How do you deal with your child\’s negative emotions if you can\’t resist them?

One of the comments many visitors have made about me is \”No matter how bad my mood is, I can handle it.\” This tolerance is called acceptance, and the same is true for the parent-child relationship. Children make you feel good without accepting them. Recommended books on scientific parenting. I really hope my parents have read this book and download the electronic version. He is obedient, sensible, good at studying, diligent and polite. So what else do you accept? You should be excited. Because he has fulfilled all your expectations and accepted you. You don’t need to accept him, you just need to sit back and rejoice in your achievements. Therefore, the premise of acceptance is that the child does not meet your expectations. For example: you ask him to do his homework, but he is playing games; you want him to be polite, but he yells at you; you want him to be happy, but he is depressed; you want him to be gentle and kind, but he loses his temper and keeps getting angry. Complaining and throwing things; you want him to be smart, but he is dumb and stupid; you want him to go well, but he smokes, drinks, and hurts himself…Only when the child is inconsistent with or even opposite to your expectations, you need to accept it. The connotation of acceptance is – accepting the child\’s negative emotions and accepting the child\’s shortcomings. In fact, if you think a person is not good but still accept him, that is very perverted in itself. So what you think is bad is actually wrong. You have to look past these bad things and see the essence clearly. This is the theme of this article. Acceptance has three levels: permission, recognition, and seeing. Permission means willing children to express negative emotions. Many parents do not have this ability. When children express any unhappiness, parents often adopt the following three attitudes, whether intentionally or unintentionally. The first type: comfort and reason. Don\’t be sad, everything will be fine. Don\’t get along with him. Think of the good and don\’t take it personally. You should think so… Maybe you think these words are reasonable, but this kind of comfort is telling the child – I don\’t care about your affairs, you have to bear it yourself, and I don\’t want to see you sad. Sensitive children also feel blamed and shamed. The comfort words above all contain some kind of blame, as if saying \”you shouldn\’t be sad, shouldn\’t care, and shouldn\’t take it to heart.\” The child will think that he has expressed something that should not be expressed, and will feel ashamed of the expression. Think about it, every time you comfort someone, don’t you feel relaxed? It seems that you have done what you should do and fulfilled your obligations, and then you are no longer responsible and you are relaxed. Who knows whether the other party can really not take it personally. Sometimes I get angry because the other person continues to be sad – why is this person so ignorant? No matter how hard I try to persuade him, it\’s useless! This kind of comfort is essentially an escape. You are using comfort to let yourself escape the \”trouble\” that his sadness brings to you. Sometimes comfort does work, and that\’s because of your presence, not the comfort itself. The second type: self-blame and self-exposure. Some parents will say: It’s all my fault. I\’m so confused. We also tried our best. It\’s not easy for me either. I was much worse off than you at that time. Be content that you have neither food nor drink. If you were like grandma to me, there would be nothing wrong with you… This is more terrifying than comfort. Comfort at least comes from some self-righteous love, but these words come from \”hate\”. The child\’s attitude activates your hatred for your own parents and is making the child bear the hatred for you. your self-blameIt will make the child feel guilty and make him feel that he has burdened his parents. In addition to dealing with their own badness, they also have to relieve your sense of incompetence. This double pressure will cause the child to collapse, and the external performance will either be more crazy and out of control, or he will immediately shut up and lick his wounds alone. The third type: stopping and arguing. Stop fucking talking! So annoying! Shut up and get out! It’s not over yet! I\’ve tolerated you for a long time! If you want to make a fuss, go out and cry! If you want to cry, go out and cry! Stop going to school and look at how bad you are! What\’s more, he will give you a slap… There is no doubt that this does not need to be done a few times to ensure that the child will never do this in the future. He will deceive you, hide you, stimulate you through other methods, seek outsiders, or completely shut down. Mouth. Such parents regard their children as enemies, are full of resentment and revenge, and use their children\’s emotions to vent their anger. The Growth Story of Frog, 12 volumes of subconscious and spiritual growth picture books PDF+MP3. In fact, the real \”permission\” is very simple – you are here, let him talk, let him make trouble, let him cry, the only thing you can do is listen. Don\’t think this is easy. On the contrary, it is quite difficult, especially when the target of your anger is yourself. I will tell you how to do it later. The second and third levels are recognition and seeing. You have to see it first before you can acknowledge it, and you even have to see it first before you can allow it. See the driving force behind negative emotions. This driving