How to properly handle the parent-child relationship? These 5 things are very harmful to children

\”The parent-child relationship is the noblest and most gratifying thing in the world. There is nothing on earth that can compare with it.\” This is Dan Alander\’s book \”Growing Up in Raising Children\” Said in the book. However, it is not. Beijing once conducted a sample survey of more than 3,000 middle school students on their \”attitudes towards their parents.\” Among them, only 4.75% of children said they like their parents. The number of children who expressed extreme disgust or hatred for their parents was as high as 56.28%. This contrast has shocked countless parents. What turned the bond of blood into a burden? And what turned the depth of love into the depth of hatred? After studying many families with tense parent-child relationships, I finally discovered that what hurts the parent-child relationship the most are these \”five sharp thorns.\” Strong control. There is a saying: Chinese parents seem to be selfless, but in fact they are the most selfish. In the hit drama \”Little Joy\”, single mother Song Qian is the best portrayal. In order to devote herself to taking care of her daughter, she resigned from a key high school to become a tutor. For her daughter\’s study, she would get up early and stay late at night, carefully preparing three meals a day. She pays close attention to her daughter\’s learning situation, draws a chart of performance fluctuations, and personally designs the tutoring progress for her daughter. However, she did everything meticulously and was dedicated to her responsibilities. Over time, it gradually evolved into a kind of mental control: \”I have paid so much for you, I am so good to you, you can\’t let me down.\” Qiao Yingzi wanted to go south. University astronomy, Song Qian forced her to change it to \”Tsinghua University and Peking University\”. Qiao Yingzi likes to eat hot pot pizza, and Song Qian forces her to drink nourishing soup and eat raw sea cucumbers. Qiao Yingzi wanted a breathing space, so Song Qian installed a surveillance window in her room. To borrow the words of Ivan in \”囧Mom\”: This kind of love is like a wet cotton jacket, it\’s heavy when you put it on, but it\’s cold when you take it off. In the end, Qiao Yingzi couldn\’t stand Song Qian\’s pressing steps and became depressed and injured. She stood on the edge of the sea and used all her strength to scream at Song Qian the words she had held in her heart for so long: \”I just want to escape from you.\” She desperately wanted to control, and the more she lost control, the more she wanted to control. One desperately wants to escape, and the harder it is to escape, the harder it is to escape. In the name of love, both sides suffer. The parent-child relationship becomes worse and worse in the confrontation between \”control\” and \”escape\”. Psychologist Li Xue said: \”A body can only bear one soul. If the parents\’ control is airtight, the child is actually spiritually dead.\” Without independent souls, parents and children cannot truly love each other. Because parents’ suffocating desire to control can become a disaster for their children. Love has no boundaries and will eventually lead to harm. Emotional blackmail. Zhou Guoping said: The person you care about most knows best where your Achilles heel is. The people closest to you will drag you into your longest battles. Last year, the news that \”My mother is critically ill and a doctor from Peking University has been missing for 20 years and refuses to go home\” went viral on social media. Many people only see the protagonist\’s surface ruthlessness, but fail to see the scars behind Dr. Wang Yongqiang of Peking University. Wang Yongqiang is the youngest son in the family, the best educated and the most promising. But Wang Yongqiang is by no means the most favored son. Before he was admitted to college, his father kept urging him to drop out of school. After he was admitted to college, his father focused on his monthly scholarship of 4 yuan and chased him for money like a debt collector.. During his three years of studying for a master\’s degree, his parents always made demands that were far beyond his abilities and made things difficult for him in every possible way. For example, he was asked to help his polio-stricken brother find a job, and to help the second uncle\’s cousin\’s son go to Soochow University… If he couldn\’t help, he would go to the school and make a fuss, saying he was rebellious and unfilial and had no conscience. There is a saying: When people passively assume love and responsibility, love cannot exist. In order to escape from his parents, Wang Yongqiang went to Beijing to study for a Ph.D. and took his wife to Japan. But even so, his parents never let him go. They continued to threaten family affection, kidnap him based on filial piety, and kept asking for money, money, and money. Until Wang Yongqiang was forced to separate his wife and children. He was overwhelmed and fled further and further away. Susan Forward said in \”Emotional Blackmail\”: In a relationship, once disagreements and conflicts arise, emotional blackmail is like a bacterium, quickly invading, multiplying, expanding, controlling our behavior, and eliminating our love. Until it erodes our feelings. Parents use the gift of procreation to coerce their children into obeying them. This is really the most poisonous poison in the parent-child relationship. Because parents\’ emotional blackmail will not only drag their children into the painful abyss of the cycle, but also make love deteriorate. Love and relationships are constantly being consumed and exploited, and the result can only be losses for both sides. Violence. As the saying goes: A filial son emerges from a stick. However, this is not entirely true. Some children who grew up under the stick of their parents, even if they grow up to