After reading the \”Hercules Effect\”, I understood: The biggest danger in education is competing with children

\”Bang -\” I can\’t tell, this is the first time my son has slammed the door in front of me. Every time this happened, I was so angry that tears welled up in my eyes, and I wanted to kick his door open. I really can’t understand that before the first day of the new year, my son was still very obedient to me and would do whatever I asked him to do. Friends around me also praised me for being able to \”manage\” my son to be obedient and obedient. But now, when I ask him to go east, he insists on going west. I ask him to do his homework at a certain time, but he refuses to do it and accuses me of being \”too strict\”. Where is the strictness? I told him every day to \”study hard and rely on reading to counterattack in the future\”; I was afraid that he would be lazy and not complete his homework in time, so I would stay with him and watch him write; I told him that it was okay to make friends, but he had to tell me that I would Check… I\’ve never seen him object before. Why does my son seem to be a different person as soon as he enters the second grade of junior high school? He disobeys me everywhere and goes against me? Can\’t you keep an eye on it? His classmates are making steady progress in their studies, only his grades are getting worse and worse, and he failed several subjects last semester. When trying to reason with my son, we can\’t agree at all. As soon as he heard me start, \”Mom, I want to tell you something about you…\”, he immediately covered his ears and ran back to the room; after saying a few more words, he became completely impatient and slammed the door shut as if he had eaten dynamite, not giving me a chance to speak. . At first, I tried to force open his door and ordered him not to be so rude. He is a child and must listen to adults. But the more this happens, the more resistant his son becomes. Once, I saw my son’s math homework was a mess and asked him to rewrite it, a little more urgently. But he said that I was not a teacher, and he even threatened me by saying, \”Don\’t mention studying to me, or I will stop studying if you mention it again.\” I never thought that my relationship with my son would be so bad. I had mixed feelings in my heart. Whenever others asked about my son, I hesitated and did not dare to respond. Am I destined to be incompatible with my son in the days to come and no longer be able to \”control\” him? What should he do with his studies? The more I thought about it, the more anxious I became, and the more anxious I became, the more I felt like a failure as a mother… By chance, I chatted with a friend who is a psychology teacher about my sadness, unbearableness, and confusion. After listening to my complaints, my friend pointedly pointed out: \”You don\’t understand the changes of adolescent children. The more you \’compete\’ with him, the less he will listen to you. Put down your sense of authority and don\’t Speak to him in a commanding and demanding tone. As your child grows older, you have to change too.\” Seeing my confusion, my friend talked about the \”Hercules Effect\”: this is a kind of spring-like resistance. Behavioral performance, especially in conflicting parent-child relationships, the more strict the parents\’ discipline, the more rebellious the children will be; the more the parents will reprimand, the more the children will talk back. It is a kind of negative resistance mentality of \”you can\’t get along with me, and I will also make you unhappy.\” Frankly, I really hadn\’t thought about that. My son walks in front of me every day. Unexpectedly, he has grown from the young and innocent little boy into a \”little man\” with a deep voice and an Adam\’s apple. Standing next to me, they are half a head taller than me. But I ignored his physical and mental changes, and I didn\’t realize that the education method I was used to was no longer suitable for him. After chatting with my friend, I thought for a long time and secretly thoughtI made a determination: I don’t want to change my son anymore, I want to change myself first. On the first day, I got up early and fried my son two of his favorite poached eggs. Remind him to get up at the same time as usual and tell him: \”Mom has to go to work early today. You can pack up and go to school.\” Although I was worried that he would be late, I still chose to \”ignore\” him and thought about how I should \”face\” him when I got home at night. After getting off work, I specially bought the plain-cut chicken that my son had always said was delicious. He happened to come back while he was busy in the kitchen, so he asked him to wash his hands and eat some fruit if he was hungry. That night, I didn\’t want to ask him about his studies as much as before. Instead, he was asked to finish his homework and do whatever he wanted, or just relax. In the next few days, I also tried to make delicious food for my son, always observing and paying attention to his mood. Occasionally, when I see him doing nothing, I call him over to help: \”Son, the floor of the house has not been mopped yet. Mommy\’s hand hurts a little. You can mop it for a while.\” \”Son, I need to send you a message quickly. I want to help you wash that handful of vegetables.\” \”…you will \”order\” him to do things, but you will not \”ask\” how he is learning. Of course, without my son’s knowledge, I would privately ask the class teacher to find out about his class status and homework completion status. After hearing the teacher say that it was almost the same as in the past, I felt relieved: It turned out that if I didn\’t interfere with my son, my son would not become worse than I imagined. In this way, I continued to try for a month, put aside my \”loving worries\”, and adjusted the method of educating my son. As expected, my son also \”changed\”… When my son\’s midterm exam results came out that day, I didn\’t dare to ask. I thought that he would definitely not take the initiative to report to me, so I would ask the head teacher about the situation later. Unexpectedly, a scene that I had never expected appeared: my son stood at the door of the kitchen for a while, and when he saw me, he asked him to wash his hands and eat fruit. He looked straight at me and said, \”Mom, I have something to ask you.\” You.” After talking about it, it turned out that there was one subject that my son was confident about, but the result was not what he expected, and he only scored more than 70 points. \”Can you help me analyze where my point deduction problem lies?