force is the expectation of intimacy. Excuse me, who will you get angry at? The answer is simple, people who have nothing to do with you will not make you feel emotional. The people who can make you angry are the ones you think are safe and intimate. To be precise, they are the people who make you hate iron. Although he has disappointed you again and again, you can\’t live without him and still have expectations, hoping that he will recognize you, get close to you, and value you. So no matter how much a child \”acts\”, it\’s because he can\’t make you love him. A child who never acts in front of you is completely desperate. He can still behave badly in front of you, which proves that he is brave! Instead of being submissive and resigned, there are just fewer and fewer brave children. Some have worldly eyes and act like little adults. Once you understand this motivation, you will start to reflect, think about what the child is expressing, think about all the family relationships in the past, think about the child and your own life history – in the process of thinking, certain events and feelings will begin to surface. So, you start to feel guilty, start to compensate, start to understand yourself, and start to feel sorry for your child. Then, recognition is not a problem. You will recognize the child\’s emotional expression, recognize the courage, recognize his helplessness and expectations, and be grateful that the child can still express it to you instead of to others – this process is True acceptance. True acceptance is very difficult. First, you have to accept yourself. If you cannot accept yourself, you cannot accept others. If you do, it is forced acceptance, which is very consuming. Recently, I changed my circle of friends signature to: Be in awe of any stage in my life. Life is a one-way journey, and no one can start it over again. The so-called unbearable past refers to hating and belittling the past self, and wishing to completely erase the experience. You should not erase it, but be in awe. Any decisions and choices you made at the time were the best in comparison at that time. The more you understand your own pain, the less likely it is to turn to your children, and the less likely you are to take care of your own pain.If tolerance becomes indulgence, you will not overcorrect. For example: being severely controlled is your fault, and it is likely to give your children the freedom to overindulge; it is your fault to have no money to study, and you are likely to bet all on your children\’s studies; It is your injury to be loved and unloved, and it is very likely that you will spoil your children. The past can be compensated, but only if you have a clear understanding of your past. Second, your negative emotions must have somewhere to go. No matter what method you use, no matter work or yoga, no matter consultation or courses, no matter your partner or lover, no matter your confidant or best friend, you must find others or places that accept your negative emotions. Your attacks, depression, and anger can all or partially be caught, accommodated, and understood here. The more you are accepted, the more experience you have in accepting your children. This is a virtuous circle. Otherwise, it will be a vicious cycle. The child expresses aggression, but your attack has nowhere to vent. The fire will explode at a moment\’s notice, and there is no need to talk about acceptance. Third, allow yourself not to be able to catch your child. Your child can only accompany you for one journey. He has his mission and you have yours. It is inevitable and natural for you to intertwine and separate. In the intertwined years, no parent can always accept them. It is precisely this \”not good enough\” that gives a gap in the relationship, so that the children have the opportunity to develop themselves. This is not a contradiction, because not being good enough and hurting are completely two dimensions, so my best advice is not to accept it unconditionally, but to accept it conditionally, similar to some kind of demand exchange. If you don\’t agree that parents can also rely on their children, the unconscious will whitewash the situation and easily turn it into control in the name of love. Whenever two people interact deeply, they must satisfy each other, rather than one party always giving and the other taking. You also have needs for your children, and they need to be made explicit rather than vague. You want your child to be admitted to a key school, you want your child to be thrifty and polite, you want your child to learn piano, art and drums… You have to be clear that these are your needs and tell your child clearly. For example, say something like \”Mom hopes you learn piano, because I will be happy when you learn it and I will like you more. Are you willing to satisfy me?\” instead of saying \”I want you to learn piano for your own good and make you stand out and be talented.\” It seems so great. How difficult it is for you to express your need determines how disharmonious your relationship is. At this moment, the child has learned 3 points: Performance of high emotional intelligence: Training methods to improve emotional intelligence, Preschool Child Psychology Book Box. First, my needs can be expressed directly like my mother; second, I am also capable of satisfying others, no matter what. How authoritative he is; third, my mother and I are equal. The exchange of needs is the equivalence of personality and the essence of acceptance. At the same time, there is a risk: the child may not satisfy you, just like you will not satisfy him.