After my son lies down, he plays with his mobile phone \”crazy\”. Reasoning, beating and scolding are useless. Do these three things and let him put down his mobile phone voluntarily.

\”Who let you in, get out quickly, I don\’t want to see you!\” With a roar, my son pushed me out of the door mercilessly when I was delivering fruit, and then closed the door tightly with a \”snap\”. I was left alone sulking at the door. \”I have worked so hard for so many years, but I have raised a white-eyed wolf?\” Since my son entered junior high school, he and we have been like \”enemies\”. The 13-year-old son always puts on a bad face towards his family. The most quarrelsome thing is playing with mobile phones. Once, I was so angry that I couldn\’t help but push him. Unexpectedly, my son actually shouted that he wanted to jump off the building. After this conflict, we had a cold war for a long time until the end of the final exam. Originally, I wanted to treat it coldly and wait for my son to take the initiative to apologize, but I didn\’t expect that he would always ignore me. One summer vacation was even more enjoyable: I stayed up late at night playing with my mobile phone, slept until noon the next day, ordered takeout when I was hungry, and didn’t wash my hair or take a shower. Finally, I couldn\’t bear it anymore and communicated with him, but the two of them started to quarrel again. My son yelled at me: \”Can you please stop caring about me? I\’m almost driven to death by you. I\’m nagging you every day. I\’m just playing with my phone. It\’s so annoying!\” I was speechless. I couldn\’t think of anything else. It doesn’t make sense, why did the obedient and sensible child from before disappear? After school started, my son was even worse, and his academic performance plummeted. I saw it in my eyes and felt anxious in my heart. 02 By chance, I came into contact with the psychology of mothers. I asked the teacher about my family situation. After hearing my complaint, the teacher pointedly pointed out: \”You are just too anxious about your children.\” Looking at my confused expression, he further explained: Psychologically speaking, the pressure of being a parent mainly comes from our desire to control Everything you can\’t control. Because I couldn\’t control everything about my child, my emotions and feelings were out of balance, so I used the \”victim\” approach to dump the pressure on the child by blaming the child for wrong behavior, but neglected whether I was educating the child. There are also some problems? Through daily study in the mother\’s psychological communication group, I reflect on the fact that during the growth of my children, I rarely affirmed them and often suppressed them. The child has been raised by our husband and wife and the child\’s grandparents since he was a child. Grandparents have a bad relationship and often quarrel, which has a negative impact on the child\’s psychology. The elderly are more careful with their children and don\’t let them do anything. However, when we go to work and we can\’t take care of them by ourselves, especially before kindergarten, even if we can spend some time with the children every night when we come back from get off work, we still spend most of our time with our grandparents. . Moreover, both of us have short tempers, especially his father, who often yells at his children when they disobey or get into trouble, and occasionally beats them. As for me, I\’m usually fine, but when I\’m busy or tired at work, I become particularly impatient with my children. When my children were in kindergarten or elementary school, they would always be sued by their teachers for all kinds of naughty things. His father and I had been relatively well-behaved since childhood. When faced with teachers, we would involuntarily succumb to authority and stand on the teacher\’s side to suppress our children. In terms of study, we have basically not put any pressure on our children. Maybe we feel that we are not optimistic about him and have low expectations. We think he can do well in school.Don\’t always get into trouble and ask your parents, we\’ll be satisfied. But in retrospect, we have told him more than once that we will no longer support him when he grows up, and he will have to support himself. We would also show him the garbage collector in the community and say that if you don’t work hard, you will have to do such a job when you grow up, it will be very hard, etc. In fact, we have never given him enough sense of security. In terms of life, because the child\’s father is a Virgo and has a bit of a mysophobia, he always says that his room is messy, things are scattered, etc. However, the child\’s living habits are relatively poor. Maybe it is because his grandparents have not allowed him to clean up by himself since he was a child. His father Every time I see his room in a mess, I can\’t help but yell at him. At the beginning of this year, the father of the child felt that we could take care of him independently when the child was older, and considering that the grandparents\’ constant quarrels would have a bad impact on the child, he asked the grandparents to return to their hometown. The child didn\’t object, but when we talked about it later, he actually missed his grandparents. Children have been stubborn since childhood and are not good at expressing themselves. Especially after they enter adolescence, conflicts will always break out. Each time they are suppressed by our roars. Sometimes when we calm down, we feel a little guilty again and go in to talk to our children. Let’s talk, the children will forgive us every time. Now think about it, every conflict this time is harmful to the child. When my son reached adolescence and his behavior was beyond my understanding, I was particularly anxious, always thinking about changing him and turning him back into the \”good\” kid I thought he was. The result is that the more anxious I am, the easier it is for me to lose my temper with my children. Children are always the first to feel pressure from parents. When children can only passively bear the pressure from their parents and cannot resist these behaviors, they will resist in a negative, evasive, and angry way. \”Whoever suffers changes.