How do parents get along with their adolescent children?

Writer Mai Jia once said: \”Adolescence is a kind of danger. It can go to heaven or earth, it can be a knife or a flower. As elders, we have only one choice, which is to help our children become a flower. , smooth out the sharp spots and help them get through the most volatile and time bomb stage.\” Facing adolescent children, what is often tested is the patience, carefulness and wisdom of parents. If you want your children to go through this period smoothly, companionship, empathy and \”soft\” wisdom are indispensable. Companionship is standard for adolescent children, and they need their parents more than we imagine. Jia Rongtao, who was once rated as one of the top ten public welfare figures in Chinese family education, shared an experience of his own in the book: Just when Jia Rongtao’s career was doing well, At the beginning, his son in high school had serious problems: he was addicted to the Internet, ranked last in grades, participated in several group fights, and was expelled from school twice… Faced with this troublesome son, Jia Rongtao also beat him. , scolded and scolded, but instead of restraining his son, he began to stay out all night. At this time, Jia Rongtao made a decision that surprised everyone: he resolutely closed the company he had worked so hard for, rented a house near the school, and began to study with his son full-time. When his son makes a mistake, he no longer beats, scolds or yells, but communicates patiently; when his son is messy and unhygienic, he sets an example and cleans the room every day; when his son doesn\’t like studying, he insists on reading a lot every day to create a reading atmosphere. The atmosphere… In this way, with his father\’s company, his son gradually gave up his Internet addiction. Finally, I was admitted to a key university in China. Duel? Don’t compete with adolescent children. High-definition scan PDF version download writer Rao Xueman said: \”Company is the best education for children, and education is just different ways of companionship.\” Adolescent children seem to be eager to be independent, but in fact, they My heart still yearns to be cared for and accompanied. Only when parents hear the call behind their children\’s rebellion can they know how to deal with them. I remember seeing a piece of news: A 14-year-old boy was rebellious and tired of studying, so his father quit his job and took him on a self-driving tour across most of China: The father and son started from Dandong Donggang and passed through Shanhaiguan, Kaifeng, Xi\’an and other cities along the way. . This journey not only allowed the boy to see the bigger world, but also brought the originally conflicted father and son back together. After the trip, the boy expressed his willingness to go back to school and study hard from now on. The book \”Accompanying Children Through Adolescence\” writes: \”No matter how cold-blooded adolescent children appear on the surface, or how much they pretend not to need us, their parents are still their heaven, and home is still the safe haven they need most in their hearts.\” Chat with your children often, listen carefully to their ideas, and accompany your children to solve problems they encounter in life and study… Before long, you will be delighted to find that the sensible and caring child you once had is back. Empathy is the standard. Parents with high emotional intelligence will never blindly reason. Educator Rousseau repeatedly emphasized in \”Emile\”: Reasoning with children is the most effective education in the world. Especially for adolescent children, the truth not only makes them feel bored, but also stimulates their rebellious psychology and makes themThe child bolts in the direction that the parent hates. In the variety show \”Metamorphosis\”, there is a boy named Zheng Zihao who likes to play games very much. For this reason, my father, who is a lawyer, couldn\’t stand it. Whenever he finds an opportunity, he will preach to his son endlessly: \”Do you know that playing games is wrong?\” \”You will become addicted when you play games like this, just like smoking opium. Playing with things will make you lose your morale.\” \”You want to fuck you. Only when you study well can you do something entertaining.\” However, after listening a lot, Zihao learned to listen to music in one ear and out the other. Not only did he ignore his father\’s words, but he became even more addicted. In fact, when facing adolescent children, with less condescending preaching and more empathy of \”I understand you\”, only then can the children get better. In the movie \”Bottom Girl\”, the mother of the girl Sayaka is a parent who is good at empathy. When her daughter tried hard but her grades still didn\’t improve, and she broke down and cried, she didn\’t say something like \”you should try harder\” like ordinary parents do. Instead, she said gently: \”If you feel too tired, It doesn\’t matter if you give up, you have worked very hard.