After reading Dong Yuhui\’s \”Grilled Sausage Theory\”, I truly understood children\’s rebellion (a must-read for adolescent parents)

I have always heard that adolescent children are difficult to manage, and they will quarrel with their parents if they disagree, and all the deep love between mother and child in the past has disappeared. I finally saw it after my son entered junior high school. One day, as usual, I was making dinner while urging my son to do his homework, and then do other things after finishing it. But he refused to agree and wanted to take a shower, saying that his whole body smelled bad and affected his ability to do homework. Listening to his reasons, I really couldn\’t understand. From the bottom of my heart, I felt that he was just looking for excuses to avoid doing homework. After all, he has never been self-conscious enough. When he should be studying, he always said that he wanted to play Rubik\’s Cube for a while or play with Lego for a while. Every time I stopped him, he reluctantly sat at the desk and immersed himself in writing. I thought that this time, like usual, I could \”change\” him with just a few words. Unexpectedly, he actually started to fight with me. \”They say I want to take a shower first, but why do you always arrange it for me every time? Everything you say is right. Am I wrong with everything?\” I couldn\’t stand him \”defying\” me like this, so I scolded him in a fit of rage, and even I wanted to get my husband to help teach him a lesson, but he immediately ran away, eager to leave the scene of the incident. Recalling the scenes of the quarrel between mother and son, I feel full of powerlessness: When did the child become rebellious and find it difficult to communicate? The only constant thing in the world is that children will \”change\” sooner or later. I saw a mother seek help from a psychologist, teacher Chen Mo: her son just entered the first grade of junior high school and refused to listen to anything. If he was asked to go east, he would go west, and he was often kept alone in a room. Not coming out of the room. Even when he told me some things he had to say, he could feel that his son was impatient, trying his best to escape from the scene and unwilling to listen any more. Seeing her son being so disobedient and disobedient to discipline, the mother was very anxious. She was especially worried that her son would make bad friends and learn to be bad. For this reason, teacher Chen Mo pointed out the problem to the point: the child didn\’t seem to have done anything bad, he was just being rebellious. Most children of this age are in a rebellious stage. They instinctively want to grow up, and growing up means making their own decisions. When you hear others giving orders to you, you will feel that they are suppressing your own growth. These \”changes\” in children are a necessary stage. If you think about it carefully, it is indeed the case. My son was very attached to me when he was a child. He said \”Mom\” before and after \”Mom\” all day long, and he would immediately think of me whenever something delicious came up. In kindergarten, even though he was naughty and mischievous, he could still listen to what he said. Even if he sometimes did \”little tricks\” secretly behind my back, I basically didn\’t care as long as they didn\’t go too far. When I entered elementary school, I met more and more people of the same age, and they began to have secrets and topics that were not convenient for me to communicate with. I didn\’t think anything of it at that time and always regarded him as a child who hadn\’t grown up yet. Speaking of it now, I still use the simple and crude education methods of the past, and am used to \”saying everything\”. I always feel that I am right, and I have not considered that he has grown up and has his own ideas. No wonder there are more and more conflicts between mother and son. I can\’t enter his world, and he doesn\’t want to open his heart to me. An education expert once said: If parents always insist that what they say is right, it will only make their children feel that they are \”wrong\” and deprive their children of their desire and right to actively express themselves. Children may not understand anything when they are young, and they may not think about problems as comprehensively as adults. But as he grows up and learns more and more, he cannot stay in the same place forever, like he did in the past.To be so ignorant and submissive. When he becomes stronger and independent, parents must also make changes, adjust in time, let go, and be humble. Children\’s \”problems\” have nothing to do with \”rebellion\”. I think of a video of Dong Yuhui in the live broadcast room, which is a good reminder for countless adolescent parents. At that time, he was chatting with the anchor teacher Pengpeng. As he was talking, he picked up a sausage with chopsticks and asked everyone: \”From your perspective, what shape do you see this?\” What many viewers saw was nothing more than this. Short, fat, and irregularly shaped like ordinary grilled sausages. But Teacher Pengpeng, who was standing next to him, quickly took over and said that the piece of black wheat on his body formed an exclamation mark. After summarizing the conclusions of the audience and Teacher Pengpeng, Teacher Dong Yuhui looked at the piece of grilled sausage and said meaningfully: \”From what I can see, it is round.