Really good parents stay away from this kind of emotion

At the end of the semester, Xiao Yu\’er\’s class held a parent-teacher meeting, and I asked Xiaoyu\’s mother to take her children on a trip. However, Xiaoyu\’s mother said that Xiaoyu has developed new problems recently and she will take him to the hospital for a physical examination tomorrow. She was lamenting: \”I don\’t know why, Xiaoyu is too careless. After a while, a problem will occur, this one will be fine, and that one will happen again.\” From the time I met Xiaoyu\’s mother to now, every once in a while, Xiaoyu\’s mother will He would complain about Xiaoyu’s carelessness: he likes to blink his eyes and curl his mouth, maybe he has tics; he likes to lower his head and look sideways at people, so he probably has strabismus; he doesn’t want to play with other children, maybe he has autism;… …She is also worried that because she is not good at math, Xiaoyu may also be bad at math. Xiaoyu is too introverted and easily bullied in class… Sometimes, when Xiaoyu\’s grades drop slightly, she will be so worried that she can\’t sleep. She thought that Xiaoyu was not as good as her peers in many aspects. What would she do when she became an adult… Therefore, she often fell into all kinds of panic and worries. She often took Xiaoyu to and from major hospitals. She also lamented that she I had a bad life and gave birth to a child with endless problems. But in my eyes, Xiaoyu is cute and smart. He can play well with Xiaoyuer and chat with me. Except for not being in good health and being a little introverted and unsure of myself, everything else is fine. But in Xiaoyu’s mother’s heart, why is it different from what I see? Because Xiaoyu’s mother suffers from typical parenting anxiety. What is parenting anxiety? As we pay more and more attention to our children, in the process of raising them, the children\’s problems and possible future behaviors will trigger our anxiety. This is parenting anxiety. In other words: we have very high expectations for our children and pay excessive attention to them. Therefore, once we encounter problems with our children that are different from what we have learned and thought, we will have all kinds of anxiety. affects us. Perhaps, when we are pregnant, every detail of the child affects our hearts: our little baby has not yet had teeth for more than 9 months, and the little tiger downstairs has 4 teeth when he is only one month old. Is Xiaobao malnourished? It\’s over. Xiaobao is sick and has a fever. The doctor just asked him to take some medicine. Is that okay? Will it cause encephalitis? My best friend’s child is 2 and a half years old and can read English picture books. Our little one still understands almost nothing like him. What will we do in the future? Niu Niu doesn\’t talk much when he leaves home. He won\’t fight for his toys when other children take them. He doesn\’t know how to protect himself when others push him. When he goes to kindergarten, what will he do if he is bullied without adults around? These are all manifestations of parenting anxiety, and there are even more areas for us to worry about. Every move of our children affects our emotions and even our work and life. Therefore, we are often in a state of high tension and cannot bear the slightest accident. Parents with parenting anxiety, psychologically speaking, are people who have lost their own life goals and are one of the most undesirable parents. On the surface, it’s our undivided love for our children. When we worry because of love, we actually transfer our own fears about life to our children. Parents who indulge in anxiety are characterized by researchers as disadvantagesMore than good, they destroy their children\’s future more than permissive parents – excessive control that comes with anxiety not only destroys a child\’s joy in life, but also destroys his ability to grow up: such as self-confidence, independence, and endurance. Children who have been under the influence of their parents\’ negative emotions for a long time will develop problems such as depression, irritability, and unsociability. Why are we so anxious? 1. Treat children as the whole of our lives. Many times, we regard our children as the whole of our lives. We want to realize our unfinished dreams through our children. The focus of our lives revolves around our children. 2. Lack of parenting experience. Clinician David Anderegg is a moderate researcher. He attributes the source of parenting anxiety more to the ignorance of novices: the high incidence of parenting anxiety exists in people with only one child. , or for first-time parents, the birth of more children will reduce parents\’ worries. Compared with the predecessors who had many children and grandchildren, parents with only one or two children will indulge in parenting anxiety for a longer period of time. . 3. Influence of the social environment According to statistics, the incidence of anxiety disorders in our country has increased from about 2% in the 1980s to 13% now. There is a father who describes himself as \”Don Quixote\” when his children are promoted from infancy to elementary school. In order to let his children go to an ideal elementary school, he fights everywhere and encounters obstacles. He fights repeatedly and fails, but finally achieves a satisfactory result, but also fails. Pay a huge price. This allows us to see how difficult it is to be a parent today. 