Why parents cause depression in their children

Two days ago, I saw a video by psychologist He Lingfeng: In the video, he said: When his daughter was young, he worked hard to send her to the best primary school in the district. I remember that when I was in the first grade of elementary school, my daughter’s class teacher gave me a basic test of “dictating Chinese characters”. He Lingfeng got the paper and found that his daughter scored 97 points, which means she only made 3 mistakes out of 100 Chinese characters. He praised his daughter: \”Wow, look, you just entered elementary school. You haven\’t even started to learn anything, and you have already learned 97 things. It\’s amazing…\” Watch 23 episodes of the Harvard Open Course Positive Psychology documentary online On the night of the full result, the head teacher called and asked, \”How did you feel when you saw your daughter\’s paper?\” He Lingfeng told the truth: \”I think it\’s good, it\’s pretty good. Thank you, teacher.\” As a result, the head teacher was furious at that time. , began to reprimand him face to face: \”How are you a parent? Do you still think your child\’s grades are good? Do you know? In our dictation this time, 17 of the class got 100 points, and the rest all got 99 points. Not one of them scored 98. Your child scored 97, which seriously hindered our class. As a parent, you still think it’s good. How can you be such an irresponsible parent?” He was scolded by the teacher at that time. Therefore, you can imagine how miserable his daughter\’s life was throughout elementary school. Because of her poor grades, she has been in an environment of being hit, humiliated, and even bullied. But he was busy making money and socializing, and he didn\’t understand his daughter\’s situation at all. He just felt that her parents didn\’t do enough because her daughter couldn\’t keep up with her grades, so he tried every means to get her a tutor, watched her do her homework until midnight, and so on. It was not until his daughter entered junior high school that he slowly understood everything that his daughter had suffered. When my daughter was in fourth grade, she once took the school bus to school and she even wanted to jump off the bus. After learning these things, he still regrets it. He felt that the biggest mistake he had ever made in his life was sending his daughter to the best elementary school in the district. His original intention was to give his daughter the best conditions and resources to help her achieve a better future. But who would have thought that not only would my daughter be in a painful situation for a long time and unable to extricate herself, she would even almost be unable to think about it. This experience of Professor He\’s daughter reminds me of a girl named Xiao Li in the \”Youth Voices\” column. Xiao Li is from Shanghai, and it can be said that he comes from a well-off family. Moreover, she has been a perfect academic since she was a child. She is smart and hard-working, and rarely participates in extracurricular tutoring classes. Later, she accidentally entered one of the best junior high schools in Shanghai. There, she felt an unprecedented sense of crisis. So, she began to force herself to work harder and wanted to study 24 hours a day. In addition to school homework, she also assigned herself a lot of extra homework. She had to study until two or three in the morning every day, and she often slept less than 4 hours. For her, only by constantly learning can she feel that she is right. Any entertainment and relaxation will feel like she is not doing her job properly, and will also cause severe anxiety and guilt. However, the tight strings will eventually break. Under chronic pressure,Xiao Li suffered from severe anxiety and depression and was forced to drop out of school and stay home. But her parents couldn\’t understand and kept trying to persuade her to go to school and get back on track as soon as possible. As a result, on the second day of school, she climbed onto the window sill of her class and attempted suicide. Fortunately, she was saved by a patrolling parent. When asked \”Do you have any good things?\” Xiao Li blurted out without emotion: \”No.\” \”So, are there any family or friends you miss?\” \”No.\” She is obviously a young girl, yes At the most beautiful age in life, this girl is full of despair about life, and even feels that she is trash. Hu Deng, director of the Mental Health Education and Counseling Center of Renmin University of China, found that students from prestigious schools are more likely to suffer from depression than those from ordinary schools. Do you still remember classmate Lin from Chengdu No. 49 Middle School, a key middle school in the province, who fell to his death? In the eyes of his parents and teachers, he is outstanding, confident, cheerful and sunny; but in the eyes of his classmates, he is an extremely emotionally unstable person. He would cut his arms and wrists with a knife on weekdays, saying that he was \”in a bad mood.\” \”I don\’t want to live anymore.\” This seemingly smart and sensible child is actually on the verge of collapse under pressure from all sides. A senior psychological counselor who specializes in treating primary and secondary school students said frankly: More than half of the students she receives come from very good local schools, and many children were once top academics in the eyes of people around them. Because entering a prestigious school means facing the psychological gap of hitting rock bottom, harsh teachers, anxiety about rankings, and high expectations from family members. These difficulties are like heavy mountains, weighing down the children and making them breathless. Yes, everyone has seen the resources and opportunities of prestigious schools, and is eager to send their children to them to seek a better future. But they ignore that behind the sunshine, there must be a shadow. Behind prestigious schools is fierce competition, an invisible chain of contempt, and huge pressure that countless little hearts cannot bear. Some time ago, the People\’s Daily Health Client and other departments jointly released the \”2022 National Depression Blue Book\”. One set of data is shocking: patients with depression under the age of 18 account for 30% of the total number; among the group of patients with depression, Among them, 50% are students. The word depression is getting closer and closer to our children. A mother on the Internet once revealed that her son was in his second year of high school, and among the 50 people in his class, 29 were taking antidepressants. These children are stressed, often unable to sleep at night, stamping their feet, and often borrow hot water from classmates to take medicine. At the Child Psychiatry Department of Peking University Sixth Hospital, at 10 a.m., the door of the clinic was crowded with parents anxiously waiting to be called. The waiting chair next to her was filled with young children. The Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Department of Peking University