After I raised my son to death, I realized: with this kind of atmosphere at home, children can easily become internally disturbed.

A few days ago, I took my children to a friend\’s house as a guest. My friend\’s daughter is a college entrance examination candidate with very good grades. She entered the school of her choice and enrolled in her favorite major. The whole family is overjoyed. My child asked a friend’s daughter: “Sister, studying in the third year of high school will be very tiring and hard, right?” The friend’s daughter’s answer was unexpected: “I feel like time is a bit tight, but as soon as I study, I forget everything except what is in front of me. The exercise book did not feel very tiring or hard.” My friend also said: “She is always in great condition and can complete the study plan by herself. I really don’t feel that she is tired from studying.” I sighed in my heart: “This is not good. A child with internal friction! \”Some people may ask, what does this have to do with internal friction? Listen to me. \”I can\’t listen to anything!\” During the summer vacation of my nephew Tongtong\’s third grade, I visited my cousin\’s house. My cousin asked me to tell Tongtong a math problem. She said that she had told it several times, but the child still couldn\’t understand it. , maybe someone else will be able to explain it. I clearly remember that the question was not difficult, but after I talked for more than half an hour, Tongtong still looked at me blankly: \”Sister-in-law, I don\’t understand.\” Tongtong is a smart and quick-responsive child. , based on past experience, you can almost master a question of this difficulty after just one lecture. My cousin and I talked about it over and over again for more than an hour. Why do I still say I can’t do it? I asked him, which step did he not understand? He said: \”Sister-in-law, actually I didn\’t listen.\” It turned out that during the day, he was playing football with the children outside. When he came back, he was sweating profusely. He opened the refrigerator and took out a cold drink and wanted to drink it. The cousin sister-in-law immediately grabbed it and yelled: \”Wait a minute! Don\’t drink cold drinks right after you take them out. It\’s not good for your health. I\’ve said it several times and I still can\’t remember it!\” Tongtong was so thirsty that he turned around and poured another glass of water, only to be beaten again. His cousin took it off and said, \”You just finished exercising, so you can\’t drink water right away. Wait a few minutes!\” He argued that it was not just after exercising, but more than ten minutes had passed. His cousin interrupted him: \”Isn\’t this all for you? ? Why are you so disobedient! Tell me, you are always thinking about fun! Why don’t you focus on studying? If you study hard, your grades will be the first in the grade!\” The child immediately became weak. Seeing that his son was silent, the cousin\’s sister-in-law said again: \”Why don\’t you speak? Aren\’t you quite able to speak normally? Are you being stubborn like me?\” Then, the scolding continued for more than ten minutes. Tongtong sighed and said to me: \”Sister-in-law, I didn\’t mean not to listen to your lecture. I was always thinking about what happened during the day. I didn\’t do anything wrong. Why does my mother keep talking about me? I just Is it so bad?\” Then Tongtong started to get upset again: \”This question is so simple, and I still can\’t do it after more than an hour. I\’m so stupid!\” I also sighed. The child was so excited. Before he calmed down, he couldn\’t do it. If nothing else, I can\’t think rationally at all. Tongtong talked to me for a while. After he calmed down, I told the question again and he did it immediately. Afterwards, I talked to my cousins ​​tactfully, but it was obvious that they didn’t take it seriously. \”I haven\’t done anything yet, but I\’m just tired!\” After Tongtong entered junior high school, at a family gathering, her cousin-in-law complained bitterly: \”Tongtong was so smart when he was a child. Not only was he among the top 50 in grades, he was also among the top 50 in grade. It was good to go to junior high school, but you said you were in the middle of the pack.So, the attitude is better! If he skips class and doesn\’t do his homework properly when he gets home, what else can he expect from him in the future? Seeing that Tongtong was eating silently and not responding to her words, the cousin-in-law became even more angry and shouted to Tongtong: \”You just know how to eat. Why don\’t you know how to call someone when there are so many elders on the table?\” How do I usually teach you! \”After Tongtong greeted everyone, his cousin said again: \”Is he sitting or standing? If it weren\’t for our supervision and reminder, this child would not know what he would look like! \”The party lasted for two or three hours, and my cousin-in-law kept an eye on Tongtong the whole time. When the child picked up the food, she said, \”You have picked it up so many times, and you just ate it.\” When the child drank water, she said, \”Why are you drinking so fast? Slow down.\” When the child was eating, she said, \”Don\’t just eat, eat the food in one bite.\” When the child went to the toilet, she said, \”I\’ve been there for so long, where have I wandered?