortex, which is the upper part of the brain. It is mainly responsible for planning and decision-making, rational thinking, controlling emotions, etc. It can be understood as the rational brain. The second part is called the amygdala (limbic system), which is responsible for managing our emotions, such as anger, fear, etc., and can be understood as the emotional brain. The third part is the reptilian brain, which is responsible for instinctive attack or self-protection and can be regarded as the instinctive brain. When a child is emotionally stable and in a good mood, his rational brain activates frequently and quickly. This is the process of the child\’s intellectual thinking. For example, a child is peeling mangoes, playing the piano, and doing homework. But when we can\’t help but \”find mistakes\”: when reading and recording videos, can you stand up straighter; when learning the piano, your fingering is wrong, try again; when doing homework, your handwriting is not neat, wipe it up. The emotional brain is activated, and the child begins to become irritable, anxious, and scared. At this time, the rational brain is restricted and the response becomes slower and slower. When parents start to get angry and yell: What’s going on? How many times have I said it? It’s still wrong! I think your brain is just not here. Now that it\’s over, the storm is coming, and the child\’s instinctive brain for self-preservation is immediately activated, while the uppermost rational brain almost stops functioning. The child\’s brain is completely stunned, and all fear, fear, and impulse are at work. He will no longer think, but will instinctively want to attack: either talk back to his parents, yell, or instinctively protect himself and block his parents\’ attacks. The intellectual activities that should have been spent a lot of time are spent on solving emotions such as anxiety, fear, worry, and uneasiness. During this process, the emotional brain is constantly active, while the rational brain is sleeping. Moreover, when a child\’s brain is activated more and more, which layer of his brain will become easier and easier to activate, while other areas will be restricted in development. Therefore, your pickiness will not actually have any positive effect, but will make the child worse and worse. If you are not picky, what should you do when faced with children’s problems? Of course, this does not mean that we cannot point out some problems in our children. But pay attention to methods and methods. How to do it? 1. Use process instead of result. The important thing about children’s problems is not to “pick” them out, but to guide them on what to do. But too many parents regard finding mistakes as a way to correct them, and equate the problem with their children: Why are you wrong again? When you\’re done playing with your toys, you won\’t put them away? Feedback that directly targets the results of a child\’s behavior is equivalent to constantly telling the child \”you can\’t do it, you are wrong\”. The worst result is that the child will form a fixed mindset and think \”I can\’t do it.\” When you encounter a problem, you don\’t think you have the ability to solve it, and you just feel like \”I don\’t know how to do it, so I can\’t do it well\” in a vicious circle. So please be careful with your thoughts and expressions. Describe the problem realistically: I see what you just didEverything else on the test paper is correct except for a few arithmetic questions. What\’s going on? There are toys everywhere on the floor and I want to put them away. Then clearly tell the child the correct approach: Do you need me to accompany you to calculate these questions again? Don\’t pile toys directly on top of each other. Each toy wants to go home. If he refuses to correct his mistakes despite repeated admonitions, there is only one reason. Either he has never found a way to correct his mistakes, or he is only focused on confronting you and is not focused on the problem at all. And these are the key points we should focus on. 2. Be good at using positive guidance. Children themselves are in a stage of weakness and confusion of self-confidence. Many times they overestimate their abilities, so after making mistakes or failing, they feel very frustrated, disappointed, or even angry. It is necessary to use a lot of psychological energy to fight against frustration and inner irritability. If you are still \”finding mistakes\” at this time, the consequences will be self-evident. Just think about when you are upset and angry, and when your teammates are constantly finishing the damage, you will understand to some extent. So, see more of what your children are doing well, and use positive feedback to guide your children\’s progress. Wow, you played very smoothly just now, and your hand shape is also good. It would be better if you could maintain the hand shape for a longer time; these words are really written so neatly. When our focus is no longer on \”finding mistakes\”, but only on discovering areas where children have improved, you will find that children are more positive and enthusiastic about things, and are happier doing it. 3. Not doing anything is better than doing something wrong. Finally, and most importantly, give up being picky and be out of sight. If you really can\’t do the first two points, but when you see your child\’s shortcomings or mistakes, your mouth is faster than your brain, then the best way for you and your child is to stay away and don\’t look. In the first few years, CC and I also had a lot of troubles because of studying and practicing piano. But then we made an agreement that no matter whether it was online classes, homework, piano practice, etc., we could not interrupt her, even if she was wrong. Unless she took the initiative to ask for help, we should not interrupt her. After she is finished, she will give us dedicated guidance time, and we will focus on solving the problems she encountered. But now, CC, who is not being controlled, is more positive and happier. No one likes to be pointed out or faulted all the time. If we can only see the shortcomings and shortcomings of our children and lack the ability to appreciate and tolerate, then the children will only focus on their own shortcomings and shortcomings, and will be more likely to have low self-esteem. What\’s more, there are some mistakes, and it doesn\’t hurt not to single them out. Psychologist John Holt pointed out in \”How Children Learn\”: We should give the child time to correct his own mistakes and let him develop ability and confidence in the process of practice. There is no child who does not make mistakes. Even adults accumulate experience through constant trial and error. . Done is always more important than perfect. Growth itself is the child\’s own subject. Give them more space and time and let them have the opportunity to trial, error and explore on their own without pressure or supervision.