Ma Yili’s Weibo received 140,000 angry likes from mothers. What she said has been misunderstood by many parents.

Ma Yili is considered to be a big celebrity in parenting. The topics she has initiated on Weibo such as breastfeeding, breast-carrying mothers, nursing rooms, etc. are always explosive. A few days ago, she shared on Weibo This little sentiment about children\’s independence has once again touched the pain points of countless mothers. It has received more than 140,000 likes so far. \”Looking back now, what are you afraid of? Afraid that she will be too dependent if she sleeps in the same bed with us? Afraid that this dependence will destroy the child\’s independence when he grows up? Most of the parenting concepts at that time were to train independence from an early age, delay gratification, and educate against frustration. Ah, it’s all nonsense now! It’s clear that the more dependence is satisfied, the more children receive adequate emotional response from infancy. Only when they grow up will they feel safe and truly independent!” I read the message, and many mothers took sides. Ma Yili believes that we should not blindly follow expert opinions and force sleeping in separate beds and rooms for the sake of so-called independence. We must respect the uniqueness of each child\’s growth pace. Not only does the issue of separate beds cause parents\’ anxiety about their children\’s independence, a reader also told me about her troubles: she felt that her daughter was too dependent on her parents, so she always deliberately pushed her out to exercise her independence. Once when she participated in a school group activity, the loser in the game had to perform. In order to \”force\” her daughter to perform for everyone to exercise her independence, she kept losing the game on purpose. As a result, her daughter shrank on stage in front of the public and blushed. She turned her head and looked at her for help. She was very anxious but she gritted her teeth and turned her head away from her daughter. All I knew at the time was that what she was doing was terrible and even counterproductive, but I didn’t know how to help this anxious mother and her overwhelmed daughter. It wasn\’t until I later read an article by child psychologist Chen Xin that I discovered that most parents, myself included, had misunderstood the relationship between children\’s dependence on their parents and their independence. She said: \”Only when a child trusts his mother can he dare to explore the new world and develop independence. Children are curious, but when they are anxious or frightened, they cannot actively learn. At this time, the task of their brain is Ensure survival. Mom, don’t rush to cultivate your child’s independence first. If you push your child away and rush him to leave you to adapt to the new environment, you think you are training your child, but in fact you are hurting your child and the close parent-child relationship. Relationship.\” The establishment of a sense of security is the prerequisite for cultivating independence! Just like that mother, who is eager to cultivate her daughter\’s independent ability, pushes her daughter in front of everyone but refuses to help. But in fact, on the one hand, this action hurts the child\’s self-esteem and aggravates the child\’s lower self-esteem; On the one hand, it also indirectly hurts the intimate relationship between mother and daughter, and severely destroys the safe island in the child\’s mind. It can be said to be a very bad parenting misunderstanding. Such misunderstandings about cultivating children\’s independence are very common. As for myself, in the past, I simply equated independence with being able to complete something alone. When Dingdang was more than 9 months old, he could only sleep peacefully with me lying next to him. When he couldn\’t see me for a while, he would cry incessantly. This made me very anxious. I thought he was too dependent on me. Thinking about it now, the reason why I was anxious at that time was because,I ignored the most important point in cultivating independence-the construction of children\’s sense of security. As Teacher Chen Xin mentioned: \”Only when a child establishes trust (dependence) on his mother, will he gradually establish a sense of trust in the external world and other people. The sense of security that his mother gives him, and the intimacy between him and her Relationship is the basis for their independence.\” Only children who fully enjoy the intimacy between parents and children and have an absolute sense of security can develop stable independence. Therefore, it is not scary for children to cling to their parents. On the contrary, this is a sign of children establishing a sense of security. From a long-term perspective, providing children with a stable and warm family environment, providing children with high-quality love and companionship, and building a safe island in their hearts that will never collapse is the fertile ground for developing all other abilities of children, including their independent abilities. What should we worry about when we worry about our children not being able to be independent? Just like the topic of separate beds mentioned by Ma Yili, a mother left a message below. The protection of the parent-child relationship is not simply determined by a bed. Independence should not be measured by whether you sleep alone. What we should be more concerned about is: is the child sleeping in bed alone, lonely and fearful, or