A father’s tearful reflection: I raised my daughter to suffer from depression

A few days ago, while browsing Zhihu, I saw a story told by a father. I was deeply shocked and once again felt that \”parents are not easy to do.\” Sometimes education is like an uncontrolled magic wand; we want our children to see the rainbow, but accidentally lead them into the shadows. Therefore, we can only work hard to find a new way out and move forward. This is a true reflection from a father, telling a growth story that spans three generations, including the three processes of grandfather\’s self-struggle, grandfather\’s education of his son (that is, the father), and grandfather\’s education of his granddaughter. ●Grandpa’s self-struggle: Grandpa’s father is a Phoenix man. After marrying his mother, he was cheated on and suffered a marriage change. After that, the father raised his two sons alone, and finally died in poverty. My grandfather has experienced ups and downs and has been insecure since he was a child. He worked hard for self-improvement, taught himself Russian and English, got up at 5 o\’clock every day to study, and worked tirelessly for decades. Now 82 years old, he often contributes articles to major newspapers and magazines. ●Grandpa’s education of his son: He hated any shortcomings in his children who were “indolent and indolent”, and adopted a tyrant-like and powerful discipline method to cultivate a son who was excellent in all aspects. However, due to his suspicious nature, he had many conflicts when living with his son and daughter-in-law. For example, he often suspected that his daughter-in-law, who worked overtime, was cheating on him. The conflicts intensified until the three of them were fighting with each other, with his granddaughter watching. Eventually they broke up and lived separately. Since both husband and wife were office workers, they gave their daughter to the grandfather. Although they were only two kilometers apart, the couple turned their daughter into a \”left-behind child.\” After get off work every day, I go to my grandpa’s house to have dinner and see the children, and then take him home to live on weekends. It started when I was 5 years old and lasted for 8 years. In this regard, their thoughts are: \”My wife and I have experienced the fierce competition in China\’s education environment and promotion, so we don\’t think there will be any problem in leaving our children to a strict grandfather. Although I have had some problems growing up, The shadow of family discipline, but I am generally a young man with good physical and mental health and extraordinary taste. But what I didn\’t expect is that everyone has different tolerance for depression, and each generation has different tolerance.\” Now, this decision allows them to Too late to regret. ●Grandpa’s education to his granddaughter: Grandpa has always felt that his education of his son was not successful enough. Now that he has the opportunity to educate his granddaughter, he feels very happy. When his granddaughter was born, he said happily: \”I never imagined that at my age, I would have to teach my granddaughter after teaching my son.\” His eagerness to try it was palpable. He continued the method of educating his son in the past, and even practiced it more thoroughly because he had enough time after retirement. He has many strict rules, such as: you must rush home within 15 minutes after school. If you are late for three or five minutes, you will be scolded. But the violent son would often fight back, while the granddaughter would only explain a few words and then go back to the room silently. After dinner, they study. After studying until half past ten, the grandfather will ask his granddaughter to wash up and go to bed immediately. In addition to studying, grandpa also lets his granddaughter do leisure activities. But the types are limited to sports such as cycling, badminton, and swimming, and do not include \”useless\” activities such as shopping and traveling. Because of her early initiation, her granddaughter is also very smart, her academic performance has improved by leaps and bounds, and her grades have always been among the best. second gradeShe skipped a grade, started to participate in various speech contests in elementary school, and won various awards… Under the \”disciplined\” education day after day, the couple discovered changes in their daughter. The \”routine visits\” to them became increasingly indifferent. They would often raise their heads to look at them, and without saying a word, they would say, \”You go back, I still have homework.\” In the second grade of junior high school, the class teacher discovered the girl\’s puppy love behavior, and she took the initiative to pursue a boy. The teacher informed her parents, and the daughter broke down and cried for the first time. Downstairs in the community where my grandfather lives, the parents and their daughter talked. After a long silence, the daughter said: \”I want to live with you.\” ●Father’s education of his daughter: After taking his daughter home, his father began to educate his daughter using his professional habits as a project manager: breaking down the study plan into hours or even minutes, with clear learning tasks and specific tasks for every half hour. Inspection methods and corresponding incentive measures. The results look good. My daughter ranked first in the high school entrance examination and was admitted to one of the best middle schools in the city. In the first semester of high school, my daughter fell in love, but soon broke up with the \”scumbag\” she called him, and then she started pursuing new goals. Her grades in science were particularly excellent, but after taking the liberal arts and sciences exam, she suddenly asked to be transferred from the top science class to the liberal arts class… One weekend night, her daughter suddenly disappeared until ten o\’clock at night, when she sent a message to her parents, \”Don\’t look for me. I want to be alone and will go home later.\” After midnight, my daughter returned home. Before arriving home, my parents received another message: \”Take me to see a psychiatrist.\” Currently, my daughter is 17 years old and suffering from depression, to be precise, bipolar disorder, also known as bipolar disorder. It is so severe that she has asked to move with her mother. , separated from his father. In this regard, my father reflected: \”There must be something that I haven\’t done right in my family, and there must be something that I haven\’t done right.