One thing that makes your child unable to lose, maybe you are doing it

Dingdang learned to trot a while ago, so when we take him for a walk, Mr. Liu likes to have a competition with him: \”Let\’s compete to see who is the fastest!\” \”Oh, come on, baby, you are about to be daddy \”Catch up\”… In addition to Mr. Liu, I actually see that many parents around me like to use this \”competition\” method to motivate their children to strive for first place. They believe that children must be cultivated from an early age to have the awareness of \”striving for first place in everything\” so that they can survive in a competitive society in the future. But on the other hand, I often receive questions from parents on my official account: What should I do if my child loves winning too much and can’t afford to lose? ● The child pursues perfection and bursts into tears when a building block falls over; ● The child is very petty and cries and throws himself away when he loses, which makes other children unwilling to play with him; ● The child is particularly concerned about other people’s criticism of him, and it’s hard to explain , I get angry when I say it; ●Children are particularly afraid of difficulties and challenges. If something is too difficult, or they feel that they can’t do it well, they want to give up and are only willing to do simple things… Children can’t lose like this. Although you have a very competitive personality that you can’t explain, in fact, most of the time, it’s your way of complimenting that is wrong! 1. Praise affects the way of thinking. My nephew has been fond of sketching since he was a child. He used to be best at drawing apples. Whenever he drew an apple, his teacher, parents, and passers-by would praise him: \”It\’s so realistic\” and \”Genius\”… But then later My sister-in-law told me that for some reason, my nephew has recently begun to resist learning painting. One day, I casually chatted with my nephew about painting. Unexpectedly, I said a few words, and my nephew suddenly burst into tears: \”I am a little genius when I draw apples. If I can\’t draw people well, I am not a little genius.\” \”Yeah…\” After hearing this, I felt funny and distressed at the same time. It turned out that it was our wrong \”praise method\” that confused him. His psychological logic is: \”You are praising me because I am talented and can draw well, so I have to keep proving that I am talented. It is too difficult to draw people. If I can\’t draw well, I If I am no longer a genius, you will stop praising me and dislike me.\” His behavior reminded me of the sentence \”This kid is very smart, but he just doesn\’t pay attention.\” It caused the child to form a \”fixed mindset\” – attributing good results to talent (smartness), luck, and other things that are beyond his control. For them, failure means proving their talent and lack of luck, so that they become afraid of losing. In order to keep \”winning\”, they would rather choose to do simpler things. And if we usually praise the child, we focus on the process and evaluate the child specifically and objectively – tell the child how his behavior makes you feel and help: \”Wow, you kept the room so neatly today. Mom felt good as soon as she came in. \”Comfortable\”; · Praise the child for his efforts and tell him what he did well: Later, we changed the praise to the nephew to this: \”Look, the person you drew this time is very lifelike, even the lines on his face. I have painted them all, so I must have observed them very carefully when painting.\” Sure enough, after a while he liked painting again. In this way, my nephew understood that he could draw well because he was \”careful\” and \”hardworking\”. Talent is fixed, but \”careful\” can be achieved by just doing it. · Help children develop a “growth mindset”: Firm beliefSuccess all comes from hard work. Rather than winning or losing the result, you pay more attention to your performance in the process and like challenges. ☞Parenting inspiration: If you want your children not to be afraid of losing, praise them in another way. Praising your children sincerely, concretely and objectively is to help your children see themselves and win and lose objectively and concretely. 2. Do you boast too much in certain areas? My previous neighbor\’s child could memorize the \”Three Character Classic\” at a very young age and was praised very much by everyone. However, this later led to the following two situations: · The child was very concerned about his performance in memorizing the \”Three Character Classic\” and liked it. Competing with others to win or lose, one day his father asked him to show the newly learned ancient poem in front of us. One of the lines was wrong. It would have been nice to start over, but the child was extremely excited; · The child was less interested in other aspects and became less interested in sports. , Not willing to work hard in arithmetic. In fact, this is all because the parents did not help him build a comprehensive self-confidence – the age of 3 is when a child builds a sense of self-confidence. Since everyone only praises him, the child bases all his self-confidence on the \”Three Character Classic\” When it comes to things like memorizing things, they don\’t have much confidence in other aspects, so if they don\’t read Tang poetry well, they feel like they\’re finished. On the other hand, children will mistakenly believe that \”I win\”. Only when they perform well and are better than others will their parents love and praise me, so they become more afraid of losing and performing poorly. ☞Parenting inspiration: If you want your children not to be afraid of losing, you must have an eye to discover the \”advantages\” of your children in all aspects, and use comprehensive praise to build comprehensive self-confidence for your children. 