90% of parents are doing behaviors that destroy their children’s drive

Some time ago, my best friend encountered a \”Waterloo\” on Jiwa Road. My best friend has always been very concerned about her son\’s studies, and his grades are also good. Unexpectedly, when I first entered junior high school, I had a problem with my enthusiasm for learning. \”The child who used to be quite obedient, why does he get so angry now when he mentions studying?\” I asked: \”How did you mention it?\” She said: \”How else can I mention it, just let him do his homework well!\” I asked a question : \”When your child is usually at home, do you ask as soon as you show up: \’Have you finished your homework?\’\” She thought about it carefully and nodded. As a mother of children, I know this is a sentence that parents all over the world will blurt out. But this often does not allow children to learn consciously, and may instead become the trigger for an explosion in the parent-child relationship. I relayed a story told by Professor Zhao Yuping to my best friend. One ordinary evening, my mother was doing some housework at home. At this time, the child who was studying in the small bedroom came out and was about to go to the living room to get water. When his mother saw it, she casually asked: \”Son, have you finished your homework?\” What people didn\’t expect was that this ordinary sentence caused an earth-shattering reaction. Reaction. As soon as the words were spoken, the son became furious and said: \”Ask me, what are you asking? It bothers me all day long. If you ask me again, I won\’t write! Please take care of me from now on!\” After saying that, \”Bang——\” The door was closed with a bang, and the water was not drunk. Mom was puzzled. Why do children have such a big reaction to a simple greeting? So Professor Zhao Yuping also communicated with the children with questions, and then got the answer. It turns out that since entering the third grade of junior high school, parents have been very worried about their children\’s studies, but they have no idea what to do and ask them to do homework every day. When his mother asks: \”Have you finished your homework?\” If he answers: \”It\’s done.\” Mom will say: \”Oh, it\’s done.\” After finishing, he still sits on the sofa in a daze, not taking the time to do the exercises, memorizing Memorize vocabulary words. With such a bad attitude towards learning, every time you push or move, your father and I worked hard outside to earn money for you to go to this school. Who can you deserve?\” If he answered: \”No Finished writing.\” Mom would also say: \”Oh, I haven\’t finished writing. If I don\’t hurry up and write before I finish writing, I just sit on the sofa in a daze. This bad attitude towards learning, every time I push and move, I You and your father worked hard outside to earn money so that you can go to this school. Who can you deserve?\” It is not difficult to see that no matter how the child answers, he will always get complaints and dissatisfaction from his mother. Therefore, the child\’s outburst is not surprising. Fan Deng’s reading recommendation: How to stimulate children’s inner drive pdf+mobi+epub In this regard, Professor Zhao Yuping gave advice: Don’t use accusations and accusations to express your concern. As a parent, it is your responsibility and expectation to let your children study well. However, a parent\’s simple \”Have you finished your homework?\” seems to be a common greeting, but it does not care about the child. There are more urging, accusations and criticisms hidden behind it. I saw a sharing from a young netizen who was preparing for the exam, which made me reflect deeply: \”While studying in the room, my mother came in and said: Don\’t relax, try hard and pass. Suddenly, I gave up and didn\’t want to study… Anyway, I just listened. I felt a little unhappy after that.” When faced with my daughter Xiaomai’s study, IShe also often does things that make her \”unpleasant\”. Maybe it was out of my inner anxiety that I would always \”knock\” her from time to time: \”Do your homework well!\” \”The midterm exam is coming soon, so hurry up and review!\” \”Mathematics is a shortcoming, you have to spend more time. Have some thoughts.\” After my repeated \”kind reminders,\” Xiaomai was like a deflated balloon and did not refute me, but he just lacked enthusiasm for learning and always felt that learning was for his parents. Later I learned that in psychology, human behavioral motivations are divided into intrinsic motivations and extrinsic motivations. Self-determination theory explains intrinsic motivation as three basic psychological needs of people, namely, a sense of belonging, a sense of autonomy, and a sense of competence. Among them, a very important point is the sense of autonomy. Only when a child feels that his behavior can be decided by himself and chooses to do it consciously and proactively can his inner drive be stimulated. Therefore, parents’ verbal urging and criticism, whether intentional or unintentional, are actually depriving children of their sense of autonomy, that is, destroying their internal drive. This is why \”children who are forced and urged to learn will become less and less interested in learning.\” Parenting blogger @千儿 dad shared an education example around him. The two little skating boys he knows are both pretty good. One is among the top three in his age group in Japan, and the other has just entered the U.S. national training team for his age group. Interestingly, their parents initially focused their efforts on raising their older sisters. The two families, because of their love for skating, tried their best to train their eldest daughter to skate from the beginning. They spent a lot of thought and time, and they had no time to care about their younger brother, so they let him play on the ice with his sister. Gradually, the sisters left the ice for various reasons, but the younger brothers who had always been obsessed with it took the initiative to practice skating. I thought the boys were just out of curiosity and wanted to have some fun, and their parents didn\’t take it seriously. As a result, they suddenly burst out, very dedicated and hard-working, and their skating skills were as good as cheating. Parents and coaches were shocked. Psychologist Li Xue once said: \”External drive can also drive a person, but the feelings it brings are competition, pain and internal friction.\” Children who are pushed forward by external forces, when the resistance is greater than the push, lack of Intrinsic motivation often \”runs out\” before it can go very far, and it is easy to stop halfway. In the process of children\’s reading becoming more and more difficult, parents can push it for a while, but cannot push it for a lifetime. What is more important than pushing your children away is to protect and cultivate your children\’s inner drive on a daily basis. As the educator Ringer said: \”The only thing an educator has to do is to unconditionally protect or even defend the child\’s initiative, rather than control him.