Sorry, I\’m not what you expected me to be

A relative has a child who is smart and loves to play. In the first few years after he was born, his parents were always busy living their own \”personal lives\” and often inadvertently neglected that there was a child who had just come into this world at home. Children sometimes come up with weird ideas, but they just don’t think about whether it will cause trouble to others. When he learned that he had done something wrong, his hot-tempered father would only beat him and hate him for failing to live up to his expectations. After the father understands that this kind of education method is wrong, whenever the child does something wrong, the father will reason with him. However, the child usually says: \”Okay, um,\” but turns around and still does what others think. A bad boy, no matter what the child\’s starting point for doing this is. The father was helpless about this. He could only treat his children in his own way without getting any feedback. I believe that this child knows what his father needs, but he can\’t do it, or he doesn\’t want to do it. He couldn\’t do what his father expected, but he didn\’t regret it because he understood what he needed. He didn\’t break the law or commit any crime, he didn\’t ruin himself, he was just himself. As onlookers, we can also guess a little bit about the father\’s thoughts. He just hopes that the child can tell him what he is thinking. He hopes to understand the true happiness and sadness in his heart, but what he gets in exchange is The child\’s silence or lies. His children cannot become what he expected. ▼All the parents in the world, at least for a moment, thought that I must take good care of my children, and how outstanding my children will be in the future. But when we actually started raising children, we discovered that raising children is really not easy. Before raising a baby, we began to search for many people’s baby-raising plans and chose the one we thought was the best. But once we implemented it, we discovered: Hey, they all use the same method, why are other people’s children so good? Why did this one suddenly go astray when I arrived at my home? Where has the wonderful child I expected gone? Having said that, if I were that child, if I had a time machine, I could only say to my parents: I\’m sorry. Having said that, have you ever thought that if your child doesn\’t turn out the way you expect, maybe it\’s a problem with your child\’s temperament? The so-called temperament, Thomas & Chess believes that children\’s temperament is the child\’s behavior style, that is, how to behave, rather than what to behave or why to behave. Temperament reflects reactions to external stimuli, opportunities, expectations, or demands. And there is no good or bad temperament. No matter what kind of temperament, it is the normal behavior of infants and young children. [So if someone tells you in the future that your child is bad here or there, you can yell back. . . ] In addition, psychologists now generally believe that temperament is relatively stable and continuous, but temperament characteristics will also change due to the influence of the environment during the psychological development of children, and Thomas & Chess found that parenting practices can significantly change children\’s temperament. Emotional style. So, what factors influence temperament? Thomas believes that the fit between temperament and environment is crucial. If your child develops behavioral problems after entering school age,Then the problem is mainly the result of the child\’s normal temperament changes in infancy and childhood and the inability to adapt well to the living environment. Why do children\’s normal temperament changes during infancy and childhood fail to adapt well to their environment? For most of us parents now, one reason may be: after we have a child, we naturally have certain expectations for him. Some of them have already thought that maybe my baby will be naughty after they are pregnant, but after My efforts will determine how I can live happily with my baby, such as how he can be sensible, smart, and excellent, etc. But these are the temperaments we like, not necessarily the temperaments our babies have. In this way, we can easily make a mistake, which is suppressing the baby\’s nature. Just think about it, if someone asked you to do something you didn\’t like, even if you knew how to do it, would you be happy? Will you give 100% of your energy? [Don\’t do this, otherwise the baby will cry. . . 】So, if we do not correctly understand the temperament of our children, not only will they not become what we expect, but they will also have many problems that we did not expect during their growth. So, what are the types of temperament? Thomas & Chess proposed nine dimensions for infant temperament assessment. Later generations, with the help of real-life observations and parent interviews, classified three types of children: easy type: mainly characterized by regular eating, defecation, and sleep, and a relatively happy mood; They are willing to explore new things and are good at integrating into new environments. About 40% of children fall into this category. Difficult type: activities are irregular and difficult to predict and grasp; difficult to integrate into new environments, very sensitive to new environments and strangers, react strongly, often nervous, and cry incessantly when falling asleep. About 10% of children fall into this category. Slow-warming type: Located between the above two types, they are chronic. They are not easy to adapt to changes in the environment. Their reactions to environmental stimuli are relatively mild and inhibited, and their mood is relatively negative. The proportion is about 15%. The remaining 35% of babies were classified by later researchers as intermediate types – the intermediate type that is easier to raise and the intermediate type that is more difficult to raise. After reading these temperament classifications, I believe everyone has a general understanding of the type of their children. So, how do we raise them? Let’s look at four typical aspects: 1. Approach/withdraw: Children with strong “avoidance” tend to be more introverted, not good at integrating into new environments, and not good at socializing. But introversion does not mean shyness. Introverts are more able to gain creative power from their hearts when they are alone. They tend to learn more deeply and can concentrate better. Therefore, parents should not force such children to say hello to others, nor should they scold them for being timid and shy because they \”don\’t like to socialize\”. We can guide them slowly – for example, letting children exchange toys with each other. Promote their \”socialization\”. Children with strong \”approachability\” prefer to socialize and are good at integrating into new environments. However, because of their strong curiosity, they need to strengthen their \”safety awareness.\” 2. Amount of activity: Children with a \”high amount of activity\” will be more naughty and active. They needYou have to keep \”tossing\” to consume your energy. But being active does not mean being \”sick\”. He just needs to release energy. For example, he needs to consume some activity before going to class – running to school or getting up early to do exercise. He can also be asked to wipe the blackboard or hand out homework after class. After consuming energy, he will pay more attention in class. You can also give him more housework at home, and parents can also take him to exercise more. Sports fields, playgrounds, and outdoors are the most suitable places for children who are active. But we can also establish a certain sense of rules for them. 3. Sensitivity: Children with high \”sensitivity\” are very sensitive to all changes around them, and are particularly good at \”observing words and emotions\” in interpersonal relationships. Therefore, children with high \”sensitivity\” should be treated calmly and positively, and guide them to think better. Children with low \”sensitivity\” are particularly careless, and sometimes they even say hurtful words without knowing it (I believe everyone has experienced this in life). For this type of child, you can read more picture books with him and observe the emotions of the characters, or take him to nature to play with water or mud to increase his sensory sensitivity threshold. 4. Mood characteristics: Some children will be in a good mood all day long, while others are more irritable and prone to crying. For such children, more patience and methods are often required. If their parents use angry, punitive rules against them and they respond with defiance and disobedience, then the parents continue their coercive tactics, which only reinforces their defiant behavior and their irritable style. In contrast, when parents were active, engaged, and engaged in sensitive, face-to-face play that helped infants regulate their emotions, children\’s difficulties declined by age 2. Having said so much, what I want to say most is: We know that every parent wants to give the best things to their children so that their children can grow more smoothly, but every child has his own temperament. If we just blindly give away gifts during the upbringing process, neglecting the children\’s own temperament, nature, and what they really need, then not only will they not become what we expect, but they may also become what we cannot predict. direction of development. Therefore, let your children follow their nature and grow up naturally. He may not be what you expected, but he became a better version of himself, even better than what you expected.