be successful, have an incompatible relationship with their parents. When I was young, I often saw my neighbor\’s aunt beating and scolding my neighbor\’s brother. Sometimes, the little brother didn\’t eat well and soiled his clothes. The aunt grabbed his clothes and threw him far away. Sometimes, the little brother’s homework was sloppy, and the aunt tore his homework into pieces and hit his palm with a bamboo stick soaked in oil. Sometimes, when my little brother failed to do well in an exam, his aunt punished him by kneeling in front of the house for several hours. The most serious incident was when the little brother stole 50 yuan from his father. The aunt took a stick as thick as a bowl and swung it at him one after another. That time, my little brother lay at home for a full week. By chance, I asked my little brother: Auntie loves to hit people so much, are you afraid? The little brother said to me very calmly: \”Don\’t be afraid, I will protect myself. When the day comes that I can leave, I will leave this home without looking back and never come back.\” At that time, I thought this Just a childhood joke. Unexpectedly, after my brother graduated from college, apart from regularly sending money to his aunt, he never returned home again. And that stern aunt back then, now whenever she thinks of her son, she either sighs or secretly wipes away tears. Education is won, children are lost. This should be the most painful lesson for a parent. In fact, the world of children is very simple. They all feel the meaning of their existence from their parents\’ eyes, tone, and aura, and figure out whether they are loved. If a child cannot feel the love of his parents, he cannot express love back to his parents. As the old saying goes: It is better to praise a child\’s success than to count his faults ten times. Humiliation, punishment, beatings, and neglect will only deepen the child\’s painful impression and will not change his behavior. Only by winning the child\’s heart can we obtain the child\’s willing cooperation. Suspicion, distrust. KnowThere is a question: As children grow up, why do they become less and less interested in communicating with their parents? A high praise member replied: Because of distrust. When I was a child, I was bullied and beaten back. My mother came to my house and I explained. My father didn\’t believe me, so he slapped me: \”If you don\’t provoke others, will others provoke you?\” After finishing my homework, I took out my mobile phone and my father said : \”Another day of playing with mobile phones.\” When I got a little closer to the opposite sex, my father wondered: \”Is he in love?\” When I was doing homework in the room, my father would go in every three to five minutes to see if he was being lazy. I wanted to participate in an extracurricular competition, but my father said disdainfully: \”You are so weak, how can you compare yourself to others? Stop dreaming.\” To me, every contempt and suspicion from my father was like a humiliation. Not only did it successfully hurt my self-esteem, but it also successfully cut off the communication bridge between father and daughter. There is a line in the movie \”Wrath\”: \”The greatest anger\” is that the person closest to you does not trust you. Therefore, it is not that children are naturally unwilling to communicate with their parents, but that parents\’ repeated blaming and distrust without asking the reason hurt the children and make them stay away. \”Parent\’s Awakening\” talks about: The cycle of love is faith-hope-love. Begin with trust, move through hope, and then arrive at love. Without trust, how can the parent-child relationship become close and deep? Neglect, indifference. As we all know, the relationship between writer Wang Shuo and his parents is very cold. His parents sent him to a kindergarten to grow up at an age when he needed love the most, and they almost missed his entire childhood. During his adolescence, when he was most eager to focus on his heart, he was cold and harsh to him. In order to attract his mother\’s attention, he deliberately wore strange clothes and skipped school on purpose, but what was waiting for him was a slap from his mother: \”How dare you skip class if you don\’t learn well at a young age.\” After he became an adult, he quit his job to write, and he did not receive any respect from his parents. Understanding and respecting children is called \”not doing their job properly\” by their parents. There is a saying that goes well: Connection begins with attention, intimacy begins with seeing. Wang Shuo, who has always been emotionally neglected by his parents, cannot get close to them no matter what. He wrote in \”Letter to My Daughter\”: I don\’t remember loving my parents; I was afraid of them when I was little, and started to annoy them when I was older. , on the one hand, I feel that I have a responsibility to them and should be nicer to them, but I just can’t do it and I can’t even pretend. Tao Xingzhi once said: Don\’t underestimate children\’s emotions. Because for every kindness shown by children to their parents, they show their full generosity. Every anger a child feels towards his parents is a yearning for love. Ignoring the child\’s emotional needs, the child must either avoid internal harm or external aggression. Either way, the pain is unbearable for parents. Blood can allow us to meet our children, but only love can connect us closely. Psychologists say: Behind behavioral problems are almost always relationship problems. Relationship is like a channel. Once the relationship channel is unobstructed, nothing else matters. If the relationship channel is not smooth, everything is related. Therefore, without a good parent-child relationship, all education is equal to zero. Relationships determine behavior. If parents want to educate their children well, they must first establish a good parent-child relationship.