\” And he is now actively reflecting on how to make up for the shortcomings in education. This story has also aroused heated discussion. Someone accused the father of dereliction of duty: \”In this article, I saw two deserters, leaving their young daughters on the battlefield to buy themselves a short breather.\” \”Uncle, as a \”child\”, I want to ask you, Your daughter, in your eyes, is she a human being?\” Some people also affirmed the father\’s reflective behavior: a netizen who has experienced depression said: \”My father doesn\’t even look at my diagnosis of depression.\” Others and The \”child\” whose father had lost the chance to repair cheered him up: \”Read it word for word. I believe that in such a long process of sorting out my thoughts, you and your daughter can get closer to each other a little bit, and I wish you deeply. It\’s great. It\’s a pity. My father and I never have a chance to repair. He was busy working and earning a good income, but he seriously neglected his health and left me early. This has been my lifelong heartache.\” In response to the controversy among netizens, my father responded: \”I have no regrets. , I just reflect. If I repent, I only need to confess to one person, without making it public. Even my daughter said, \”Dao Qian, confession is the most meaningless thing in the world.\” Only by reflecting on what can be done better and what is inevitable can Meaning.\” Yes, accusations and apologies are of no use to the parties involved, and they are meaningless to outsiders. And this story gives us more warning.After reading many netizens’ comments, Danma thought and summarized the following points, which may be worthy of everyone’s attention. 1. \”Strict parenting\” under intergenerational education. Due to financial pressure and other reasons, many people around us choose to leave their children to the care of the elderly. But we also know that the love of parents cannot be replaced by grandpa. As one netizen said: \”Grandparents can help take care of the children, but the children must grow up with their parents. Work is your responsibility, and the children are also your responsibility. You cannot use work to evade the responsibility of taking care of the children.\” Can parents be the same as grandparents? I can even imagine that girl expecting her parents to pick her up for a long time. Not only can she not be able to bear the severity, but also the coldness from her parents.\” And the grandfather in the article What they pursue is extremely strict education, which makes children feel depressed and controlled, and they lose their sense of self. A netizen who has also experienced this kind of harsh education said: \”I am still young, and my grandfather is just like your father. He is well-educated and believes in strict parenting. My father grew up under the stick of my grandfather and inherited his legacy. Personality has very high demands on me. I often feel frustrated and inferior, and lack recognition for myself. I endure the grievances and pain, but endure it and cry uncontrollably.\” 2. The concept of elite education in this story, Many netizens reflect that cultivating an “excellent” child really shouldn’t be the ultimate goal of our education. \”After reading the unfinished article, I felt shocked and depressed. As a first-time mother, I deeply realize how important emotional communication with my children is! My child, I hope he will be happy and happy throughout his life, and his grades will be the best. I want it.\” \”Forget about the so-called excellence of children. Compared with life, which is more important?\” I really couldn\’t agree more. As a parent, I have always felt that excellence is a very utilitarian word. Rather than this word, I hope to use the word \”happiness\” to wrap Dingdang\’s life. Rather than becoming an \”elite\”, what I hope more is that he can live the way he likes best. This is more important than anything else. 3. The lack of love. The lack of love, this is what I feel most deeply. Some netizens pointed out that strict discipline is not the root cause of her daughter\’s depression, but lack of love. \”When my daughter was growing up, the respondent only fulfilled her responsibilities as a guardian and did not consider what she wanted or what she wanted to do to make her happy. Her parents and grandfather thought that raising an excellent child was the best gift for her, and for her, you give her Love is the most heart-warming gift.\” Strict discipline without the support of love is a cold education. Lack of love will make children lose their sense of security and self-worth. Psychology believes that children who are exposed to a neglected, unsafe, and unloved upbringing environment in childhood will develop a deep-rooted concept in their subconscious: \”I am worthless and do not deserve the love of others\”, making children have low self-esteem. , affecting the personality development and happiness of children throughout their lives. The biggest impact of lack of love is to make children psychologically unbalanced and seek compensation. On the one hand, she will compensate for her parents who do not love her through catharsis and revenge. For example, in the story, the girl is indifferent to her parents and asks to move away from her father. On the other hand, in order to get rid of the situation of lack of love, she actively went toFind love elsewhere. This kind of compensation is \”If you don\’t give me love, I will do everything possible to find love for myself.\” For example, actively making friends, pleasing others, and falling in love early. The common purpose of these two methods is to restore balance to an unbalanced mind, but the results are often not ideal. Because the long-term lack of love causes the child to have a disordered emotion towards love, the desire for love and the pleasure of revenge are entangled, making the child feel conflicted. She does not understand the feeling of love. Maybe she will feel conflicted when she meets someone who loves her. Can\’t help but run away, at a loss for love. Therefore, a lot of psychological energy is consumed, which makes oneself physically and mentally exhausted. Therefore, the daughter in the story always takes the initiative to pursue love partners, but she keeps encountering \”scumbag men\”. After moving back to live with my parents, I still felt alienated. It is because during her most important childhood period, her soul lacked the irrigation of love. Love is not a formal companionship, but a spiritual concern that sees the child\’s feelings and needs. We must know that every loving companionship we give our children will be the most precious memories in their lives and will become the sun in their lives, illuminating every step of their lives and bringing them endless energy. .