What should I do if my child doesn’t want to go to school?

The first time she came for consultation was also in the summer. How to guide a child who doesn’t want to go to school? These two stories are worth a thousand words. She came to the consultation room alone, wearing a long-sleeved top, trousers, a hat and a mask. Her expression showed an alertness and shrewdness that was inappropriate for her age, which made people laugh. It is difficult to relate her to an 11-year-old primary school student. She said her parents asked her to come. They thought she had not been going to school for a month and should come for consultation. But her parents didn\’t come with her. The family\’s driver and aunt sent her there. I asked her if she was willing to consult, and she said calmly: It\’s okay. Children who are asked by their parents to come for consultation are often superficially cooperative and lack psychological motivation. Moreover, the things that parents consider important enough to require consultation are not so for the children. She felt that it was normal for her not to go to school: I don\’t like that school. I was number one when I went to school. If I didn\’t go to school, I would study at home. I would also be number one in the exams when I went back. So it didn\’t matter to me whether I went to school or not. I asked her why she didn\’t like school. She said: The teacher is too cruel. She likes students with good grades but dislikes students with bad grades. She often scolds them in class. I said: With such good grades, you must be a student that the teacher likes. She glanced at me: But the teacher is not nice to other students. I heard the teacher scolding them and punishing them, which made me feel very uncomfortable. I couldn\’t stay in the classroom, and once I even felt sick and vomited. The child who was scolded was fine, but as a bystander, she reacted strongly. This is an individual\’s susceptibility. I think she is a very sensitive child. She said that she didn\’t like her teachers, couldn\’t get along with her classmates, and couldn\’t make good friends. Several of her good friends in the past also fell out because she found that they didn\’t like her at all and were just using her and trying to get her to spend money. They just buy things and treat them to dinner. I asked: Do you have a lot of money? She nodded: Yes, I have a lot of pocket money. My dad said I can spend whatever I want. Because there were too many disappointments in her heart, she became more and more disgusted and resistant to school. She felt dizzy and sick as soon as she walked to the school gate. The family couldn\’t bring up school. She would feel uncomfortable and want to vomit when she mentioned it. The family had no choice but to agree that she would not go to school. After the first consultation, she made an appointment for a second consultation. I have a lot of curiosity about her. Generally, children of this age are accompanied by their parents for consultation, and the parents make an appointment for consultation. But she is able to make her own decisions and act very assertive. She consults weekly and I get to know her better. When not in school, she studied at home. But she was not relaxed at home, she was even a little nervous and restless. She often suffered from insomnia at night and could not sleep the whole night. When she can\’t sleep, she plays games or listens to music. I said: It seems that you don’t feel at ease at home. What happened at home? She said: Nothing happened. My dad is very busy at work and doesn’t come home until midnight every day. My mother doesn\’t go to work and stays at home every day. I asked: What is mom doing at home? She said: Do nothing, there are two aunts at home. Oh, my dad said her main task is to take care of me and manage my studies. I said: If you don’t go to school, will your mother be anxious? She suddenly laughed: anxious, she was almost dying of anxiety. My dad said she was incapable of taking care of me. He always scolded her and sometimes beat her.More anxious. I said: If you don\’t go to school and your father is going to scold your mother, or even beat her, how will you feel? Her expression was indifferent: I don\’t think it has anything to do with me. They used to quarrel when I was in school. Now she is going crazy on her own, seeking life and death at home every day, and using various means to force me to go to school. I hate her. She can do nothing except ask my dad for money in my name. I asked: Asking for money in your name? She said: Yes. She always asked my father for money in my name and saved a lot of private money. I said: It seems that you have a better relationship with your father and not so close to your mother. She said: Can I kiss her? My dad said that my mom didn’t want to take care of me since I was born, and she didn’t want to feed me breast milk because she was afraid it would affect her figure. I was raised by my grandparents and did not return to Beijing until I was 3 years old. I shouldn\’t come back, I hate this home. I said: Were you there when dad beat mom? She shook her head: I was in my room and locked the door. Dad said it was their business and had nothing to do with me. My mother called me cold-blooded again, saying that I had no feelings for her and never helped her. How can I help her? What if my father beats me? I said: No matter what, it is wrong to hit someone. Will you be angry with your father? She was stunned for a moment: I never thought about it… I can\’t be angry with him. Everyone in the family said that without my father, my mother and I would have nothing to rely on. At the end of the consultation, she said: Teacher, I can\’t sleep every day, I always feel like there is a ghost in my house. Are there really ghosts? I\’m so scared. I can\’t be at home alone during the day. Even if there is someone at home, I have to lock the door. I didn\’t dare to go to the toilet at night. I always felt like there was a ghost following me. When I slept, it stood guard at my door. She said, crossing her arms and hugging herself tightly. The next day, the assistant told me that her mother requested a private consultation with me. I asked the assistant to tell her that if she wanted to have a private consultation, she must obtain her daughter\’s consent. The assistant quickly replied and said that my daughter agreed that my mother would come to see me once. When I first saw her, I was a little surprised. A woman in her forties, with a dark face and dark circles under her eyes, thin bones, and a withered appearance. All