4. Dogmatic reliance on books leads to misunderstanding. Many people read a large number of parenting books or participate in various training classes when they start preparing for pregnancy. They firmly believe in the knowledge that comes from books and teachers. Because they know so much, they are restrained and often make fuss out of molehills. They use the knowledge they know to measure everything in their children\’s growth every day. Therefore, it is easy to subjectively exaggerate various problems. This leads to deviations in understanding and unnecessary anxiety. 5. Excessive expectations due to blind comparison. Comparison psychology exists deep in people\’s hearts. We unconsciously compare ourselves with children of acquaintances and children of the same age. As the saying goes: Comparing yourself with others will make you angry. Development is behind others, height and weight are underweight, reading is not as good as others… These make us full of anxiety. It seems that only if our children are far ahead in all aspects, can we rest easy. What is it that is supposed to be a happy path for children to grow up and become a battlefield for our anxious emotions? In fact, parenting anxiety is the love that parents have for their children. At the same time, parenting anxiety is also a true reflection of parents\’ own insecurity. It is the worry that they are not good enough and the fear that they may lose control in the future. Cui Dongmei, a national psychological counselor, said: Mothers who truly love their children must get rid of their own anxieties and \”30% nurturing and 70% waiting.\” We must have a peaceful mind and let the children grow up in a relaxed environment. How to get rid of our anxiety? 1. Everyone should have their own space and life. Children are just a part of our lives. Make a meaningful activity plan or a new work goal and go all out to achieve it. When we are immersed in it, there is noNo time for anxiety. It will be better to relax and spend time with your children. Let every time we accompany you be a true and high-quality companionship. 2. Recognize where the needs come from. When we make a decision for our children, think about it: Is this our own need? Or the needs of the child? Or is it because of other reasons? Only by starting from the child\’s actual situation and not following the crowd can we protect the child\’s inner stability. Let’s move forward step by step and let our children grow up in our love. You know, because our anxiety will also cause anxiety in our children, which will lead to a series of problems. 3. Don’t force yourself to be a perfect parent. There are no 100% parents in this world. Parents’ “imperfection” is precisely to leave space and allow children to explore and grow themselves. When encountering unsatisfactory things, learn to use three types of thinking analysis: (1) bad things turn into good things (2) normal and nothing (3) let nature take its course. This can free us from the negative emotions of excessive parenting anxiety and allow us to The road to parenting becomes easier and easier. Children are all our creations. The works carved by different \”parents\” are also different. Please rest assured that he is not as fragile as we think. There is no need for us to panic when encountering big problems. We can accompany them on their life path and point them to the right path to prevent them from going left or right. Every child has his or her own pace of growth, so don’t be too anxious or afraid of missing something. It is not surprising that there are differences. It is normal to be a little ahead in some aspects and lagging behind in some aspects. There is a saying that goes like this: Every child is a seed, but everyone’s flowering period is different. Some flowers bloom brilliantly from the beginning, while some flowers require a long wait. Don\’t watch others bloom and get anxious when your own tree doesn\’t move. Every flower has its own flowering period. Care for your flower carefully, watch it grow up slowly, and accompany it to bathe in the sun, wind and rain. Isn\’t this a kind of happiness? Believe me, child, and wait for the flowers to bloom. Maybe your seeds will never bloom, because it is a towering tree. Dear, remember, there are no mediocre people in this world, there are just different ways to be wonderful. Psychologist Gesell conducted a famous twin experiment: a pair of identical twins were asked to practice climbing stairs. The child code-named T began to practice in the 48th week after his birth, practicing for 10 minutes a day. Another one, code-named C, started the same exercise only in the 53rd week after birth. Both children practiced for 54 weeks and reached the same level, but T practiced for 7 weeks, while C only practiced for 2 weeks. This experiment tells us that physiological maturity is more important than early training. \”Pulling seedlings to encourage growth\” that goes against the laws of nature relieves parents\’ anxiety and has nothing to do with the child\’s intelligence. Rao Xueman said: We will eventually grow up. Grow up quietly with a feeling of no resentment. In the final analysis, growth is a kind of happiness. Listen to the favorite song quietly and watch the person you like from a distance.