After raising children for 12 years, I realized that the greatest humiliation for parents is when their children reach adolescence (recommended)

I have always heard that adolescent children are difficult to manage, but I have never felt deeply about it. It wasn\’t until I read an interview with writer Chen Yu in \”Youth Speaks\” that I realized how scary it is to be fifteen or sixteen years old. The boy in the interview, Tiantian, was very well-behaved before entering high school. But after her 15th birthday, Tiantian\’s mother obviously felt that Tiantian was disobedient. It doesn\’t matter if my grades slip; I\’m not afraid of fighting with my classmates; talking back to my parents is a common occurrence. The family was very distressed and asked Chen Yu for help. Is there something wrong with the child? Chen Yu shook her head and said, \”It\’s normal. When they reach adolescence, many children become violent, rebellious and confrontational.\” Josh Shipp, a sociologist who focuses on adolescence research, also pointed out: \”Adolescents are in a stage of rapid change, and we need to accurately diagnose their problems in order to better help them.\” Children facing adolescence , letting it go or forcibly disciplining it are not solutions. How to help them get through this special period is what parents should consider. Children\’s adolescence is a difficult time for parents. A few days ago, I received a submission from a mother on the backstage. It was exactly how she felt after her daughter reached adolescence. Once upon a time, my daughter was like a friend of mine, and the relationship between mother and daughter was as close as best friends. So she is not afraid of her child\’s adolescence at all. But when her daughter entered the first grade of junior high school, she realized that she was too optimistic. As if overnight, my daughter seemed to have changed. She would either ignore her or confront her tit for tat. She would often be like a powder keg, ready to explode at the slightest moment. She was often so angry that she would fight with her daughter, causing unrest in the family. What worries her the most is that her daughter\’s grades have plummeted because she is tired of studying. During those days, she suffered from insomnia night after night. One moment I was afraid that my child would not be able to get into a good high school or university; another moment I was sulking and angry with my husband; another moment I was very distressed… I couldn’t tell what was wrong, but I just felt a sense of despair that my child could not survive. Sure enough, adolescent children are the most explosive, and adolescent parents are the most difficult. Studies have shown that teenagers aged 12-18 are the most difficult to communicate with, and 90% of parents are afraid of adolescent children. To sum it up in one sentence: \”We know that we should understand the child from his perspective, but when it comes to things, we just can\’t do it. When things remain like that, I will still be angry, disappointed, out of control, and even cry in the middle of the night. What should I do? What should I do?” This feeling of powerlessness can only be understood by those who have experienced it. What a pity for the hearts of parents in the world. The hardships of being a parent are probably most apparent during adolescence. Adolescent children are also going through their own calamity. Compared with being rebellious, disobedient, and getting into trouble, the core characteristic of adolescent children is change. Just like what blogger @豆豆奶 shared. Our son has changed from an obedient and warm-hearted man to a talkative hedgehog; from a model student in his studies, he has become a poor student who skips classes and is lazy; from a lively and outgoing sunshine boy, he has turned into a stuffy gourd who doesn\’t like to talk… We feel that the child has become bad. , as everyone knows, behind these changes, the children are undergoing a violent transformation. Teacher Chen Mo, an expert on youth education, pointed out that adolescence is the second rebellious period of people (the first rebellious period is around three years old). The sensitivity, fragility, irritability and irritability shown are mostly due to the great changes in the body and mind. physically, youthChildren in this period are typically \”very mature in body and 80% mature in brain\”. Human brain development is sequential. During adolescence, the limbic system responsible for emotions is mature and highly sensitive, but the thinking for dealing with problems is still very immature. In other words, the child\’s inner world is too chaotic. Psychologically, during adolescence, a child\’s self-awareness awakens instantly, and the desire to control life reaches its peak. They feel their own strength and desire to move from dependence to independence, from obedience to confrontation. In summary, internal conflicts continue, external actions are restricted, and the child is also going through his adolescence. Stanley Hall, the father of psychology, also said: \”Adolescence is a transitional stage full of hesitation and ambivalence, a turbulent period of life.