A sense of self-boundary is a life-long armor for children

On one day of our trip to Kenya, we watched flamingos (small flamingos, relatively small) at Lake Bogoria. At the science expedition camp, a senior sister who was a freshman in Canada came up to me and \”complained\”: \”Just now, some mothers next to me were criticizing my clothes, saying why I was dressed like this and so on.\” I pretended. He comforted her easily: \”Don\’t take it to heart, just be happy.\” But in fact, when she said \”It\’s okay, I just don\’t understand why they did it. I guess they thought I couldn\’t understand Chinese (she looked like Much like ABC)\”, I felt relieved. \”It doesn\’t matter. There are always people who lack a sense of personal boundaries and step into other people\’s territory at will. But fortunately, you guarded your own boundaries and were not negatively affected by them.\” I patted her shoulder. 01 Sense of Boundary is a term that is not old yet. This word \”Sense of Boundary\” must be familiar to everyone. It is often seen in articles that \”discuss\” the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Speaking of which, it can be regarded as a \”half-new but not old\” term. In the traditional Chinese concept, the family is the basic social unit, and individuals are only part of the family. An individual without his family is incomplete. Therefore, it is \”unbelievable\” to talk about \”personal boundaries\” in traditional Chinese families. It’s not that people at that time didn’t have a “sense of boundaries”, of course they did, but they were more concerned about “family boundaries.” It’s just that times have changed, and so have our thinking and perceptions. Particularly influenced by Western independent thinking, we are trying to get rid of the \”bundle\” of family, and our demands for personal boundaries are getting stronger and stronger. We no longer accept \”the words of parents or matchmakers\”, and we are no longer willing to live under the same roof with our parents after marriage. Some people even think that the way we have supported the elderly for thousands of years should be changed… Of course, personal boundary awareness The improvement is not limited to the family, but has extended to all aspects of life and work. Today, let’s talk about how to teach children to establish and keep their own boundaries now that we have generally accepted the new social rule of “personal boundaries.” 02 Grasp the basic principles. Personal boundaries are a relatively complex concept, including multiple dimensions such as material, physical, mental, emotional, etc. Physical and physical boundaries are tangible and relatively clear. For example, do not turn over other people\’s things without permission, do not touch other people\’s bodies casually, knock on the door when entering other people\’s rooms, etc. Mental and emotional boundaries are intangible and relatively vague. What we can see are the explicit behaviors supported by them, such as not maliciously evaluating others, not forcing others to accept your opinions, and not being affected by others\’ malicious evaluations, etc. Symptoms of a lack of healthy self-boundary awareness: UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES are characterized by: • Sharing too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your need and wants. • Feeling responsible for others\’ happiness. • Inability to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment. • Weak sense of your own identity. You base how you feel about yourself on how others treat you. • Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life. A healthy personal boundary includes many of the above aspects. Its establishment and persistence are not easy, especially in our country. Difficult, one of the important reasons is the time mentioned before. As a social rule of \”used to be new but not old\”, some people agree with it with both hands, while others disdain it; or the attitude is that of sitting on the fence, strictly requiring oneself not to step into other people\’s boundaries, but unable to keep one\’s own boundaries, or vice versa. . But I believe that the goal of establishing healthy personal boundaries is achievable as long as children are taught the basic principles. The basic principle is simple: respect other people\’s boundaries, but also keep your own. Let’s take a look at the extreme cases mentioned in the previous article (The darkest moments that trap children are often due to the “wild horse ending” | Must-know rules for raising children (1)). Everyone should still remember that some time ago, the 19-year-old girl from Qingyang, Gansu Province, chose to jump and end her life because she could not escape the nightmare of being violated by her class teacher. Among the factors that pushed her to commit suicide were not only the aggression from the class teacher, but also the ridicule, gloating and even adding insult to injury from the ruthless onlookers. On the one hand, these people lack basic respect for other people\’s boundaries, enter other people\’s territory at will, express opinions wantonly, and even engage in extremely vicious personal attacks. Their behavior is disgusting and hateful. But on the other hand, if the girl\’s sense of self-boundary is stronger, she can resist the attacks of some vicious remarks, and she believes in sticking to herself, maybe the result will be different. Her ending is regrettable and heartbreaking. Of course, such extreme cases are uncommon, but there is no shortage of experiences of being attacked \”intentionally or unintentionally\” in children\’s daily lives. There are always some \”boring\” adults who like to make jokes with children that only they think are funny. What about \”You look nothing like your parents, I must have picked them up\”, \”What\’s the score on the final exam? It\’s only 80 points. Didn\’t I hear that you are good at studying? Why did you take this exam?