Sixth Hospital is crowded with patients and family members. Until six o\’clock in the evening, there were still many parents waiting with their children. Zheng Yi, a professor of child psychiatry at Beijing Anding Hospital, remembers that when he first became a doctor, there were relatively few problems with children and adolescents. At that time, there were more than 20 beds in one ward, which was basically enough, and there were not many children with serious illnesses. However, in the past few years, the number of beds in the ward has increased to 60. Including the special needs ward, there are about a hundred beds in total, and the supply is still in short supply……Not only in Beijing, but also in many places across the country, it is difficult to find the best child and adolescent psychiatry department. Another child psychiatrist, Cao Qingjiu, said frankly that the age of sick children is getting younger and younger: \”Social pressure is high and it is transmitted layer by layer. The weakest link is these children. In order to win at the starting line, very young children You have to be involved in the track and endure huge pressure. If you put too much pressure on your children from the beginning, they will be crushed.\” I think of the 7-year-old Beijing girl Tang Xiaoyan in the documentary \”Starting Line\”. Since she can remember, her after-school life has been accompanied by various interest classes: ukulele, vocal music, dance, Spanish, logical thinking… Her mother always has only one sentence, \”If you want to learn this, we can\’t lose.\” starting line\”. At a young age, the child\’s face was full of exhaustion and grievance. In today\’s increasingly involutional educational environment, children have almost no childhood. They are pushed forward by anxious parents for fear of losing at the starting line. Under the influence of parents\’ anxiety, children are increasingly stressed and filled with pain. There is nowhere to escape. Finally, as Professor Xu Kaiwen sighed: \”The babies you raised with anxiety are all sent to me!\” Do you remember? Before every child is born, the parents\’ only hope is that the child will grow up healthy. However, in the process of raising children, many parents forget their original intentions and attach more and more expectations to their children. In fact, the most beautiful thing in a child\’s life is not scores or money, but love, wisdom, freedom and happiness. Therefore, here, I would like to sincerely give you three suggestions to all parents: 1. When choosing a school for your children, you are not looking for the best, but the most suitable. It is very common for Chinese parents to choose a school for their children. How many parents choose a school for their children? I worry about \”choosing a school\” day and night. But are the “optimal solutions” carefully chosen by parents really suitable for their children? Just like what Professor He said at the end: If you really want to choose a school for your child, it’s not about finding the best school, but the most suitable school. Xiao Han, another girl in \”Voices of a Teenager\”, initially attended a \”chicken-blood\” public junior high school. Not long after, her mother transferred her to another bilingual school. Because in the previous junior high school, extracurricular books such as \”Hamlet\” would be confiscated. And my mother knows that Xiao Han is a child with a very rich heart. She likes reading, creating, and thinking. Sure enough, after transferring to the new school, Xiao Han became more confident and was able to study and live with ease. Only by finding the right soil for your child can he truly take root and thrive. 2. Don’t let your children live as slaves to scores at a young age. In \”Youth Stories 3\”, a high school sophomore boy named Wu Qianyi complained about his mother: \”Many parents hope that their children\’s grades will be ranked as high as possible, but mine Mom doesn\’t think so.\” \”After I got first place in the exam, everyone was worried.\” Later, after my mother explained, I found out that her son had been particularly strong since he was a child, and he carved \”Second means falling behind\” on his desk. . Once after he finished third in an exam, his mother sent him a red envelope, but he refused to accept it and said, \”It\’s not like I\’m first, so what\’s the point?\”It\’s easy to get through.\” This made her very worried, fearing that the child would be under too much pressure. The mother looked at the child on the stage tenderly: \”I want to tell you, your life should not only have the college entrance examination, but also have Poetry and distance. \”CCTV recommends over 500 excellent documentaries with high scores. After watching the pattern, the child becomes addicted to self-discipline. This mother is undoubtedly wise. We should not let our children wear the shackles of grades from an early age, but tell them that grades are not judgments. The only standard of life. You should have your own life, hobbies, and friend circles. You should play, exercise, and run in the sun. If a child only has scores in life, he is destined to not win the big test of life, nor can he obtain happiness. . 3. Allow children to jump out of the \”track\” and live their own lives. The reason why many parents are anxious is that they are held hostage by a single value. They think that if they go to the best school and have good scores, they will go to a big company and get a high salary in the future. It is a successful life. But in fact, there has never been a universal standard for excellence. Every child is a unique treasure. We cannot use the same ruler to measure different lives and then divide them into three, six or nine grades. Yes Some children like insects and dream of becoming a biologist, which is also a kind of greatness; some children like flowers and dream of opening a flower shop in the future, which is also a kind of happiness. We should respect the child\’s love and not let him be Constrained by rules and regulations. When he comes to this world, he should look at the stars and the moon, watch the sunset and the sun rise, and fully feel the beauty of this world, live his own wonderful life, and enjoy ordinary happiness. Finally, I want to share Dong Yuhui with everyone An experience. He said that when he was in school, every time he came home, his mother would say to him: \”Son, I want you to become a happy fool. He was full of doubts at the time: \”Why should I be a fool?\” \” So, his mother explained to him: \”Mom hopes that you will not have insomnia, eat well, and your cervical spine will not hurt… It is good to be a happy fool. \” It wasn\’t until he recalled it many years later that he understood his mother\’s deep love. The greatest success as a parent is to raise a healthy, happy, happy and progressive child. I hope every parent can see through the truth of education and be at ease. The mentality resonates with the children. I also hope that every child can grow freely in the sunshine and rain and bloom with colorful flowers.