How do we parent?

This is an article I wrote before, probably shortly after Huang Zi was born. From that moment on, I have been thinking about writing something to record the various insights I have had since having a baby. Today, I found it in my previous document and just shared it here. I don’t want to discuss too much about the hardships of taking care of children, which every mother can experience personally. What I want to say more is our attitude towards childbirth and the principles that we should uphold when our children grow up. I recently read Guan Jun\’s \”No Queen\”, and I highly recommend it to those who are planning to have children or are already parents. There has never been a book with such a sincere discussion of why you choose to have children (or not)? After you have a child, how do you deal with your relationship with your child, and what level of care should a parent take (how to raise him or her)? The contradiction between filial piety, human relations and individuals is analyzed very well. Regarding the social environment, the author directly draws a conclusion: In a society that is not worthy of children, how should we face it when there is no choice? I have seen the parents around me, and they all want to devote everything they have to being good to their children, taking care of them in every possible way, but they have never asked: Is this what their children need? There is an anxious mother who is also an author I contacted. She also writes parenting books. But her own daughter never went out alone once until she was in junior high school. Every time she met, she would be worried about picking up her children at one o\’clock, and she would have to help her children with their homework when they got home. When the child attends tutoring classes on weekends, she has to wait in the car after she is dropped off, and she has to make do with whatever she wants for lunch… This is the most common situation I encounter when asking people around me for advice before I prepare to have a baby. To a great extent, this deepened my phobia of having children. I felt that after giving birth to a child, I would have no self at all. This was difficult for me to accept. \”We feel that we love our children deeply, but in fact, what we fall in love with is probably our own projection, which also includes a certain rejection of the real me.\” Parents transfer their anxiety to their children. Parents, especially mothers, have their own growth stagnant, and they have huge anxiety about whether they can adapt to society. But instead of solving the problem through their own growth, they will More hopes are placed on the children, which results in the children experiencing double the pressure. Parents who respect and truly love their children know how to let go and are willing to accept their children\’s self-independence and self-growth. Doting parents are meeting their own needs, but they are cloaked in the guise of \”everything is for the children\” and become blameless. It suddenly occurred to me that many people say that without children, it is difficult for a husband and wife relationship to be stable and divorce is easy. This is actually treating children as sustenance, as a means or object to maintain the marriage relationship, and it is the most naked and widespread rhetoric. Therefore, we must first overcome people\’s innate selfishness, which is the beginning of being a good parent. Another point is that parents cannot regard themselves as benefactors and often cry about how hard it is to raise their children, how much they have sacrificed, etc. This is also selfishness at work. Not only does it make children feel guilty for not being able to repay their parents, it also means a failure in education. You cannot establish a positive relationship of equality, freedom, and respect with your children. In anger, I once taught my disobedient nephew, and even photographed Huang Zi’sbutt. Looking at my heart, I feel extremely ashamed. It is absolutely inappropriate to use violence to teach a little life that has no ability to resist and even relies on you for survival. Always warn yourself: Do not use violence against your children, especially cold violence. No matter what, we cannot give our children too much freedom, respect, and equality. This is a child\’s basic right as an individual. Looking back at our own growth, we are not fulfilling the various wishes of our parents. So, hopefully it ends with me. I took my maternity leave and went to work immediately. Firstly, I didn’t want my life and attention to be limited to my child. I was afraid that I would put all my expectations on my child. Secondly, and the most important reason, I wanted to Give your child an independent and self-reliant mother so that he can have the greatest psychological sense of security. Mothers must have their own space before they can give their children more space. In the process of promoting the growth of my children, which tasks are mine and which are left to the power of life? In China, \”good\” and \”obedient\” are the greatest affirmations for a child. I didn\’t think too much about it before, but when I think about it more carefully, how can I expect a child who has a strong desire to explore and energy to control, and has self-will, and can do everything? Obey the wishes of adults. Therefore, in the future, I will try my best to avoid saying to my children words such as \”good, obedient\” that reflect the will of adults. Furthermore, where are the boundaries of control and how to determine the scale of education? For example: Will you educate your children to strictly abide by traffic rules? Completely line up and maintain order? … In a country where rules are often exploited, following them may mean more trouble. Questions like this are very confusing to me now, and I hope experienced mothers can give me some advice. \”If parents just blindly seek how to solve their children\’s problems instead of looking for the reasons themselves, their children\’s problems will not be solved.\” The author mentioned that only through strict training can we become doctors or lawyers, but without any training, we have become parents, taking on such an important parenting task. Even if we don’t do it well, no one will Looking for you to take responsibility. Thinking of this, I can only learn to be a parent with sincerity and fear. Many problems in children\’s growth are parents\’ problems. Therefore, when we criticize our children without shame, we should look at ourselves and see if it is our own problem first. Really do it: grow with your children. When it comes to solving children\’s problems, there is another point that is very representative, even even by myself unconsciously: out of some lack of my own childhood, I subconsciously want to compensate for it in my children. As adults, if we travel back to childhood, we can always see traces of our various performances. But most of the time, it is hidden under the control of our empiricism or so-called rationality, and we are not aware of it. In the process of educating children, you must reflect on the problems your children encounter in a timely manner to see if they are the devil in your own subconscious. I want to say something to Huang Zi: Mom may not be able to give you the best material things, but she is definitely willing to give you unlimited freedom, equality, and respect. Just after you came outWhen the baby was born, my mother didn\’t know how to deal with it, and she had all kinds of anxieties, such as your schooling, your food, clothing, housing, and transportation. After this period of thinking and reading, I feel relieved that nothing is more important than allowing you to grow freely and become the person you want to be. In the future, my mother will not be obsessed with what kind of elementary school you have to go to or what kind of major you have to study. Unless you want to learn something yourself, she will find a way to satisfy you. My child, let\’s be happy companions and enjoy all the beauty that life has to offer with our parents. If you still have problems, let\’s solve them together when you grow up.