Using the right methods of criticism and self-criticism, children become more and more confident

At the beginning of this month, at the invitation of the teacher, I went to Xiaopai School to chat about her recent study situation. Unexpectedly, she encountered a small accident. During recess, one of Xiaopai\’s classmates suddenly sat on the floor and burst into tears. No matter how much the teacher and classmates comforted him, he couldn\’t stop crying. He cried for more than half an hour. At first they thought something big had happened, but after careful questioning, the teacher roughly understood the situation at that time. The child was on duty that day and was wiping the blackboard. His classmate who would be on duty the next day urged him to wipe it clean. If he couldn\’t wipe it clean, he wouldn\’t wipe it for him the next day. After hearing this, the child began to fall to the ground and cry. The classmate who urged me was obviously frightened and kept saying that he had no ill intentions and just wanted to remind me. Of course, except for the two children, we have no way of knowing the more detailed dialogue and atmosphere. After returning home, Xiaopai told me that the classmate who cried seemed to be particularly sensitive. His mood would break down easily if he received even the slightest negative comments from his teacher and classmates, making the classmates no longer dare to talk to him. After listening to this, I felt a little distressed and instinctively had many doubts about this child\’s growth experience. A few days ago, I met the mother of this child at a school event, a professional woman who looked sophisticated and capable. I happened to give her a ride, and after exchanging a few words, she suddenly said to me, \”Hey, my child is like this at home too. He will lose control of his emotions at the slightest criticism. I know that my child\’s problems are mainly my fault.\” Reason. I have very high requirements for him in all aspects and don’t want him to make mistakes. In fact, I don’t beat him or scold him. I don’t know what to do…\” Faced with her sudden confession, I didn’t know how to comfort her. The mother who was full of leadership and confidence at the event just now has sadness, self-blame and helplessness in her eyes when she talks about her children. After chatting for a while, I learned that she is a lawyer, perhaps with a bit of strict and sharp professional habits, and she has very high expectations and requirements for her only child. The child previously attended a prestigious school in Guangzhou. After realizing the problem, he transferred to the current primary school known for its \”Buddhist school\”. I think she is doing her best for the sake of her children. I think, from a secular perspective, children who have an emotional breakdown at the slightest trivial matter will be considered to have suffered too few setbacks and are overly pampered and pampered by their families. But the mother of this child was able to clearly look for the reason in herself – it was not that the requirements were too low and she received too little criticism, but that the requirements were too high and she received too much criticism. She gave me warning and inspiration. A few days ago, my dad was watching Xu Zhiyuan\’s talk show \”Thirteen Invitations.\” The guest on that episode was Jiang Wen. I liked several of his films very much, so I watched a section of them. When we were talking about movies, Jiang Wen, who was over fifty years old, was like a shining child, full of ambition. But as soon as we talked about life, the whole person began to slowly dim. He said that he was a very unconfident person and did not know how to get along with others in real life. He would be at a loss in many ordinary life situations. I was so surprised to hear \”not confident\” come out of his mouth. No matter from any secular perspective, Jiang Wen is successful.It was so successful that the host would ask, \”Have you had any failures in your life?\” Jiang Wen replied, \”Yes, but the relationship with my mother is not getting along well.\” He went on to say that he had never known how to be a mother since he was a child. will be happy. For example, when he got the admission notice from China National Theater in college, his mother threw it aside and asked him to wash the dirty clothes. For another example, he imitated other people\’s children and bought a house for his mother after making money. Her mother did not appear very happy, thinking that it was right, and she was not willing to live there anyway. Jiang Wen said with a lot of confusion in his eyes, \”I saw other people\’s mothers and children hugging each other, but I couldn\’t do it. I have been working hard for more than 20 years as an adult. I thought I could do it, but Actually not yet.\” In the end, he said with regret and reluctance that my mother passed away in March this year. The second half of the unspoken sentence may be that he has forever lost the possibility of making this mother-son relationship successful. Every time there is a discussion about the relationship between a child\’s worldly success and his inner health and prosperity, someone will always say, \”My child must succeed first, and the inner problems can be adjusted slowly when he grows up.\” or even \”As long as my child succeeds, he must succeed first.\” It doesn’t matter if my child succeeds and hates me. He will understand me one day when he grows up.” In fact, the longer I am a mother, the more I understand those who have strict requirements for their children and hope that their children will have no regrets in the future. Parents. But are they really opposites? Is it possible to be demanding and critical of children and still raise optimistic and confident children? After learning about positive psychology, I realized that one of the methods is called \”criticism leads to optimism\” – if the criticism is done well, it can actually make children more optimistic. To give a small example from our family, when school first started this semester, Xiaopai often got up early to go to school because he couldn\’t find anything in time. In the end, he forgot all about things and didn\’t have time to have a good breakfast. The day started in chaos. After having the third child, Pai\’s dad was responsible for sending Xiao Pai to school, so the mornings were often filled with Pai\’s urging and criticism, \”Hurry up, Xiao Pai! Why are you such a procrastinator! It\’s going to be late again today. I have to send you there.\” I feel ashamed!\” The strong smell of gunpowder in the morning made their relationship between father and daughter tense for a time, but the problem remained unchanged. Using the method of criticizing optimism, I tried to say, \”Xiao Pai, I think it\’s a little late for school today. Is there anything you haven\’t finished yet? Do you need my help? You did a good job in the morning last semester. Are you still not used to it when school just started? It’s not okay to be late often. From now on, before going to bed every day, mom and you will clear everything for the next day in advance.\” As a result, there was no quarrel or lateness that morning, and she was with me After clearing things for a few days, she developed the habit of preparing everything before going to bed without being reminded. The biggest difference is whether you limit the scene and scope when you criticize or ask your child, and whether you try to help him find a solution. To put it simply, the first is to \”discuss the matter as it is\”. You can point out the child\’s mistakes, but don\’t magnify the mistakes infinitely, let alone put labels like \”drag\” or \”embarrass me\”. For children who are not yet mature enough to think rationally, labeling them “no good”It really might never work. There is also a little trick: while criticizing, find similar things to affirm the child. For example, \”You did very well in the mornings last semester\” or \”You didn\’t do well in math, but your Chinese was pretty good.\” Use facts to tell him that you are not incapable of doing anything and are capable of doing many things well. . The second is to help children take action and try to solve problems. Let him experience for himself that I can think of ways to make things better, and that I can get out of trouble by my own actions. Such criticism will not affect the parent-child relationship or undermine the child\’s self-confidence. Instead, it will make the child feel again and again that it is not scary to make mistakes. When you find that you can always solve the problem, you will have real optimism and self-confidence. Just like what was mentioned in Zhao Yukun\’s \”Autonomous Parenting\” that I recommended in my book list for dads (there is a chapter in this book that talks about \”how to criticize optimistic children\” in detail. Those who are interested can buy it and read it. See), \”True optimism is not to prevent children from suffering setbacks, but to let them understand that when setbacks come, I have the ability to change them.\” I often hear mothers around me saying that when it comes to parenting, the more you know, the better. The more you do, the harder it will be. When you satisfy your children, you worry about losing a sense of rules. When you set rules, you worry about affecting the parent-child relationship. When the parent-child relationship is good, you still worry about the failure of the baby boy/girl in the future… Probably parenting is the same as anything else, which one? Don\’t go to extremes in any aspect. Find a dynamic balance that is most suitable for you and your children at the moment. You shouldn\’t go too far.