feeling safe? The independence we should give our children means that they can enjoy intimacy when sleeping with someone, but they are not afraid of being alone when sleeping alone. When we are always worried that our children are not strong enough to be independent, we should ask ourselves: Have I given my children enough high-quality companionship? Have I stood up for my children as soon as possible when they needed them? Have I listened carefully to my children? Do I often deny my children\’s thoughts and behaviors… The best education is always the education of love. Parents should be a safe haven for their children. When their children are really afraid of difficulties and fears, they should accept their refuge and return to the harbor, and give them Rest in your arms and give him the courage to move forward. Let your child know that when he is tired or injured, he at least has a place to lean on. How to cultivate children\’s independence? 1. Respect children and give them the right to choose. Respect children as independent persons. They can have their own preferences, express their thoughts freely, and do what they want to do or not do what they don’t want to do. When a child gradually develops the concept of \”I\”, we should carefully guard his newly enlightened independent psychology. For example, he will have his favorite small bowl, he wants to wear an Anpanman T-shirt today, and he wants to fork the dumplings into his mouth by himself. At this stage, many parents are afraid of their children \”making trouble\” and block and reject them across the board. \”No\”, \”no\”, \”can\’t\” have become mantras. The children cry loudly and the parents become even more impatient. As everyone knows, in this way, If you do this, you will miss the enlightenment period for your children to learn to be independent. Speaking of this, I remembered that I saw my friend Yue Yue share her daughter’s interesting story in the circle of friends: In the extremely hot summer, my three-year-old daughter suddenly asked to wear a down jacket to go out on the street. Sigh, my daughter still refused to give in. In the end, she did not insist on her own approach, but agreed to her daughter\’s nonsensical request. Later, when I went out, it was so hot that I was sweating. My daughter finally took off her down jacket by herself.. The mother took a very interesting photo of her daughter wearing a down jacket walking on a summer street. I think what my mother did was very good. She not only protected her daughter\’s right to choose and protected her child\’s independent psychology, but also taught her child to bear the possible consequences of her own choices. Moreover, she also left interesting memories for mother and daughter. Respect children, encourage them to explore freely within a safe range, and even if they occasionally cross the line, they can learn responsibility and reflection. These are all qualities needed to cultivate independence. 2. Let go appropriately and provide invisible help. A few days ago, I played with Dingdang with Lego blocks and looked at his immature hands. During the process of putting together, he felt frustrated after several failures and pushed the blocks aside. I can\’t help but want to help, but think about it, if I help him, the child\’s self-confidence and independence will be gradually weakened by my \”enthusiasm\”. Later, I learned to be smart and pretended that I couldn\’t spell correctly no matter how hard I tried, and then asked him for help: \”Wow, mom can\’t do it either. Dingdang, can you teach me?\” When Dingdang saw this, he immediately felt a sense of mission. , finally succeeded after several attempts, squealing happily. But there were a few times when he still couldn\’t spell it correctly. When he was about to give up, I provided invisible help (help that can stimulate the child\’s independence without frustrating the child\’s exploration ability), while increasing my efforts to ask for help: \”Quick, quick , the plane is about to fly, and the little duck is going to cry if he can\’t get on the plane.\” Finally, the child finally got it, and I gave the child some affirmation and encouragement. After playing with it, he started to play independently with confidence. This incident deeply touched me. Perhaps a child’s independence is the result of the mother’s hands-on training bit by bit. Children\’s independence is never an isolated issue. When we talk about independence, we must first talk about security. If we do not grasp the relationship between these two aspects, we will easily go to two extremes. To protect the sense of security, give the child airtight love, or to exercise independence. Forcibly pushing children into the outside world. A child\’s independence will not be achieved overnight. It does not come from performing a few well-praised shows, or from playing alone for dozens of minutes. True independence is when a child has the ability to make choices for his or her own life, and The ability to take responsibility for the life you choose. Suddenly I remembered the book \”Love and Freedom\” written by teacher Sun Ruixue. There is a sentence in her book that I think is very suitable to be used as the end of today\’s article: \”What is love? It is a kind of great tolerance and understanding. \”With love, even if you don\’t understand education, you can still give your children the basic rights to develop, and you can also set them free, allowing them to move towards independence through freedom.\”