10-15 years old, the most dangerous stage of adolescence: Only by making these 3 changes can you \”survive\”

Some time ago, my cousin posted a message on WeChat Moments late at night: \”I am really desperate and sad! As my son, you scolded me with dirty words, fought with me, and ignored my feelings. I really regret giving birth to you!\” The reason for everything was that after the start of the new semester, her children became addicted to video games and neglected their studies. After many attempts at communication and patience, she decided to disconnect her home from the Internet and took away her child\’s cell phone after he fell asleep. After the child woke up, she found that her cell phone was missing. She angrily insulted her and even threw a water glass at her… She told me that over the past year, she had been almost exhausted by her son\’s behavior, and sometimes she even felt heartache: How can you tell me He won\’t listen to him when he talks sense, and finds you too verbose; if you say more than a few words, he will criticize you and curse you one by one; regardless of good or bad, he will confront you about everything… In short, the once sensible man The good baby seemed to disappear overnight. Instead, there was a rebellious, impulsive, and irritable young man with thorns all over his body. Adolescent children are \”restless\”, \”chaotic\” and restless. Just as the psychologist Winnicott said: \”I planted a treasure, but I harvested a bomb.\” The bomb mentioned here is exactly adolescence! The World Health Organization defines adolescence as the age of 10 to 19, especially the age of 10 to 15, which is a stage full of risks. Children at this stage can be described as \”irritable\” and \”chaotic\”. \”Irritability\” is caused by changes in the body that bring about mood swings. Adolescent children are at the peak of their growth and development, and the surge in hormones makes their emotions difficult to control. Their hearts seemed to be filled with nameless fire. They didn\’t know where the fire came from, let alone how to vent it. This makes them grumpy during the day and difficult to sleep at night. They seem to be covered in thorns and will fight back if touched. The closer someone is to someone, the deeper the hurt will be. Therefore, adolescent children often cause headaches for teachers and difficult for parents to deal with. \”Chaos\” is because the development of rational thinking cannot keep up with the pursuit of pleasure. The nucleus accumbens area of ​​the brain (pleasure center) begins to develop at age 10 and reaches its peak by age 15. This keen experience of pleasure makes adolescent children full of curiosity and pursue new excitement and adventure. However, the prefrontal area of ​​the brain (the rational brain) does not fully mature until around age 25. Between impulsive stimulation and lack of rationality, adolescent children often behave inconsistently. Parents may think that since their children are twelve or thirteen years old, they should be sensible. The child may also feel that he has grown up and understands many things. But in fact, many of the things they want to do in their hearts are difficult to achieve in reality. This leads to tension in the parent-child relationship. This is the \”mess\” of adolescence, a time of \”turmoil and turbulence\”. But please believe: when children are least cute, it is when they need their parents’ love the most! When you understand the restlessness and confusion in your child\’s heart, I believe you will have a better understanding of your child. When you see your child with this understanding, his behavior will be more in line with common sense and more in line with what you want him to be. Finally, I would like to share a few more points with you, very practical experience in dealing with adolescent children: 1. I often say that you can only tolerate the thorns in your child, and you can only control them if you can tolerate them. The spikes on adolescent children always catch us parents off guard. When you see him pricking you, you want to press down all the pricks and pinch them one by one. But the fact is, the tighter you press and the more urgent you pinch, the more severe the thorn will be. Therefore, the first step is to learn to give your child space to accommodate his thorns. I have met many parents during consultations, and they will complain as soon as they get started, \”My child is bad at this and bad at that, has a lot of problems, and is just a problem boy.\” But when I see the child, I usually say: The child is fine and there is nothing wrong with him. Why? When you look at a child and all his behaviors make you uncomfortable, and you try to suppress him and control him, the child will definitely try his best to resist you. Instead of doing this, you might as well step back a little and accommodate him first. As a parent, you must have a belief: the rebellion of adolescent children is not his original intention! Therefore, you have to tolerate your child\’s thorns and don\’t read too much into your child\’s rebellious behavior. He just can\’t control himself. Your tolerance will make your children feel at ease: This person in front of them can tolerate me in their heart. When the child feels at ease, his emotions will be stable! 2. Catch children’s emotional storms. Adolescent children can easily fall into emotional storms, lose their temper and yell at adults. But many parents simply don’t know how to deal with the emotions of their 10-15 year old children. When the child is unhappy, the parents become very annoyed; when the child is happy, they feel uncomfortable if they do not criticize the child. These behaviors will make things more complicated and make the child more irritable. In psychology, there is a concept called \”emotional container\”, and good parents should be their children\’s emotional containers. When your child\’s anxiety, fear, and anger are released, you have to catch them and transform them into ease, warmth, and strength. How to catch it? Just remember one thing: take your kids crazy with you. During adolescence, especially between the ages of 12 and 15, you should not talk to your children about studies, scores, or rankings, do not reason with them, and do not throw cold water on them. If you find that he is unhappy, go to him, give him a hug, or play with him wildly. Simply return to the role of a mother and a father, take care of the logistics, and play and make trouble with the children more. When you do this well, you will find that you and your children are closer! Because you have entered the child\’s heart, and you are with the child\’s heart. At this time, he is more likely to listen to what you say. Love does not require too many words, but it must be felt by him, and the love and support will always be there. 3. Release your kindness and love. Parents would be wiser and stop confronting their adolescent children. Competing with adolescent children is like a lion meeting a wolf, either tit for tat, or both sides suffer. When encountering a quarrel, you must learn to be the first to release kindness and bring yourself and your children back. Let me teach you a very useful sentence. You look into your child\’s eyes and say: Mom didn\’t mean any harm just now. Believe me, mom didn\’t mean any harm. Generally, when a child hears this sentence, hisEmotions will calm down quickly and the situation will be under control. The principle here is that adolescent children are particularly afraid that their parents will misunderstand them and wrongly accuse them. He can find fault with anything you say and amplify your hostility ten or a hundred times. In this situation, as a parent, you must be a little more awake than a child with abnormal hormones. You are the first to show kindness and give the child a signal that \”it is safe now and no one wants to hurt you.\” This is very important to the child. In the future, when you have a heated argument again, once you send out a signal, the child will know: I am safe and I am not being targeted. Then the child can let go of his defenses and resistance. In the long process of human evolution, whether it is foraging, courting, or making a living, young people are required to leave their homes and enter relatively unsafe environments. In this process, the more adventure and novelty you seek, the greater your chances of success. A child\’s adolescence is essentially such an adventurous journey. They just want to seek their own position and understanding of the world in the midst of beatings and setbacks. What parents have to do is to support, guide and accept him. Your kindness and acceptance will allow your children to go through this adventurous journey more smoothly.