After an autumn outing notice was sent to the parent group… I finally understood why the child was not living up to expectations.

Recently, the parent committee of a third-grade primary school class in Haining, Zhejiang, wanted to organize a weekend one-day trip to take the children out to have fun and relax. However, they never expected that when the news of this event was released, After arriving in the class group – there are 40 people in a class, but only 4 students have no interest classes on Sunday. This number is really shocking! What do the children think about being \”tortured\” like this? Coincidentally, yesterday a friend of Qinglanjun shared a letter written by her 10-year-old son to her in the circle of friends – ten thousand grass and mud horses racing through her heart! This is the heart of Chinese children under heavy pressure! At present, parents are imposing a kind of \”over-education\” on their children. This \”over-education\” leads to a vicious circle: the more emphasis is placed on education, the worse the parent-child relationship will be, and the more disobedient the children will be; the more disobedient the children will be, the more parents will The more we need to control, the worse the educational effect will be. Parents think that spending money to send their children to good schools and hire good teachers means they will receive a good education. As everyone knows, the foundation of education lies in the family. If the foundation of family education is not well laid, school education will not be effective at all. A good parent-child relationship is better than education. Psychological research shows that the ratio of \”discipline time\” to \”happy time\” between parents and children is roughly 1:7. If \”discipline time\” exceeds \”happy time\”, then the effect of this kind of discipline will be poor or even negative. . The reason why there is so much \”discipline time\” is that parents attach too much importance and are too eager to their children\’s grades and success. Arrange the child\’s study schedule fully. Once the child is lazy and makes a mistake, he must \”fulfill his parental duties\” by nagging, denying, preaching, and pointing out the child\’s shortcomings one by one. This kind of communication is simply harmful to the child. Disaster, so children are particularly disgusted. The meaning of communication lies in the other party\’s response. When a child closes the communication channel, the parents\’ education is tantamount to failure. A 13-year-old boy in Chengdu jumped from the 18th floor after leaving a suicide note after his father beat him for staying up all night surfing the Internet. What died with him was his father\’s \”dream\” of 23 years – to live like a city dweller. \”In a few years, when my son goes to college and I buy an Audi, my dream will come true.\” Even after his son\’s death, the father still did not forget his shattered \”dream.\” For this \”dream\”, he worked nearly 20 hours a day and had no time to talk to his son. For this \”dream\”, he refused his son\’s request to see art exhibitions and car shows. He didn\’t care about anything except his grades. For this \”dream\”, when his son was overwhelmed with study load and asked to be transferred from a key class to a regular class, he casually responded by asking him to \”hold on\”. It was precisely because his son was addicted to the Internet and stayed away all night, seeing his \”dream\” fading away, that the irrational father picked up a piece of iron wire and beat his son wildly in public, knocking away his last trace of attachment to life… \”We are a couple. All the hard work was for his own good, but he failed to live up to expectations!\” He said after the child\’s death. Listen, this sentence is so familiar! I don’t know how many parents say similar words. Why do parents work so hard but their children don’t understand and live up to their expectations? Before children go to school, they are often very obedient and parents are very happy. But the childAs soon as their children go to school and get their report cards back, their parents are no longer happy. Because there is comparison, there is disappointment, there is dissatisfaction, and then there is anger, anger for not fighting, and hatred for not being strong. Parents have put in too much effort into their children’s education, so they must use their children’s success to compensate for their own sacrifices. Driven by this mentality, when children\’s academic performance is unsatisfactory and they want understanding, warmth, love and care, what their parents give them is dissatisfaction, scolding, pressure and whipping. There is only one result of such communication, and that is that the child closes the communication channel with his parents early. There is no heart-to-heart communication between parents and children, and each other\’s world cannot enter. The harm is obvious. Data shows that 80% of problem teenagers do not communicate with their parents. They are addicted to the Internet, tired of studying, fall in love early, and run away from home. Behind these problems are the crises of parent-child communication. A father said: \”My child has not spoken to me for more than half a year. I really don\’t know what he is thinking. I feel that I have lost control of him.