After raising my son to have no inner drive, I realized: if you destroy a child, you just blame him, and you talk about him all the time.

There was a family education open class called \”Teacher Please Reply\” before, and there was such a mother and son in the program. One of the children revealed that ever since he entered elementary school, his mother’s nagging has been endless: he was nagged if he didn’t do well in the exam; he was nagged if he wrote slowly; he continued to be nagged if he didn’t write correctly. When the son asked his mother to say less and give him some breathing room, the mother would start a new round of nagging at the child like a string of pearls: \”If you weren\’t your biological child, I wouldn\’t bother to care about you!\” \”You just change. Show me this once, okay?\” \”If you really can\’t stand it, ask your father to find another mother for you. Just think that I am willing to take care of you!\” Faced with these irritating words, the son also responded tit-for-tat. I kept saying: \”Can you please stop nagging me every day?\” \”I was afraid that my mother would continue to nag me like this after I entered junior high school, so I told my mother, stop nagging me! \”She didn\’t listen, and instead nagged me more.\” This 13-year-old boy finally chose to \”show off.\” Not only did he lose his self-consciousness in learning, but he also became addicted to lying. According to the mother, her son often copied the answers to the homework assigned by the teacher and did not write seriously. Sometimes the answers are copied from the serial number and they are still arrogant. Moreover, his son couldn\’t listen at all to what he said to him. The attitude towards study is also very unserious. Mother and son quarrel every day, and the house is always in a mess. The most serious incident was when she discovered that her son\’s English exercise book was completely random. She forced her son to count the trash cans downstairs in the community at 2 a.m. and continued counting until about 7 a.m. She kept telling her son that if he didn\’t study, he might as well pick up trash. Under the nagging and pressure, my son has cried several times and cannot continue to tell the story. But the mother was also very aggrieved. She felt that she had really tried her best, but could not raise her children well. She was so full of frustration that she once wanted to take her son to jump off a building. When the son heard his mother say this, he felt very scared. Across the screen, I could feel the deep despair of the mother and son. The son used rebellion to tell his mother that your education method is wrong and you shouldn\’t control me like this. Just like what \”The Courage to Discipline\” says: Nagging will make children not do it even though they know it is right. Long-term nagging from parents will lower a child\’s self-esteem, destroy his internal drive, and kill his enterprising spirit. Because from the bottom of his heart, he doesn\’t want his parents to have a better time. After both sides suffer losses, the parent-child relationship will inevitably become a piece of cake. If the starting point of nagging is love, as a parent, you have too much to worry about, and you are always afraid that he will forget it, and you always want to remind him more. Parents always hope to express this love through nagging. In life, many parents hope to make their children change by saying one thing repeatedly, but the result is definitely counterproductive. There are also many nagging parents around me who are always worried that their children will not do well or take detours. But you will find that in families where parents are nagging, the children seem to have a built-in shielding function. Why can’t my child listen after nagging me so many times? I don’t know if you have heard of this story: American writer Mark Twain once listened to the pastor’s speech in church. At first, he felt that what the pastor said was really touching, and he was ready to donate more money. But within ten minutes, the pastor stillWhile gushing, he got a little impatient and decided to just donate some change. Another ten minutes passed before it was over, so he decided not to donate a penny. When the speech ended and the fund-raising began, Mark Twain not only did not donate money, but instead took 2 yuan from the plate. This is the famous \”translimit effect\” in psychology. Because nagging is a repeated single stimulus, like continuous \”fatigue bombing\”, which can cause extreme impatience or rebellion, just like Mark Twain\’s mood when he took the money from the plate in anger. When a person receives a certain stimulus too much or for too long, he or she will develop a tendency to escape, which is a kind of self-protection based on human instinct. Therefore, even if what we say is right, the \”over-limit effect\” will make children feel rebellious and even deliberately go against their parents. Nagging also has a particularly big side effect, which is that it can damage children\’s brains. Because the biggest characteristic of nagging is negative emotions and daily repetition. Long-term nagging by parents will increase the level of stress hormones in the child\’s body, change the brain structure, and thus affect the child\’s memory center. What children need to grow up is to be loved, cared for, and seen. When children encounter setbacks in the real world, what they look forward to most is the tolerance and guidance of their parents. If we are even slightly dissatisfied with our children, we will