3. Let children be exposed to \”competition\” too early. Think about it, a child who can think independently, be brave, emotionally stable, have good self-control, concentration, and expressive skills, even if he does not have much exposure to competition before the age of 6, will be able to grow up in the future. Not bad among the competition either. ☞Parenting inspiration: Before the age of 6, rather than cultivating a sense of competition, it is better to focus on the cultivation of children\’s other psychological nutrition and abilities. 4. Are parents more \”can\’t afford to lose\”? Last year, Dingdang participated in the crawling competition at the early education center. It was probably the first competition in his life. To be honest, before participating, I thought this was just a small event, but when the whistle blew and I saw the excited cheers of other mothers, I couldn’t help but want to win. However, Dingdang was attracted by a young lady next to him and stopped in his tracks… In the end, he didn\’t make it into the top three. At that moment, I suddenly felt that I was more frustrated than Ding Dong! Ding Dong was just treating it as a game, but when he saw that I didn\’t smile and looked a little disappointed, he suddenly froze and reached out to touch me, as if he wanted to know what was wrong with me and want to comfort me. At that moment, I immediately woke up: children actually don’t know what winning and losing are. Many children will be frustrated and sad about losing. They define and understand their own behavior based on their parents’ reactions. If parents feel that it is good for their children to try their best, their children will naturally feel that trying their best in the process is more important than winning or losing. It doesn’t matter if I lose, I can do better next time if I try hard. In addition to paying attention to the above points, if your child has developed a \”can\’t afford to lose\” personality, what can be done to remedy it? 1. When the child is out of control – acceptance. In fact, the child is just seeking attention: the child is \”When you are excited about \”winning\”, there is no need to exaggerate or deliberately suppress, just praise objectively. And more importantly, when children lose control of their emotions because of \”losing\”, we must understand that children are actually afraid that they will lose because of losing. Losing everyone\’s attention and love, they just panic that they are going to lose their parents\’ love. So at this moment, as parents, what we have to do is to insist on staying with our children calmly, even if the children try to ask us to go away, we must tell them : \”Okay, mom knows that you are sad because you lost the game. Then when you get better, mom will come to accompany you again.\” In this way, let the children understand: No matter they win or lose, the love and attention of mom and dad will always be there. . 2. Demonstrate and guide children to understand and observe how others deal with failure: · Share with your children how sad you were when you lost, how you later recovered through hard work, and talk more about the happiness in the process of hard work; · Guide the children to observe other children: \”Look, that little brother also fell down, but he stood up and tried again… Wow, look, he pulled successfully! \”, let the children know that everyone will fail, failure is not terrible, just try again. 3. Let the children experience failure appropriately. Many mothers are afraid that their children will lose and be unhappy, so they find various reasons to comfort their children, \”It was you last time. Win, let him win this time.” “He is the number one boy, and you are the number one girl.” In fact, these comforts and even deliberately letting the child win will only make the child think that “winning is the best thing.” \”I should win every time.\” Any growth in children actually comes from experience. We should regard every \”loss\” of a child as an opportunity for the child to experience \”losing\” and an exercise in how to guide oneself when dealing with failure. Emotions, opportunities to re-evaluate oneself and problem-solving abilities, an opportunity for a child to grow. What we have to do is to empathize with and accept the child\’s emotions, and after the child\’s emotions calm down, objectively analyze \”losing\” with the child. ” and what should be done next time. 4. Praise does not have to be “said”: If you think the above method of praising “effort” is too complicated, in fact, in a harmonious and healthy family, one of your praises Eyes, a nod with a smile, a touch on the head, a high-five, or even a hug or a kiss are better than all verbal praise. If children want to win, they actually want more than just the feeling of winning, and after winning, they will get Attention and love. Physical touch and eye exchange can sometimes make children feel more loved and satisfied than words. 5. Teach children to say these words · When children are afraid of losing – \”I can be very strong\”; · When the child feels that he will not succeed even if he tries – \”I succeeded if I tried\”; · When the child feels sad when he loses – \”I want to find out the reason why I can\’t win\”; · When the child feels \”I am about to lose, I \”I want to give up\” – \”I want to take a break and come back later\”; · When the child feels \”I can\’t do this\” – \”I\’ll try it first and then I\’ll talk about it\”; usually read this sentence out loud with your child, from Start by changing the child\’s language habits and change the child\’s inner negative and distorted attitude towards \”winning or losing\”.