\” So, don\’t blame the child for changing, he himself is also in the fog of adolescence. , walking at a loss. The terrible adolescence is the golden period for parent-child bonding. American clinical psychologist Lawrence Cohen has an opinion. \”If you have a close relationship with your child, the child will come back to you as an adult, and you will have a great impact on him. If you always criticize him, refute him, and demand him, the parent-child relationship will be damaged. If it is destroyed, it will be difficult for you to have any influence on him. \”Puberty is scary, but it is undeniable that this stage is also an opportunity for us to guide and care for our children. How to do it specifically? After reviewing a large amount of information, I summarized the following four aspects. First, say it well if you have something to say. Refusing to communicate, closing ourselves off, and remaining silent may be our biggest headaches. How to open the child\’s chat box has become a top priority. In the book \”Decoding Puberty\”, there is an \”8-sentence theory\” that we might as well try. First sentence: I love you. Let the child know that his parents will always have his backing; second sentence: I am proud of you. Boost the child\’s self-confidence and let him recognize himself; the third sentence: I\’m sorry. Parents should lower their posture and admit their mistakes, and set a correct example for their children; fourth sentence: I forgive you. Give the child a big hug verbally to reassure him that his parents are tolerant; sentence 5: I am listening. We can\’t always reason on our own, listening is more important than telling; sixth sentence: This is your responsibility. Let the child realize that he is the first person responsible for his own life. Sentence 7: You can do it. Encourage your child and push him to move toward his ideals step by step. Sentence 8: No. Parents should not abandon their own bottom line to prevent their children from going astray. Once the door to communication with our children is opened, our sense of powerlessness in education will disappear. Second, take things slowly. Teacher Zhao Yuping from Baijia Forum shared a case. A friend cried to him: her son always lost his temper with her, but she clearly cared about her children the most. Zhao Yuping asked, \”Why do you care?\” His friend said, \”I urge him to do his homework, care about what he eats and drinks every day, and pay attention to his performance in school.\” After hearing this, Zhao Yuping said disappointedly: \” You push and push every day, no wonder your children bother you. \”What adolescent children can\’t bear the most is being chased like a cow with a whip. There is a \”Hercules effect\” in psychology. In layman\’s terms, \”the harder you press, the more your child will resist.\”\”Awesome\”. Take everything slowly, calm yourself down, and let the children relax. Give the parent-child relationship a buffer zone so that we can be accepted by the children. Third, there is soft handling of collisions. Professor Li Meijin has reminded adolescent parents more than once: \” After the age of twelve, everyone must learn to show weakness. In general, when you are young, you have to fight for courage, and when you grow up, you have to fight for wisdom. \”To show weakness is not to let the child have his temper, but to let go of parental authority on matters that the child insists on. Qian Wenzhong, a professor of the Department of History at Fudan University, talked about his son\’s addiction to games. He knew that this would not work, but he resorted to extreme measures , undoubtedly pushing the child to the opposite side. After thinking about it, he decided to \”softly deal with it\”. He first said to the child gently: \”In addition to games in the virtual world, there are many beautiful things waiting in life. You get to explore, beyond the game. \”After that, he tried every means to find some cleverly designed and well-produced historical-themed games and recommended them to his son. Slowly, his son began to discuss some historical issues in the games with him. He seized the opportunity to guide his son to find information on his own. Find out later. When his son went to Japan to study, he majored in history and his grades were very good. Parents can’t help but worry about their children, but things will get better if they take things slow. Fourth, we must take our time to deal with difficulties together. .Adolescent children will encounter many problems that they cannot solve by themselves. Trouble. When children are in trouble, they most need the help of parents. For example, if we encounter bottlenecks in learning, we can search online, consult teachers, and sign up for tutoring classes to solve them; for example, if we encounter troubles in life, we can share our own lives. Experience, take your children out Come on; for another example, if the situation cannot be solved socially, we can help our children sort out their interpersonal relationships, find out the crux, and break them one by one. \”Positive Discipline\” says: \”The best way to win over teenage children is to be kind and firm. , respectful attitude, and stand with them first. \”Stand firmly behind the child, he will have the confidence to break through all obstacles. At the end of the writing, Harvard University has a \”Child Development Center\” that studies adolescence all year round. In the end, researchers found that: Children with \”good endings\” have What they have in common is that they are greatly supported by their parents and establish a stable, honest and close relationship with their parents. This harmonious parent-child relationship will help children develop some key abilities-planning ability and supervision. Ability, regulation ability, emotional adjustment ability, etc. In other words, every child is only one step away from an adult who cares about them. The key is how to express this unconditional love. , put it in the hands of your children safely. Speak well, do not be impatient, encourage more and help more, blame less and discipline less. Adolescence will eventually end, but we and our children still have a long way to go to encourage each other.