be full of anxiety about the future, and keep talking nonsense and nagging, which will only make the children want to run away faster, or even break the jar. This is why many parents find that the more you nag your child about something, the worse his performance will be in that aspect. Because the child gradually believes that he is born to be a dawdling child, a child who cannot change his sloppiness, and a person who will never learn English well. Sooner or later, he will think that this is probably his life! Parents’ nagging and complaints about their children finally became a reality for him! Nagging is like a sharp knife, which unknowingly deprives children of their inner growth, and also takes away their curiosity, self-confidence, judgment, and sense of responsibility. I remember reading a survey before, and the question was: What is the first thing you say to your child after you go home every day? In fact, I have asked many people around me this question, and most of the answers are: \”Have you finished your homework? Why don\’t you do your homework? Can\’t you learn something else after you finish your homework?\” Only we know best in our hearts. Those who nag the most are often the ones who care the most. How could the children not feel it? Every time he heard such nagging, he would think: Do my parents care about me, or do they care about studying? Then the child has to act rebellious, but in fact he just wants his parents to pay more attention to him. You can experience it. When your child comes home from school, the first thing he says when he sees you is not \”Mom, I\’m back!\”, but \”I\’m starving to death. Is the meal ready? I\’ve been off work for such a long time. Where\’s the meal?\” Not yet done?\”, how do you feel when you hear it? It will be somewhat unhappy. Similarly, when children hear their parents nagging, \”Have you finished your homework?\”, they will rebel against their parents in their hearts and become tired of studying! The best way to change this situation is to learn to be a \”rabbit-type\” parent, talking less and listening more. Because you don’t need to talk too much, just be useful.You need to know how to speak so that your children will listen, and how to speak so that you can speak to your children\’s hearts. 1. Don’t criticize more than three times a day, and do it in a matter-of-fact manner. Parents who like to nag like to criticize their children over trivial matters. When you criticize for the first time, the child\’s inner feeling is guilt and introspection. In fact, the effect of criticism has been achieved. From the second time on, the child will become impatient. If it happens a third or fourth time, a small flame of anger will ignite in his heart, directly evolving from rebelliousness to resistance! Moreover, you should avoid rambling criticism and vent your dissatisfaction with the child in all aspects. Doing this will only make the child think: \”I can\’t change them all anyway. If you change one thing, you will nag the others. Just fight to the end and I won\’t change anything!\” 2. Time-limited management. Many times, our nagging stems from our children’s dilly-dallying and procrastination. Maybe what many mothers talk about is: \”Get up quickly!\” \”Hurry up and do your homework!\” \”Hurry up and eat…\” A particularly good way to solve this kind of problem is time limit management. We can make simple plans for our children at the beginning, such as stipulating to do homework in the morning and go to the amusement park in the afternoon. Slowly set time limits in more detailed dimensions, such as how long it takes to get dressed, eat, pack school bags, do laundry, etc. Set it up with your children in advance, and you can also assist with a time manager. According to the over-limit response, if parents remind them too many times, their children will not take it seriously. But by setting a countdown, children know what they have to do and are more likely to realize the passage of time and have a sense of urgency. Once the children adapt, they will have a fixed rhythm and their schedules will be more regular, and we won’t have to nag them behind. 3. Let children bear the consequences of their mistakes. My daughter used to stay in bed a lot. In order to help her get rid of this problem, I used the method of letting her bear the consequences. I told her: \”Daughter, you are in the first grade now and are already a big girl. Starting tomorrow morning, your mother will only call you once. If you can\’t get up on time and are late for class, you will have to bear the consequences.\” The result was: One day, after the little one got up, she looked at her watch and saw that she was already half an hour late. She was crying and blaming me for not waking her up, and said she didn\’t want to go to school. Finally, I dragged her to school. I called the teacher during the day and said that I have been training my children to get up recently. If they are late again tomorrow, I will ask the teacher to help educate them. That night, I told my child that my mother would only call you once tomorrow morning. As a result, my daughter was late again the next day. But starting from the third day, she has never been late again. Not only is it not difficult to get up now, but she also sets the alarm clock to wake me up early. If we want our children to be self-disciplined, efficient, and achieve success when they grow up, we parents must shut up, stop nagging, and let our children learn to be responsible for their actions through \”suffering\”.