the water in her body seemed to have been evaporated, leaving only a dry shell. When she spoke, she was even more weak and breathless. She showed an eager and somewhat flattering look: Teacher Wang, I have wanted to see you for a long time. The child did not let me accompany her, maybe she was afraid that I would be embarrassed. Thank you. I think she has gotten much better recently. She used to not talk to us at home. After the consultation, she has changed a lot and can sometimes talk to us. After going around in circles, she finally came up with her intention: She wouldn\’t go to school, which her father and I couldn\’t accept. I am here this time to ask you to help me. Of course, I know that no one can persuade my child not to go to school. I am also prepared for her not to go to school. The main thing I want to ask you for is a favor, that is, the father of the child may also want to talk to you. If he talks to you, can you tell him that the child is sick and cannot go to school, and he must accept this reality. Also, I think the fact that the children do not go to school has something to do with the family. We quarrel every day and the relationship is very bad, which will definitely have an impact on the children. You talk to her dad and ask him to listen to me more in the future and go home early every day, noTo fool around outside. Only when we stop quarreling can our children be well. Me: Do you hope to exert some influence or pressure on your husband through me? She said: If you tell him from a professional perspective, he will listen. Now he can\’t listen to anything I say. Whenever I speak, he scolds me and beats me. Look at the injuries on my body. As she spoke, she lifted up her clothes and rolled up her sleeves to show me the scars all over her body. She did have a lot of scars on her body. When I was about to speak, she started to cry and curse: That bastard, he is not a human being, he is just a beast. He beat me, scolded me, and fooled around outside. If it weren\’t for the children, I would have divorced him long ago. I don’t care how I suffer, but my children must strive for success and go to school. She will not be able to follow me in the future and will achieve nothing in her life. She said she had committed suicide several times and was hospitalized for anxiety attacks, for which she still takes medication. When her children were in school, she was worried at home every day, fearing that something might happen to her children. When her child doesn\’t go to school, she is even more worried about her child\’s future. She is so worried that she can\’t sleep every night. She said she often got up in the middle of the night and quietly walked to the door of her child\’s bedroom to eavesdrop on what was going on inside. When she mentioned this detail, I thought of the child saying that there was a ghost in the house. I thought of the scene of a mother standing quietly at the door of her child in the middle of the night, and I suddenly felt a little creepy. During the communication, she was completely immersed in her own world and didn\’t even listen to what I was saying. I tried to experience it from the daughter\’s perspective, and understood that the child\’s seemingly emotionless attitude towards the mother may be a form of self-protection. As expected, her father made an appointment for video consultation and obtained his daughter’s consent in advance. In the video, he was sitting at a very impressive desk, and he got straight to the point when he opened his mouth: I am here for consultation, mainly because I want to ask you to teach me a method, what should I do, so that my daughter can go back to school. I said: I don’t know any method, and consultation does not provide suggestions or methods. But we can discuss it and see how to deal with it. I would like to know, as a father, what do you think is the reason why your daughter does not go to school. He said: My wife said she was sick, but I completely disagree. My daughter is mentally healthy. She doesn\’t go to school. I think it\’s mainly because of the school. The teacher\’s emotional intelligence is too low. You can beat and scold the students, but don\’t do it in front of the whole class. My daughter, a kind-hearted child, can\’t stand this stimulation. I said: Uh-huh. He said: There may be family reasons. Alas, her mother has too many problems. She has psychological problems, is paranoid, impatient, and is very strict with her children. She is not like a mother at all, and her children cannot feel warmth. Of course, there are also my reasons. You may also know some of the circumstances. I won’t hide it from you. Ever since we got married, she has suspected that I have someone outside. She has been quarreling with me every day for more than ten years. I dare not go home. Sometimes when I get angry, I hit her. I know that hitting is not good and it is not in line with my identity. After all, I am considered a successful person. But it won’t work without beating her. If I beat her once, she will be able to calm down for a few days. If I didn\’t have a complete home for my children, I would have divorced her long ago. I said: Do you think this will have any impact on the children? He said: I don’t think it has any impact. I made it clear to her that this is between me and her motherIt has nothing to do with her. This child\’s psychological quality is very good. Sometimes we are noisy at home, and she is still listening to music and singing in the room. I said: I\’m very curious. Your daughter can\’t stand it when the school teacher scolds other students. The conflict at home was more intense than at school. How could she remain unaffected? He said: These are two different things. I just said that teachers should not curse in front of the whole class. When I quarrel with her mother, I usually avoid her. Out of sight is out of mind. If she can\’t see it, then she won\’t be bothered. I said: Uh-huh. He was somewhat enthusiastic: I know my daughter well. She has been smart since she was a child, has her own opinion, studies well, and can take on tasks. I have raised her as a son, and all the family property I will earn in the future will belong to her. The only thing I\’m worried about now is her schooling. I no longer ask for Peking University or Tsinghua University, but at least she needs to go to college. Otherwise, how will she take over my class and manage the company in the future? Just as he was saying this, he suddenly turned his head and raised his voice: You pig Brain, I told you that I have something