Parents, please praise me

A few days ago, a mother left a message saying that her 7-year-old son, who had just entered first grade, went home to play games and watch TV every day before he finished his homework. Beating and scolding has no effect anymore, and I won\’t listen to reason. When beating him, he threw things and even kicked people. Normally I don\’t dare to be too cruel to him because his personality is a bit extreme and he also said: I won\’t do anything if you beat him to death, I don\’t want to live anymore. So I was afraid that he would do something stupid. He is lawless at home, but outside he is very timid. I really don’t know how to educate him. I have a headache! I often receive messages like this, full of questions about children. But the parents cannot see the essence of the problem. This 7-year-old child does not want to do his homework well. He only wants to play games and watch TV. One of the main reasons is caused by the long-term absence of parents. Some mothers will say that I always accompany my children, why do I have this problem? Companionship does not mean that you are there, but that your children need to feel you. Many children cannot feel the love of their parents. His parents are very busy every day, so they urge him to do his homework when he comes home, and they don\’t have a single kind word to say. \”I\’m so busy, for whom do I work so hard?\” \”You\’re still like this, do you want to be beaten?\” Complaints and scoldings permeate the family atmosphere, day after day, like a cancer. The children are also used to this kind of atmosphere. You can\’t do anything to me anyway. Hit me and I will die in front of you. This immediately caught the weakness of the parents. Immediately surrendered. In fact, when a timid child who dares not show off outside his words says something like this, it shows that he is \”lonely and desperate\” in his heart. Even if he said it to scare his parents, have you ever thought about why he said it? In this way, he declares his \”lack of love\” and fights against his parents\’ \”absence\”. Have you ever reflected on when did the child in your eyes become a \”problem child\”? How long has it been since you last had a good conversation with him? How long has it been since you listened to his true inner thoughts? How long has it been since you praised him? Sometimes, children\’s anger and confrontation are not actually anger and confrontation, but a desire. I once saw a letter written by a girl to her mother. There is such reflection in it, which is worthy of our parents’ deep thought. \”You already know how much I love you. And you already know that when I do anything well, you are the first person I want to tell, because I like to make you proud. And you know that no matter you No matter how angry it made me, deep down I was still very happy, because it reminded me that not everyone can have a mother like you. The anger I thought was not anger, it was just desire. Mom, it turns out that even if I I\’m over thirty years old, and I\’m still longing for your affirmation and recognition, and for you to be satisfied with me.\” Psychological discovery: The more a person does not receive the affirmation of his parents, the stronger his desire to be affirmed by his parents. And regardless of age, circumstances, or stage of life, this desire will always exist. I have a friend who is doing very well now. He has bought a house and started a family. He has achieved some success in his career, but he said he has always had low self-esteem. He said that even though his mother never praised him, he still hoped that her mother would affirm him every time. At that time, when he got a salary increase at work, didn\’t he reward himself well?Instead, he quickly called his mother to tell her. And my mother always said that whose son’s salary in the village had already exceeded 10,000 yuan. After he hung up the phone, he felt depressed. Without the approval of parents, a child will always have a hole in his heart. Especially the \”sense of worthlessness\” after being denied will stay with you for life. Parents’ affirmation and encouragement can win their children’s approval. Children are capable of much more than we imagine. It’s just that most of us adults think that children who are small will cause trouble. So when a child wants to try it, he or she is forbidden or even scolded. I remember one time in the elevator, we had just entered. I usually don’t press the button. This task belongs to Xiaoxiaoyu. He will pick up our floor every time. That time there was a child about his age who also wanted to press it himself. As soon as he stretched out his hand, his mother immediately took his hand and said, \”Don\’t press it randomly. Didn\’t I tell you?\” The child did not speak and could only be obedient. But the moment he got out of the elevator, he took advantage of his mother not paying attention and pretended to be casual. I pressed three or four keys on the keyboard at once, and then ran out. The mother may be satisfied with her discipline. But she never realized that her son was secretly resisting her. I think this kind of thing must often happen at home. Because children will all resist their parents\’ tyranny, but each child\’s method is different. Children will only follow rules they agree with. Especially when parents agree and establish rules together, children will be more willing to abide by them. I remember that was the first time my son said he wanted to do it himself. I asked him to find the button for our floor and then let him press it. He only told him: \”We can only press our own floor, not other floors, because it will hinder other people.\” He was very happy at the time and felt that he could operate such a big guy and felt very accomplished. And he followed this rule, so I gave him a big thumbs up. \”My performance was really good today. I found 15 accurately and didn\’t press any other buttons.\” Parents\’ encouragement can give children confidence and self-satisfaction. When your child wants to do something, let him try it. Every time Xiao Xiaoyu gets out of school, he will jump up and down on the sofa at home. It would make a mess and sometimes the mat would fall to the floor. It was filled with toys, small building blocks, and scattered throw blankets. It\’s such a mess. Once, I wanted to criticize him seriously and ask him to sort it out. But the result will definitely be a grimace and slowly passing the time. Let’s try a different method this time. I said to him: \”Can you tidy up all the sofas? I\’ve been wondering if you can do this well?\” \”Of course you can!\” \”Then do it quickly.\” Unexpectedly, 10 minutes have passed. Around here, the living room is quiet, and I am also cooking in the kitchen. When he calls me out. I was just stunned. The sofa cushions were stuffed into the backrest. Although it wasn\’t very neat, it was obvious that he had put a lot of effort into it. The scattered blankets were also folded by him. \”Dad, look, I said I can do it!\” \”I think you are really good. You can lay out the cushions and store the toys, which is a bit beyond my expectation. From now on, we will be responsible for organizing the sofa at home. Here you go.\” This is the third thing after mopping the floor and clearing the dishes after dinner.The chores are left to the little ones. Many mothers get angry when they see a room messed up by their children, scolding and punishing them. Then use this opportunity to let your children practice their hands-on skills. Do chores to give them a sense of accomplishment. Some mothers said, \”I often praise my child, but the child is not confident. What\’s going on?\” At this time, we need to see how the \”praise\” is meant. When parents praise their children\’s \”efforts\”, it should be an encouragement, not a compliment. Many of our parents regard their children as their own works and praise them when they have some achievements. Give some \”flashy\” or \”hypocritical\” compliments. For example, many parents, especially the elderly, often praise, \”My child is the best and smartest in the world!\” Such praise is wrong in itself. We cannot let a child feel that he is \”the best in the world\” from the age of one or two. First\”. When I went outside, I saw that there were so many children who were better than me. I went to school and saw that the teacher praised this and that every day, but never praised me. So I was depressed, tired of studying, and longed to return to the environment where people praised me at home. When praising your child, remember to mention his specific behavior. For example, you have completed something independently, or helped other children. At this time, brag confidently: \”What you just did is great, keep working hard, come on!\” \”You have made great progress, I believe you can do a good job!\” \”Great job, keep up the good work!\” The direction we encourage often guides children to continue to progress in this direction and become better. Parents should always have trust and confidence in their children, and they should always stand by their children even if they are criticized by others. And it needs to be maintained, consistently, throughout childhood. You cannot discourage your children or even give up just because of a small setback. When a child gains approval from his parents, a kind of courage will arise in his heart, which can help him overcome various problems encountered in childhood.