Parents must not ignore the symptoms of depression in 15-year-old children

Are all parents the same in the world? Everyone thinks that \”I hope my son will become a dragon, I hope my daughter will become a phoenix\”, and I am no exception. My name is Jin Zi. My husband and I have a daughter, and my husband and his ex-wife also have a son and a daughter. After getting married, I stopped going to work and devoted myself wholeheartedly to my children. From study to life, I became a full-time housewife for 20 years. My husband and I have always had different educational philosophies. My husband has always believed that academic performance is not the most important, it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t go to school, and it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t get into college. I am particularly opposed to his idea. How can people not have pursuit? In today\’s society, college students are everywhere. If she doesn\’t even go to college, how can she compete with others? How to gain a foothold in society? Fortunately, my husband is busy with business, so I take care of the children, and I am able to implement my educational philosophy. Who knows what the more you are afraid of, the more you will become. During the Dragon Boat Festival in 2018, I was happily making rice dumplings at home. My husband suddenly told me that my child had discussed with him that he didn’t want to go to school, and he agreed. What? I was instantly stunned. Methods and techniques for managing children\’s emotions Parenting books How to cultivate children with high emotional intelligence Ultra-clear PDF She is only 14 years old. She has just entered the first year of high school and does not go to school. What can she do? If she gave up like this, wouldn\’t she give up on her life? Instantly, anger rushed to my head, and I was so angry that I yelled at him like crazy: \”She is fine, why doesn\’t she go to school? If you simply don\’t go to school and give up on school, what will happen to the child in the future?\” What to do?…\” That day, I was in a trance, my heart ached, and my hair turned gray overnight. I can\’t figure it out: my child went to school at the age of 5, had excellent grades in elementary and junior high school, and was admitted to a key high school through his own efforts. Such a good child who everyone praised has to drop out of school. To me, it is not an exaggeration to say that it was like a bolt from the blue. . The next day, after the child came home, I confirmed this matter with her alone. During the confirmation process, I asked her: \”What are you doing at home when you drop out of school? Why do you need to drop out of school?\” The child cried and told me that she was in great pain at school, couldn\’t sleep all night, and her hair fell out. , had lost her hair for a long time… She would feel suffocated in her chest for no apparent reason and could not breathe; sometimes she would be in class or having a rest, and suddenly she would feel like she had fallen into a black hole, and someone was pulling her into the hole forcefully. It was very dark inside. How could she exert her strength? Can\’t even pull it out. There was another voice in her head: \”You have to persist, you must persist! You can\’t fall in!\” These two voices often fought, which made her exhausted. Hearing the child say this, I felt mixed emotions. I felt sorry for the child, but I couldn\’t understand why the child was like this. I knew that my child was losing hair, and the solution I thought of was to buy anti-hair loss shampoo and look for home remedies to prevent hair loss. I never thought that it was a psychological problem. The child said that she just wanted to take a break, not that she didn\’t want to go to school. It was also in the process of seeking medical treatment with my children full of anxiety and eager to return to normal life that I met some parents who had the same experience as me. Most of you, like me, are hopeless, self-pitying, and have complex emotions towards their children. But one mother was different. When I poured out my grievances, anxieties and difficulties as usual, she did not echo or criticize.my child. But one sentence woke me up: What you need is not to save your children, but to save yourself. It turned out that she had gone through the same stage as me. She lost herself in the blind expectation of her child. She put all her efforts into curing her child, but she put more pressure on herself and her child. She told me that the child is sick because of his parents. Only by first becoming aware of ourselves and changing ourselves can we truly remove the \”disease\” in our families and children. During my communication with her, I saw where my own knot lies: my 20-year full-time career has made my sense of value extremely low. I devoted myself wholeheartedly to my daughter. It seemed that it was for my daughter, but in fact, I transferred my unfulfilled wishes to my child, hoping that she could live the way I wanted to live. My daughter’s brother didn’t go to college, and my husband thought I didn’t do enough in some areas, and he complained about me. So, I placed all my hopes on my daughter, as if only if she gets into a good university can I prove that I am not a failure. My daughter\’s success is my success. Therefore, I have always cared about my child\’s grades and tried my best to keep her grades at the top. I cannot accept that my daughter is mediocre or inferior to others. I have always instilled in my daughter the idea of ​​\”must get into a good university\” until this idea internalized into her mind. In October, her daughter\’s condition became more and more serious. She felt uncomfortable as soon as she arrived at school. She would even vomit when she walked to the stairs, but she still persisted. I also hope she can go to school. I told her to call me if she felt uncomfortable, and I used the methods I learned in the book to help her: \”You can care for yourself by touching your head with your hands. If you want to vomit, just vomit…\” Because I learned In order to manage her emotions, she no longer gets angry at her child, but she can also catch her emotions and provide her with care and support. I persisted for two weeks, and my daughter was in great pain. The psychology teacher also said not to force her too much, so I tried to find ways to adjust. At 6:00 in the morning, I get up and wait for my daughter. If she doesn\’t get up, I won\’t call her and wait until she has rested before I go. When I had a heart-to-heart talk with her, she made it clear that it wasn\’t that she didn\’t want to go to school, but that she just couldn\’t stand it once she went to school. I told her: \”I can accept it, you don\’t have to go to school.\” The child said: \”I have taken a year off from school and received professional treatment. I feel much better. I don\’t want to give up my studies. I want to take the college entrance examination!\” \”That\’s it, I send her to school in the morning, she\’s inside and I\’m outside. When she feels uncomfortable, I give her encouragement and support. One day at around ten o\’clock, my child called me and said: Mom, I can\’t hold on anymore, are you there? I said, \”I\’m here. Come out and I\’ll take you out for a walk.