\” Qinglanjun has a friend whose husband died of illness early. Raising my daughter alone. Her daughter is a top student in a key middle school. Not only is she excellent in studies, she is also well-educated, optimistic and cheerful. She does not have the gloom and sensitivity of some children from single-parent families. Everyone asked her for advice on education methods, and she said: \”I have no education. I think my daughter is born to be excellent and reasonable. I will listen to her, and she also listens to me very much.\” She said that she is more like her daughter\’s sister. Not mom. \”Her father died early, and we, mother and daughter, depended on each other, so I treated her as an adult. We discussed with her what to eat, what to wear, what to use at home, and where to go to play… Sometimes there are If you have difficulties, just talk to her; if she is in a bad mood, she will also talk to me.\” This is what parent-child communication should look like. Respect, trust, and appreciate each other, and let your children be willing to tell you about their problems and share their joys with you. This is the best parent-child relationship. The intimate relationship between parents and children is a hidden information chain. Although it is potential, it is extremely important. Only when the parent-child relationship is good can children listen to what parents say, and only then can effective education be carried out. A good parent-child relationship is the biggest motivation for children to study hard. Parents should focus on their children, reflect on their own words and deeds, understand their own concepts, attitudes and limitations, and try to make themselves mature and calm, so that they can The education method is more suitable for the natural development of children. The key to improving the parent-child relationship is for parents to have a normal mind. Parents who have a normal mind are the greatest blessings for their children. In reality, there are only a few children with good grades, and most children have average or even lower-middle grades. Some children have worked very hard, but maybe they started late, or maybe their methods were wrong, and their results were always unsatisfactory. In this case, parents with a normal mind will treat it calmly instead of seeking perfection and blaming. Because he was always asked about the secret of tutoring, Bill Gates\’ father wrote a book \”Attend for Life\”. He said in the book: \”This is why I wrote this book. This is really a big secret, because what makes Bill so great?Even I don\’t know. \”What he means is that there is no secret to his tutoring. He just treats his children with a normal heart. Some parents may question: \”Don\’t we need to teach our children to work hard? Don’t we need to teach our children to study hard? \”There is a saying in Buddhism that \”do things that are urgent, do them slowly\”, which means do things that you are anxious about slowly. Sometimes, if you wait for something that you cannot figure out clearly, it may be more effective than doing it in a hurry. Many athletes have a deep understanding of this. The famous table tennis player Wang Nan once said that in table tennis competitions, winning and losing are normal. No one can only win but not lose. The important thing is to maintain a normal mind. In competitions , maintain a good attitude, face gains and losses calmly, and you have already seized the opportunity. If your mind is not hindered, you will naturally be able to exert your full potential. Worrying about gains and losses at every turn will end up in chaos. Parents with a normal heart know the art of moderation: they If you have expectations for your children, but not too high, you won’t put too much pressure on them; if you love your children, but not too much, you won’t spoil them; if you value family education, but don’t impose it on your children, you won’t put too much pressure on them. It gives children space for self-education; they maintain a moderate distance from their children, do not take all the faults of the children on themselves, and do not attribute all the excellence of the children to themselves. This gives the children freedom… Only the parents\’ hearts are calm enough, Only by providing a relaxed environment, giving children love and freedom, can the children\’s physical and mental development be healthy. There is a very interesting metaphor: to raise children, you need to have the patience to chase the turtle over the mountain! When the turtle doesn\’t want to move, you You can\’t ignore it, you need to stand aside and wait and give good advice; when the tortoise crawls slowly, you have to keep encouraging it to keep moving forward; when the tortoise hums and complains, you have to listen attentively and make suggestions; tortoise When you are cheating and haggling with you, you must suppress it no matter how angry you are! When the tortoise complains that its legs hurt, you are the doctor; when the tortoise complains that it is hungry, you are the chef; when the tortoise wants to play, you are its partner… raise Children, it’s just about chasing the turtle over the mountain! But as long as you have patience, the turtle can climb to the top of the mountain and see the same scenery as the eagle.