\” Then he continued to add: \”You know I What does this example mean? Let’s stop arguing with others. We both have different positions and see things differently. We are both right. Why should I convince you and why should you convince me?” A grilled sausage, a short and insightful output, not only makes people admire Teacher Dong\’s wisdom, but also points out the way parents educate their children, that is, with different perspectives and different stances, parents might as well think more empathically and use their children\’s Look at the problem from perspective. Adolescent children often have their own opinions, which are not necessarily “extreme,” “unreasonable,” or “rebellious.” Li Guo, the second eldest son of Hei Xiaolong\’s family, an education expert, was regarded as a \”black sheep\” by his teachers and neighbors since he was a child. He got zero marks in exams, was naughty and made trouble. But no matter what others say about the second child, Hei Youlong and his wife are always on the same side with their children and patiently understand the true inner thoughts of the second child. One time, the second child took something in a store without paying. The staff insisted that he was a thief. However, under the guidance of his mother, he said that he was just curious because his classmates were not caught taking things and he wanted to give it a try. Perhaps such a reason is difficult to accept. But from a child\’s point of view, he never thought about stealing. If his parents were like others and insisted that he had moral problems, then he might not be able to counterattack and become the dean. The so-called \”rebellion\”, in the final analysis, is nothing more than children\’s behavior being different from their parents\’ expectations and their own persistence. The only thing that can remove his \”problem\” label is the acceptance, understanding and empathy of his parents. Only a child who is understood has the opportunity to live freely and happily according to his own life trajectory. Children are difficult to manage. Parents must not \”manage\” adolescent children at home. The challenges faced by parents are indeed great. But Mary Sheedy Kochenko, Ed.D., said in \”Parents, Children and the Struggle for Power\”: \”If parents take the time to listen to and respond to their children\’s needs instead of isolating and rejecting them, children will be more willing to communicate with them. Parents are close.\” It can be seen that when children change, parents must also make changes. They might as well put aside simple and crude education methods and learn to consider issues from the child\’s perspective. With this understanding, I decided to adjust my education methods from these three perspectives: 1. When a bad mood comes, press the pause button. Bad emotions are the mortal enemy of parent-child relationships, especially in adolescence education. When parents get angry, children are often more likely to \”hold grudges.\” moodIt\’s okay to express yourself, but you can\’t attack the child. If your child is being disobedient or is behaving in a way that is likely to irritate him or her, don\’t stay around him. Press the pause button, don\’t have an attack, don\’t talk, and let your emotions buffer. A mother around me is used to doing this. Every time she notices a quarrel with her child, she immediately tells her child, \”Stop it, mom won\’t tell you anymore,\” and then leaves the scene urgently. After many times of self-adjustment, she felt less guilty about impulsively hurting her children, and was able to view her children\’s expressions more rationally and calmly. The power of emotions is very powerful. Only when parents can control it can they protect the relationship with their children from being destroyed and affected. 2. Learn to show weakness and accept weakness, and \”stabilize\” children\’s hearts. Professor Li Meijin has reminded adolescent parents on many occasions: \”After the age of twelve, parents must learn to show weakness. In general, it is to fight for courage when you are young, and to fight for wisdom when you grow up.\” Being weak and showing weakness does not mean allowing children to bully their parents, but It is to put down your own authority on things that the child insists on, and squat down to listen to what the child has to say. For example, if your child insists on taking a bath first and then doing homework, you might as well say, \”I think what you said makes sense, and it really depends on what you say.\” Or if he has his own opinions, you can express his position and ask, \”Tell me what it is.\” Meaning, maybe better than I thought.\” Fully accepting and respecting children are the prerequisites for establishing a close relationship with children. Only by \”stabilizing\” him instead of \”forcing\” him away by suppressing and controlling him can parents get into the child\’s heart and get closer to him. 3. Just shut up when you need to. Talking more is useless. The writer Mai Jia personally experienced her son\’s three years of \”self-isolation\” during his adolescence, and he still had lingering fears. Seeing his son\’s closed door, he tried to communicate, but failed. His son\’s anger from the inside out made him feel powerless. This is a true portrayal of parents of adolescent children. The child is difficult to understand and deal with. He doesn\’t know which words he said offended him or which actions made him hysterical. The best \”self-protection\” is to shut up, don\’t nag, don\’t talk about big principles, give your child a quiet space, and just wait patiently. Pointing to the end, avoiding sharp edges, and communicating rationally and with restraint are the greatest needs of adolescent children. I can’t help but think of Jane Nelson’s famous saying: “The best way to win over a teenage child is to stand with them first with a kind, firm, and respectful attitude, so that the child can gain a sense of self-esteem and support from being understood and supported. A sense of belonging. \”In fact, the conflict between children and parents is a signal that reminds parents to make changes. With good adjustment, the relationship between children and parents will enter a newer and more mature stage, and this will also help the children\’s future growth. I sincerely hope that all parents in the world can calm down, think from others\’ perspective, see the needs behind their children\’s behavior, and give them attention and love. Only in this way can we have a heart-to-heart relationship with our children, gain their sincerity, and be heart-to-heart until the end.