\” I took her to the mall and to a clothing store she liked. She took a fancy to a piece of clothing, and I said, \”Go and try it on. \”When the child was trying on clothes, I accidentally caught a glimpse of her hands shaking, shaking involuntarily. Seeing this scene, my heart suddenly started to tremble, as if it had been hit hard by a heavy hammer. When the child finished trying it, she suddenly darkened her face and said no more. I thought she disliked the price, so I told her it didn\’t matter, she could buy it. But the daughter insisted on leaving. Later, she told me: \”I was trying on clothes just now.At that time, I was so scared, so scared that if you bought me a piece of clothing, I would go back to school. \”This sentence almost made me burst into tears. My expectations and actions in the past have left a psychological shadow on my child. I suddenly understood: She really can\’t do it. This time, I really I felt it. I said to the child: \”If you are so afraid of going to school, then don\’t go.\” \”This time, I really saw the pain of the child. No one can help her bear the pain. Even I just try my best to help her, but she is bearing the pain. No one can do it like her. , deeply realized the pain of wanting to go to school but not being able to go to school. During the year she took a break from school, no matter where she was, even when she went out to play, she had to bring her homework. In fact, her inner thought was: everything related to school was She doesn’t want to touch, she doesn’t want to touch. Because school will make her afraid. The opinions of her classmates, the evaluation of teachers, and her physical and psychological discomfort all make her like a frightened bird. She is afraid that I will ask her: \”Do you want to study or do you want to do it?\” Operation? \”Aware of this, I never asked her about anything related to study. From that day on, I never let her go to school again. I asked her: Do you relax at home? She said, relax and want to play games She just plays games and watches TV when she wants. After staying for two weeks, she also actively went to therapy and chatted with teachers she liked in school. This is my third stage: accepting reality. I am sure that the child is real She encountered a particularly big obstacle. This obstacle could not be overcome by her own strength and required the strength of her family and society. In early December, her classmate went to college in Changsha and asked her to go play. Although I was very worried, I also I hope she can go out for a walk. For the first time, she booked a hotel, made an appointment, and went to Changsha for three days. These three days were the saddest and most devastating days for me. When my child grows up, first I felt like I was about to lose my child when they left me for the first time. I cried every day and was not relieved until my child came back. When I told this matter to the friend who changed me, she told me: The child needs to be controlled Parents need to learn to let go, and this is how their children\’s independence is developed. Yes, from childhood to adulthood, my child has lived under my eyes, and I have taken care of everything for her. I have never been in my child\’s care. I have worked hard on my independence, sense of responsibility, and resistance to frustration. When a child has no sense of competence in the world, how can she be confident? If it were another mother, how happy would it be for her child to be able to go out independently! However, I have There are a lot of negative emotions, what does this mean? It means that there are still a lot of unhealed traumas inside me. There are fears, worries, and a lot of uncertainties inside me. These are my homework for the future. At the same time, I also reflected on my marriage. After 20 years of marriage, my husband likes to ask my opinion when he has to make a big decision, but he doesn’t like to listen to other people’s opinions. When we disagree, he will say: \”Everything It\’s all mine, and I have the absolute right to speak.\” \”Whoever makes more money will listen to whoever makes it. \”In the past, he often said: \”What you eat, live in, and use are all given to you by me. You have no right to object to me doing anything! \”These words gave me a lot ofDeep hurt. It’s also very hard for me to take care of my children at home, and I have paid a lot for this family. I felt that he didn\’t respect me and looked down on me, so I always fought against him. I became less and less confident and my temper became more and more irritable. I want to use my irritability to resist my husband. In this way, the family atmosphere becomes more and more indifferent and alienated, and the children cannot feel the warmth of home and become the biggest victims. After returning from Changsha, after two weeks of rest, the child told me again: \”Mom, I want to go to school!\” She didn\’t want to repeat her studies, nor did she want to just go to a junior college. She still wanted to give it a try. I am very proud of my daughter. No matter how difficult it is, she is not willing to give up and keeps going. What’s the future like? No one is sure! What is certain is our love for her, our unconditional acceptance of her, and our unparalleled belief in her. Finally, I would like to talk about children’s mental health. At the age of 6 to 12, children are very obedient, but they are also prone to suppressing psychological problems in their hearts, which will explode in adolescence. After the outbreak, many parents may be like me and keep asking why? But, does the reason matter at this time? It doesn\’t matter anymore. The child\’s feelings are facts, and facts speak louder than any words! The first thing we have to do is accept the reality that the child is really sick. At the same time, as parents of children, our psychological endurance is also limited, and we also need support in the face of long-term caregiver fatigue. Thinking back, how did I accept my children? Because, I am learning and growing. When I feel anxious, I go back to my peers. They will give me feedback and support from different angles, and they can also point out my problems directly. Only when I manage my own emotions can I catch my child\’s emotions. The latest and most complete 2023 [Kindergarten, Junior High and High School] premium VIP course catalogs from famous teachers in various disciplines on the entire network, click to view now! I am really glad that I chose to learn, face, accept, and change. In the future, what I can do is: 1. Manage my emotions well and give my children a stable and warm harbor. 2. Learn to let go and exercise your child’s independence. 3. Respect your child’s wishes. No matter what the future holds, I believe: there are always more solutions than problems! This is also my fourth stage: facing reality and starting self-reflection and self-learning. I return my focus to myself, because only when I am clear and stable can I provide support for my children. At the same time, I truly see the child, respect the child, and try to help her. I know that our lives are still long. With love, acceptance and belief, everything will be a gift of life and make us stronger.