\” Therefore, when parents supervise their children\’s learning, they must not use too much urging. Blaming hurts a child’s sense of autonomy and competence. So, what is the correct \”staring\” learning posture? After studying and practicing, my best friend and I summed up some experiences and suggestions. Parents may wish to try this \”one minus two, release three guidance\”. One minus: Reduce urging and blaming, and give \”positive feedback.\” Psychotherapist Satya once proposed several wrong ways of family communication, the most common of which is accusatory communication. Just like my best friend and I often say, \”Have you finished your homework?\” On the surface, parents are just looking forFrequent greetings actually convey a sense of accusation to the child, which will naturally arouse the child\’s resentment. Only when parents let go of their sense of superior authority, trust their children with equality and respect, and reduce criticism and accusations, will they be able to listen to your reasoning. First of all, replace the commands urging criticism with gentle and firm suggestions, such as: \”Have you finished your homework?\” to \”You can arrange your own study, right?\” \”Don\’t wait, go do your homework quickly\” to \” If you finish your homework first, you will have more fun going out, right?\” \”Why don\’t you hurry up and do your homework after dinner?\” Change it to \”You can rest for a while and then concentrate on your homework, and arrange time for entertainment and study.\” Secondly. , good at giving \”positive feedback\” to children. Parents should have a \”growth mindset\” when dealing with their children\’s learning. If a child fails to complete a hundred questions, but understands one question that he did not know before, it is progress for the child. At this time, they need their parents’ affirmation to strengthen their recognition of their own sense of worth. Try to notice your child\’s progress when facing the learning results: \”You completed the homework within the scheduled time. It seems that you have a good grasp of knowledge.\” \”This test has made great progress in English. I see that you have made great progress every day. I insist on reading in the morning and work really hard!\” \”You are getting better and better at completing the same type of questions. You are making progress all the time.\” When parents let their children believe \”I can\”, \”I can do it\”, \”My \”Efforts will pay off\”, and they naturally have a steady stream of motivation to learn. Second release: Let go at the right time, from \”supervisor\” to consultant. The book \”Self-driven Growth\” points out: \”If parents want to cultivate their children\’s self-control and stimulate their inner motivation, they should regard themselves as their children\’s \”Consultant,\” not the child\’s \”boss or manager.\” 1. Help the child develop a reasonable learning plan. This plan must be the result of fully understanding the child\’s learning situation, respecting the child\’s wishes, and consulting with the child. 2. Create a good learning atmosphere. After reaching a consensus on the learning plan, all parents have to do is to give 100% trust. When children are learning, do not disturb, interfere, or give instructions. Ensure a relatively quiet learning environment without distracting objects. 3. Calmly reviewing and suggesting letting go is not a simple process and requires more endurance and confidence. If the child does not complete well, we need to put aside possible anxiety and anger and help the child review the following questions: How was the plan completed? What\’s the next step after completing it? Why isn\’t it done? Is it because the plan exceeds one\’s ability or because the self-control is insufficient? How can we improve next time? Is it a change of plan or does it require parental help to control it? Psychologist Adler believes that people have the psychological characteristics of pursuing excellence and overcoming inferiority. The child himself must have the will to pursue good things. For children, this is a growing process that requires us to slowly see progress. Three Guidance: Lead by example and be a learning parent Wu Yishu, a \”national talent\” who is famous for participating in the \”Chinese Poetry Conference\” at the age of 16, her parents\’ education method is to \”study with their children.\” In order to guide Xiao Wu Yishu, her parents jointly decided to teach Xiao Wu Yishu every afternoon Turn off your mobile phone and read history books and poetry together.Playing the game of \”Poetry Solitaire\” led to the emergence of later literary talents. Tolstoy once said: \”All education, or nine hundred and ninety-nine percent of education, comes down to role models, and comes down to the parents\’ own correctness and perfection.\” If parents want their children to have the willingness to learn consciously, parents First, love learning. This does not mean that parents should learn subject knowledge like their children, but let their children see their attitude of continuous learning and transcending themselves, and set an example for their children. For example, if you want to learn a dish, study the recipe, be brave enough to try it, and innovate; how to let your children say goodbye to procrastination? 15 lessons on efficient time management to stimulate children’s inner drive mp3 [Tools + Methods + Concepts] If you want to get promoted and get a salary increase, analyze the pros and cons, use your strengths and avoid weaknesses, and improve your abilities… Parents who are self-disciplined and motivated will definitely have good children. No matter how good your education skills are, nothing can compare to the example of your parents. Saint-Exupéry, the author of \”The Little Prince,\” once said: \”If you want to build a ship, don\’t hire people to collect wood, don\’t give orders, don\’t assign tasks, but stimulate their desire for the ocean.\” Children\’s motivation for autonomous learning must come from a sense of autonomy, belonging and competence. Truly wise parents will never push their children to learn by saying, \”Hurry up and do your homework.\” Instead, they know how to let go and be a \”consultant,\” giving positive feedback to their children and stimulating their inner drive for lifelong learning. When a child\’s eyes and heart are filled with distant scenery, every step he takes will be firm and powerful. Parents are the ones who walk side by side with their children and guide them in the direction. Click [Like], I hope every child can reach the ocean in his heart.