to do right now, so go out. He turned back and looked at me with a smile on his face: Sorry, it was my secretary knocking on the door just now. Let\’s go ahead. I smiled bitterly, feeling a little speechless. Obviously he didn\’t intend to give me a chance to speak, and kept talking about himself until the consultation was over. I sensed a deep sense of anger and powerlessness in my heart: it was a terrible misfortune for a girl to have such narcissistic parents. After more than two months of consultation, she offered to go back to school. She is still very nervous when thinking about school. I tried to use systematic desensitization therapy to help her, and the effect was very good. Her fear of school was greatly reduced. In fact, when she returned to school and was warmly welcomed by her teachers and classmates, she realized that everyone was missing her and looking forward to her return. She also found that the teacher was not as scary as she thought, which made her very happy and her overall condition improved a lot. I feel very happy every time she smiles and shares with me interesting people and things on campus. One day when she came for consultation, she looked gloomy and unhappy. I suppressed my curiosity and waited for her to speak first. She was silent for a long time and finally spoke: My mother is in the hospital. It turned out that the night before yesterday, her father came home drunk, and her mother quarreled with him again, saying that he had gone to hang out with women. Her father was furious and picked up a stool and hit her mother on the head. Her mother fainted on the spot and was sent to the hospital for emergency treatment, where she was diagnosed with a concussion. After finishing speaking, she let out a long breath. I was surprised and sad to hear this. She suddenly trembled all over: I saw it all. My father beat my mother. It was so terrible. My mother was lying on the ground. I thought she was dead… She cried uncontrollably: I thought my mother was dead. My dad is a devil, I want to kill him… She cried so sadly, as if she had cried out all her grievances. The fact that my mother was injured alarmed both families, and her grandparents rushed to Beijing one after another. Everyone was here, but the protagonist didn\’t show up (her father knew he was wrong and didn\’t dare to go home). Grandpa and grandma were angry and didn\’t know who to direct their anger at. Her mother\’s attitude changed from being determined to get a divorce to gradually relenting, saying that she would stay together for the sake of the children, but she wanted her husband to compensate for her physical and mental losses. She proposed an amount and asked her daughter to talk to her father. She reallyShe told her father, who immediately agreed and finally dared to go home. She said coldly: My mother likes money. As long as she has money, I can do anything to her. At that moment, the child who once showed true feelings and cried for her mother disappeared, and she put on the mask of an adult again. During a consultation, she told me an important decision: she was leaving her parents\’ home and living with her grandparents. After my mother was injured, although my father apologized and compensated, the old grudges remained and new grudges arose, and the atmosphere in the family was frosty. The home is like a piece of scattered sand, the husband and wife are in a cold war, and the elderly on both sides live under the same roof, and there are also some contradictions and conflicts. The home, which had been quiet for a short time, entered a state of war again. The grandparents felt that the house was bought by their son, and they had a sense of superiority. They spoke strangely and successfully made the in-laws angry. Grandpa and grandma left, and grandpa started to fight with his son again. He felt that he was living in his son\’s house but couldn\’t see his son every day. He was very dissatisfied. He always wanted to find opportunities to talk to his son and reason with him, which finally angered his son. Both father and son A war broke out. She was sleeping that morning and was awakened by the quarrel between her grandfather and her father. Both father and son have hot tempers, and they are about to fight when they argue. Her mother, who has always been tolerant, suddenly rushes out and accuses her father-in-law loudly: You eat your son\’s things, live in your son\’s things, and spend your son\’s things. What do you have? Are you qualified to teach him a lesson? Everyone was stunned. Her father slammed the door and left, and her grandfather was so angry that he burst into tears. As a granddaughter, she quit. She was raised by her grandparents and has deep feelings for them. She said to her mother: You are not qualified to teach my grandfather a lesson. My grandparents raised me, not you. Her mother was so angry that she cried and called her a white-eyed wolf. At this point, she tilted her head back on the sofa: It\’s so bloody, I can\’t stand it anymore. I talked to my dad about living in another house with my grandparents, which is closer to the school. My dad agreed. My mother disagreed, but her objections were ineffective. I told them that we should not see each other on weekdays, but we could get together on weekends. I said: You don’t seem to be so worried about your parents anymore. She said: I can\’t change anything at home, so it\’s better to stay away from them. If they can\’t live together, they can divorce. I can see that although they quarrel, no one can live without the other. You see, my mother still protects my father at the critical moment. I admired her intelligence in my heart. At a young age, she made a choice for herself. Maybe this is not the best choice. There will be some disadvantages in raising children for the elderly, but compared to her previous living situation, this choice may be the most beneficial to her. Living with her grandparents, she is obviously much more relaxed and happy. She seems to have lifted a thousand pounds of burden, no longer so heavy, no longer so defensive, and has a childish smile on her face. I think this is what she should look like. She was finally back to being a child. Insights on consultation: No matter how many consultation techniques and methods you master, they cannot be as effective as the consultant\’s rich life experience, continuous improvement and integration of self, and sincere heart to help others. Every client has wisdom and courage, and the counselor is just the person who accompanies him or her to find his or her true self.