\” When her daughter refused to hand over the list of friends she smoked with, she did not preach, but stood firmly with her daughter: \”This child does not want to betray his friends. What a good boy. I am very proud of a daughter who never says anything.\” It is precisely because of her mother\’s understanding and support that Sayaka, who was originally playful and rebellious, can gradually get on the right track. In the end, I got admitted to a top university in Japan as I wished. As Jorah Mikali, the author of \”Empathy,\” said: \”Without empathy, we would not be able to seek support, encouragement, tenderness, and love from each other.\” Instead of self-righteously reasoning and giving advice to children. It is better to stand from the perspective of children, understand their difficulties, understand, feel and accept them. In this way, children can see love and hope and grow up to be our pride. It is more important to win a child with softness than to overcome strength. Psychological counselor Wang Zhanjun once said something: When his daughter was in junior high school, she was a bit biased. Wang Zhanjun wanted to help her daughter, but her daughter was unwilling. Wang Zhanjun thought it over and did not force his daughter. Instead, he wrote a sincere \”cover letter\” to her. He recommended himself to his daughter and wanted to be her \”study consultant.\” If the daughter agrees, she will pay herself a monthly salary of one yuan; she can also fire herself at any time when her daughter feels it is not needed. Under Wang Zhanjun\’s communication of \”taking retreat as the basis for advancement\”, her daughter happily agreed, and her academic problems were solved. The British psychoanalyst Winnicott once said: \”If a child wants to become an adult, he must step on the corpse of an adult to complete this growth path.\” Therefore, when facing adolescent children, \”Attack\”, what we want to do is not a head-on confrontation. Instead, use softness to overcome hardness, and use the wisdom of taking a step back to guide children\’s growth. A friend told me a past incident: When he was in the third grade of junior high school, he was very rebellious and skipped school every now and then: while others were in class, he would walk on the street; while others were doing homework, he would fight hard in the Internet cafe. If he had money, he would run away. Go to KTV to sing. One day, he climbed over the wall with a few friends in the middle of the night and came out to sing. CanUnexpectedly, after going to the toilet, his expression suddenly changed and he ran back to school without saying a word. Afterwards, it was as if he had become a different person and began to work hard to improve himself. Many years later, he told me: that night, he saw his father at the corner of the box. It turned out that the boarder found that he was not there during his bed check, so he asked the teacher to notify his parents. That night, his father searched all the places where he often went before he was found. His father originally wanted to rush into the box and take him away, but he was afraid that doing so would make him embarrassed in front of his friends, which would intensify the conflict. So, my father stayed at the door. After seeing him, his father did not beat or scold him, but asked him if he still had money to eat. Seeing his friend shaking his head, his father gave him 100 yuan and said to him: \”You are still young, don\’t come to places like this all the time. I will stay here. When you have enough fun, I will accompany you back to school to explain to the teacher.\” \”A few gentle words made the arrogant friend lower his head. The brain development of adolescent children is not yet complete, and they are impulsive, rebellious, and face-saving. If you are tough, he will be a hundred times tougher than you. If you compete with adolescent children, both sides will lose in the end. At this time, soft concessions appear more powerful than tough persecution. Parents have \”soft\” wisdom, are more understanding, and are more tolerant, leaving room for growth, and education has a way out. There is a line in the movie \”River Love\”: \”Those closest to us are usually the most elusive to us, but we can still love them, and we can love people we don\’t understand wholeheartedly.\” For adolescent children , many times, we may not understand their impulsivity, irritability and sensitivity. But we can still give them companionship, empathy and unconditional love, and work with them to spend important moments in life, and move towards a braver and more determined tomorrow together. After all, in those difficult years, we are the only ones our children can rely on, and home is their eternal haven. Click \”Like\” and would like to encourage all parents.