\”… Not to mention the child, I almost choked when I heard it. . I remembered what Tongtong once said to me: \”I know my parents are good to me, but they find fault with everything I do. They have to say something about me even when I step out. Not to mention studying, as soon as I finished two questions, my mother patted me on the back and asked me to sit up straight. I can\’t get angry yet, otherwise I will get scolded. I feel so tired every day, even if I don’t do anything, I feel even more tired when I think of my parents nagging me…\” \”Mom, Dad, I am in so much pain! \”As a mother, I can understand the mood of my cousins. Their subjective wishes are good. Who doesn\’t want their children to have a bright future? However, the methods they use cannot help them achieve their goals. They hope to use various methods to achieve their goals. Rules cultivate children\’s various good habits, but for children, this means that they are deprived of their free will and repeatedly jump in the emotions of \”anger\” and \”guilt\”. Anger at not being able to do things according to their own wishes; guilt. Although my parents devoted themselves wholeheartedly, I couldn’t meet their requirements. “So what if I lose my temper? I couldn\’t solve the problem at all, and I got another round of scolding. Maybe I really did something wrong. Anyway, if I didn\’t speak, I would get scolded less. \”A high school student left a message in the backstage of the official account. Studies have shown that a large part of the cause of depression in teenagers comes from inappropriate parenting methods. In real life, although not all children who are raised inappropriately will suffer from depression, Although children suffer from mental illness, they must face intense inner conflicts. No matter how comfortable their material life is, they are still under great mental pressure and cannot fully devote themselves to anything they do. There are always two voices in the child\’s heart that are \”fighting\” with each other. Take learning as an example: “It’s not that I don’t study, I just don’t want to study now! Always force me to do anything! \”——Real thoughts. \”Oh, my parents have to nag me if I don\’t study. They are doing it for my own good. Besides, my homework has been a bit difficult recently. If I don\’t study, I won\’t be able to keep up! \”——An attack on true thoughts. Everyone\’s inner energy is limited. Most of the energy is used for internal consumption, and there is no way to do other things. Children who grow up like this want to do things without distractions. Good thing, it’s really hard to live out your ideal self! “See me, respect me, and let me be myself! \”Why do you think it\’s the parents\’ responsibility when a child has a problem? I believe this sentence has popped up in many people\’s minds. Don\’t get excited yet. No matter what educational point of view you hold, you have to admit one thing -—In the family, underage children are in a vulnerable position. It is difficult for them to survive without their parents, and they are easily influenced mentally by their parents. Developed thinking patterns are also difficult to change. This is not an accusation or a condemnation, but a fact and a reminder. I believe that almost all parents hope from the bottom of their hearts that their children will avoid detours and have a happy and smooth life. So, with this original intention, what can we do to help children reduce mental internal consumption? Two things. One thing is: Strictly observe boundaries and be self-responsible. Remember that time when the mother got mad because her son ate a classmate’s birthday cake? The mother\’s reason for getting angry was that she was very strict with her children\’s diet. She would grow her own food if she had no money to buy it, and would rather starve to death than let her children eat junk food. If someone else gives a child birthday cake, it is equivalent to poisoning the child. In order to \”detoxify\” the child, he forced the child to drink 30 ml of olive oil, 10 ml of coconut oil and 10 ml of flaxseed oil, and also forcefully dug his hands into the child\’s throat to induce vomiting. We all know in our hearts that which one is more harmful to children, eating cake once in a while or forcing children to drink raw oil or picking their throats. Doesn’t this mother know? I think she knows. She insisted on doing this because she regarded herself as the child\’s \”agent.\” \”How could he eat other people\’s food without my permission?\” \”Why would he give cake to my child without my permission?\” \”I want you to see the consequences of not listening to me!\” What is a child? It is her puppet, not an independent life. A child with her own thoughts leaves her with nowhere to place her consciousness, which makes her anxious and fearful. The seemingly incomprehensible behavior is to regain control of the child and \”parasitize\” the child again. As psychologist Li Xue said: \”The core ability of a parent is to be able to distinguish that oneself and the child are two independent people. When parents live in the present and focus on their own affairs, the children will naturally stay in the present. Focus on experiencing the world and developing yourself.” Another thing is: be a “good object.” To put it simply, we must always see and accept our children, so that they can focus on being themselves with us. In \”In the Name of Family\”, Li Jianjian\’s father Li Haichao is such an existence. No matter whether Li Jianjian fights with his friends, doesn\’t study as hard as other children, or likes to be lazy and eat snacks, Li Haichao will tolerate her, respect her, and support whatever she wants to do. Teacher Yin Jianli said: \”The task of childhood is not to extend outwards, but to accumulate inwards.\” When children are with us, they feel that they are good enough and everything is accepted, so they will not reject themselves in their hearts. , compete with oneself and the outside world. Finally, I would like to share with you the words of the German philosopher Jaspers: \”Education is like one tree shaking another tree, one cloud pushing another cloud, one soul awakening another soul.\” Let me encourage you.