\” If parents never face up to their own problems and make changes, they can only be out-of-control parents and eventually force out an out-of-control child. 03After understanding my problem, I began to work hard to find a solution. 1. Become an aware parent. Many times, what makes us feel stressed is actually a state of tension. The more nervous we are, the less clear we are. Faced with the problem of children\’s aversion to learning, our brains are almost full of distracting thoughts. These distracting thoughts will sneak out and interfere with our own feelings and judgments unconsciously. At this time, awareness is the best way to slow down your thoughts and focus only on the problem of the child in front of you, rather than letting the problem radiate to a wider area. Keep loosening your beliefs and ask more questions why. \”Are my beliefs necessarily right?\” \”What will be the consequences if I don\’t stick to my beliefs?\” Secondly, you can stick to your own beliefs, but don\’t use these beliefs to ask your children. 2. Pay attention to children\’s inner feelings. There is a passage in \”Positive Discipline\”: A child who behaves inappropriately is a child who does not receive recognition. The more children receive recognition, their behavior and personality will get better and better. Every child\’s self-confirmation comes from positive feedback from his parents. When my son loses motivation to study, his family does not criticize him, nor does he use pressure or provocation to cheer him up. Instead, chat with him, take him to play games, and eat something to replenish his strength.His motivation will slowly be rekindled. 3. Lower your attitude and have a slow temper. It is \”nature\” for adolescent children to complain about their parents and resist their parents during their growth stage. In Mom Psychology, I learned that this is not a deliberate offense on the part of the child, but a struggle to grow. Teacher Mowei mentioned in the live class: When children resisted, they did not think about the right or wrong of the incident itself, but just focused on fighting against their parents. If the parents put down their posture at this time, he will calm down and think about the feasibility of the event itself. Not long ago, I worked hard to prepare a table of dishes, but my son stopped eating after two or three bites. In the past, I would definitely have spoken out some truth and accused him of not knowing how to cherish things. But this time, I asked calmly: \”What\’s wrong? You\’re not feeling good?\” My son was a little surprised by my change and replied: \”It\’s a little bit, don\’t worry about it.\” I still patiently replied: \”What\’s wrong with you?\” You can chat with me, what if I can help you?\” My son hesitated and told me that the math problems were very difficult recently and it was very difficult for him to follow them. I first affirmed his recent efforts, then comforted him not to worry and to take his time, and finally I put myself in his shoes and helped him think of several solutions. After that, my son\’s attitude towards me became noticeably softer. Parents can tolerate their children\’s emotions and changes, understand and accept their children, which is the beginning of the parent-child relationship emerging from the darkness during adolescence. In Mom Psychology, I studied a lot of parenting courses and emotion management courses, and learned to be an emotionally stable, relaxed and firm growth-oriented parent. Three months later, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the time my children spend playing games has been reduced from 5 or 6 hours a day to about an hour. Sometimes I will set a standard for myself: no more than 4 hours a week. The child no longer confronts me, nor does he use crying or threats to solve problems and conflicts. The child\’s academic performance has improved significantly, and he has set new learning goals for himself to prepare for the high school entrance examination and apply for the top-ranked international department. The child\’s social activities are becoming more and more abundant, his personality is becoming more and more cheerful, and his whole person is full of vitality. There is a passage in \”New Chinese Parents\”: There are two types of parents in this world. One type is \”resting on their laurels\” parents, who use a set of educational methods they received in the past to educate their children. If a child does not perform well, they usually think that there is nothing wrong with traditional education, but that the problem is with the child. One type is \”learning\” parents. They will explore educational methods that keep pace with the times. If their children do not perform well, they will reflect on it and find better ways to educate their children. A good education is an \”empowerment\”, not a \”negative energy\”. I hope my experience can give some inspiration and help to parents in trouble. If your child has entered adolescence and has problems such as being tired of studying, rebellious, addicted to mobile phones, not wanting to go to school, or even depressed and suspended from school, etc. If you want to have in-depth communication, you can make an appointment for psychological counseling. Your confusion will be responded to as soon as possible.