\” Points?\”…… If children cannot stick to their own boundaries, they will easily be led by other people\’s comments, doubt, and even blame and embarrass themselves. Highly sensitive children are even more likely to use other people\’s negative emotions to punish themselves (for more content about highly sensitive children, click here -> Get to know your highly sensitive child with fur, a glass heart, and an eye for details… …). None of us want to see our children give up their own value and decision-making power to others about their happiness. But on the other hand, none of us want our children to become people who disrespect others, do not consider other people\’s feelings, trample on other people\’s territory at will, or even maliciously attack others. So, it’s still the same basic principle – respect other people’s boundaries, but also keep your own boundaries. When everyone can do this, I believe that the family and the entire society will be more orderly and harmonious. 03 How to do it specifically? The basic principles are simple, but the specifics of how to do it are much more complex. This is by no means a problem that can be solved in one article. But no matter how difficult it is, if you find the starting point first, it will be much easier later. The starting point for helping children establish healthy personal boundaries lies in the demarcation of boundaries between family members of origin. No matter how much we love each other and are close to each other, as he grows up, we must gradually let him realize that he is an independent individual and that there are boundaries between him and us. When a child understands that there are necessary boundaries even with his parents, he will naturally and smoothly deduce similar perceptions and practices to friends, colleagues, and strangers. Some picture books that teach children a sense of personal boundaries~ It is not a simple matter to \”artificially\” create boundaries between parents and children. At this time, we can find the starting point in them – the establishment of tangible physical and physical boundaries. For example, clarify their respective property rights. I often tell my children: \”This is your thing. You have to clean it up and keep it well. If it is damaged or lost, you are responsible for it.\” \”This is my mobile phone and computer. You can\’t use it at will. You must go through my approval.\” Agree\” and so on. For example, establish the concept of privacy. Children must be asked to avoid private behaviors such as bathing, going to the toilet, changing clothes, etc., and clearly tell them that this is my privacy. I don’t want you to see it, and you can’t see it. Separate beds and rooms with the child, and strengthen his concept of his own room; and require him to enter our room, knocking on the door first, and obtaining permission before entering. There is much to discuss about the establishment of invisible mental and emotional boundaries, which we will leave to discuss later. Let’s briefly talk about the behaviors that we should try our best to avoid that may cause children to develop a sense of blurred boundaries: helping children complete things that are within their capabilities; putting children at the center of everything, completely “intervening” in the relationship between husband and wife; Excessive sharing of one\’s own life feelings and moods with children, especially bad emotions; giving up the authority of parents and letting children make decisions in everything; equating children\’s success or failure with one\’s own; emotions are completely affected by children, and children are happy If you are happy yourself, you will be sad if your child is unhappy. When we do this, we are actually telling the children that you and I are not different from each other, I am you, youit is me. Therefore, it should be noted that all the above good and bad behaviors require the \”demonstration role\” of parents. \”Only the state officials are allowed to set fires and the people are not allowed to light lamps.\” Verbal requirements and actions are two different things, but in the end, actual actions dominate. If we want our children to learn to respect other people\’s boundaries, we must first respect theirs; if we want our children to learn to defend their own boundaries, we must first show them how to defend them. Having said so much, the topic of personal boundaries has only just begun. If everyone is interested, we can have an in-depth chat on each specific issue. I can share with you my journey, how I changed from a person who cares very much about what others think to a more determined, calm and open-minded person.