Do conversations with adolescent children always get tense and end badly? Because you are always reacting and not adapting

If there are adolescent children at home, many parents will be cautious when talking to their children. If they say something wrong, the children will close the door and refuse to communicate. Some parents have good intentions and want to give advice, but their children are impatient and end up becoming tense and unhappy. Why is this happening? Because many times, our conversations with our children are reactions rather than compliance. What is a reaction? What is compliance? Let me tell you two short stories first. Before the Orange midterm exam, we had a conversation. Because the midterm exam is the second exam after high school entrance, it is quite important, so I am somewhat concerned about it. While eating, I said: For this midterm exam, you should review it in advance and check it during the exam to see what your real level is. Chengzi dismissed it: If I don’t review or check, that’s the real me. I won\’t be such a fake person. I remained calm: If you say so, I think I have to add one more thing – if you don\’t study, review, or check, then you are the most authentic and sincere you. Orange just laughed. It was another conversation at the dinner table before the midterm exam. Chengzi said: I will try to improve by 20 places in this exam. I thought to myself: Only improved by 20 places? You may have set low standards for yourself. Because Chengzi ranked over 100th grade in his last exam without review or examination, I think he has the potential to improve even more. When I thought about it, I didn\’t say anything, because I knew it was boring as soon as I said it, but I didn\’t know how to answer it. Dad Orange took over: Well, this time I will improve by 20 places, next time I will improve by 20 places, and I will strive to improve by 20 places every time I take the exam. In this case, when it comes to the college entrance examination… my dear, what level will that be? Orange and I couldn\’t help laughing. I gave a thumbs up in my mind. Found it? These two conversations, if our reactions were instinctive, would have gone in completely different directions. For example: How can you not review or check? You can\’t do this, you have to have a correct attitude. For example: Do you want to advance to 20th place? Can you be a little more ambitious? This is the difference between reaction and compliance. The underlying reason for our reaction is that we take our children’s words seriously. When chatting with adolescent children, if you take it too seriously, you will lose. Adolescent children like to say the opposite of what is true and talk in a nonchalant way. They are all ducks, and their mouths will still be tough even if they are cooked to pieces. If you take it seriously, you won\’t be able to have a conversation with him, because you are always trying to tell him the correct point of view and correct his behavior and attitude. What you say must be politically correct, but it must also be boring. To children, it sounds like nagging. As time goes by, your children will become too lazy to chat with you. Because your child has already anticipated your reaction – who would ask for trouble? Besides, how can such a big child not know what is right? Don\’t you know what to do? He knows it all. I just use this kind of counter-argument and nonchalant talk to cover up my vulnerability and anxiety. Such a young man or young woman, they also want to save face, why do you have to expose them in a serious manner? So, in the past few years, I have found more and more feeling, that is, using magic to defeat magic – if you say it in a nonchalant way, I will catch your words and reply in a nonchalant way.. They are happy with each other and both know what it means. That\’s it. Of course, the prerequisite for being able to adapt is that parents have a generous heart. You trust your child and know that he is essentially good, so you will give him enough space to experience and make mistakes. If the parents themselves are very tight-minded and care too much about the gains and losses of a city and a pool, and will feel like they are facing an enemy at the slightest sign of trouble, then it will be difficult to give room for maneuver in the conversation. I have also done negative teaching materials. I was making dinner, and Chengzi came back from school and came to the kitchen to chat with me. Talking about how fun their New Year’s Day activities are, and also talking about the time for winter vacation. I counted on my fingers: So, the final exam is about twenty days away? I was a little anxious and said: From now on, I have to enter the final review state, and my mobile phone must be controlled. From now on, I will memorize one unit of words every day, so that I will have almost memorized it by the time of the final exam. Didn’t you get bad marks in English last time? This time I have memorized all the words, which will definitely improve my score… Chengzi was very impatient and said angrily: \”Don\’t mind my business.\” I don’t want to memorize words! Does this kid talk to his parents like this? I instinctively wanted to fight back, but I held back and said nothing. Chengzi muttered again: I originally told you about the New Year\’s Day activities, but you\’d better… At this time, I realized that I was reacting instinctively again, because I was too impatient. But he couldn\’t save his face for the moment, so he remained silent. When I was eating, I put the meat and vegetables on Chengzi\’s side (actually I didn\’t want to eat meat). Unexpectedly, Chengzi took advantage of the situation and said: Thank you, Mom. I also borrowed the donkey from Poxia, and the two of us laughed away our grudges. You see, when parents are too anxious, too utilitarian, too focused on gains and losses, or have a rigid thinking pattern, it is easy to fall into an instinctive reaction mode. In this mode, the words spoken are blunt, with the meaning of opposition, accusation, instruction, and command. The physiological characteristics of adolescent children at this stage are that they are easily stubborn, extreme, and impulsive. When two instinctive impulses come together, it is easy to enter the negative reinforcement mode and develop a small friction into a family war. To summarize. Reactions, based on oneself, are based on instinctive reaction patterns, responses without thinking and without awareness. Adapt, focus on the child, first accept what the child says, and then take advantage of the situation. Or just stop here, without any further \”guidelines\”. Because this \”smooth\” action itself contains our attitude and meaning towards our children. This attitude and meaning may be acceptance, trust, or recognition. Compared with the specific rules and regulations we want to teach our children, these acceptance, trust and recognition are more important things between us and our children, and they are also the underlying motivation for children to do good. Therefore, if there are adolescent children at home, parents need to cultivate their minds and nature, expand their minds a little, and then expand a little more, in order to be able to handle their children. This is inner work, and it is also the homework that we parents have to do.