\” I couldn\’t believe my ears when I heard my son taking the initiative to talk to me about study, but I soon regained my composure and motioned for him to go back to the room. chat. For more than an hour, my son talked about all the confusions he had encountered in the past half semester, the pressure on study, and the secret competition with his classmates. It turned out that it wasn\’t that he didn\’t want to study, but that after entering junior high school, the environment changed and his mentality changed. Sometimes I feel irritable for no reason. When I can\’t study or feel stressed, I tend to think randomly. \”Mom, do you know? When you mentioned studying to me before, I got very angry. I felt that you only cared about how I did in the exam and didn\’t pay attention to my mood at all. You stopped asking during this time. I really feel It\’s very relaxing, I feel like you are still the mother who loves me, so I decided to tell you.\” After hearing what my son said, my nose felt sore. Why did I only care about his studies and always order him, demand him, and put pressure on him? In fact, when a son encounters problems and difficulties, he needs his parents\’ care most, instead of standing on his opposite side and pushing him away or forcing him away. Almost, I made a bigger mistake, almost, I and IThe estrangement between the sons became deeper and deeper. Fortunately, I made changes, cut my losses in time, and apologized to my son for the \”mistakes\” I made in the past. I finally won my son back. He is willing to talk to me about his feelings and listen to me. Parenting expert Laura Markham said: \”The most important rule of parenting is for parents, not for children. Parents must first solve their own problems before they can establish an ideal parent-child relationship.\” Witnessing his son\’s journey from rebellion to disgust After learning how to be active and proactive now, I understand why my son doesn\’t talk to me, and I also understand the main reason why our relationship has improved. It’s related to my three “self-transformation plans”. First, treat children as adults and realize that \”children are not accessories to their parents.\” In the past, I always thought that my son was the flesh that fell from my body, the continuation of my life, and that I had absolute control over him. No matter how old he is, he is still an ignorant child in my eyes. When he started to fight against me, I slowly realized that my son had reached the \”psychological weaning period.\” He longs for freedom, respect, and the right to make his own independent choices, so he spares no effort to get rid of his parents\’ control. The \”Law of Respect\” in education emphasizes that children\’s growth needs to be respected, and children\’s lives should not be planned at will. To put it simply, I changed my evaluation and view of my son and regarded him as an independent individual. He has the final say on what he wants to do and what needs he has, not me, and I have no right to interfere. Psychologist Zeng Qifeng said: \”What parents have to do is to help their children become kings of their own land. In other words, within a certain range, parents must respect their children\’s opportunities and rights to develop their own political, economic and military interests.\” Let go of control over your children and give them room to grow. Only when your children \”have a way to go\” will they have the energy and mind to do the right things. Second, \”show weakness\” to your children appropriately and lose your parents\’ authority. As a friend mentioned the \”Hercules Effect\”, the more authoritative the parents are, the more their children will resist. At this time, the \”weakness effect\” can work best. Professor Li Meijin said in \”Round Table School\”: \”After the age of 12, parents\’ communication methods must change. The most important thing is that parents must learn to show weakness.\” I didn\’t understand the reason for this at first, until I confessed my feelings to my son. \”Weak\” and taking the initiative to \”bow down\” to my children, the relationship between my son and I finally returned to balance. The strength and authority of parents will invisibly suppress children\’s initiative and sense of security. Parents who are too strong and powerful may even deprive their children of opportunities to try, explore, and grow on their own, destroying their self-esteem and self-confidence. Only when parents are no longer arrogant can children stand up and look into the eyes of their parents, know how to seek help from their parents when encountering difficulties, and truly and bravely reflect their inner voices. Appropriately \”showing weakness\” and \”recognizing cowardice\” with children is a kind of wise parenting that \”uses retreat to advance\” and \”uses softness to overcome strength\”. Third, talk less and cook more. Looking back, I found that what impressed my son the most was that I silently made him love and food and no longer mentioned his studies too much. This also changed my son\’s \”stereotype\” of me, and he understood that my mother actually cares about his body and mood, not just his studies. If parents are always in front of their childrenNagging in front of the child, telling the child \”Mom is just for your own good\” and \”If I ask you now, I am responsible for you\” regardless of the day or night and regardless of the occasion. After listening for a long time, the children not only lose their patience, but also become suspicious because they cannot feel the real love: Saying so much is not an excuse or rhetoric for the parents. They want me to study hard, and it must be for their own face. Adolescent children value behaviors and attitudes more than their parents’ words. He is like holding a magnifying glass, keenly aware of and analyzing every move of his parents, trying to verify whether everything his parents do is consistent with what they said. Only parents use practical actions to tell their children again and again: No matter what you are, we love you, care about you, and accompany you. Only then can children trust their inner vulnerabilities and open their hearts to welcome their parents. Last month, my son trotted home excitedly with a 90-point test paper. I hadn\’t washed the dishes that day. While announcing the good news, he rolled up his sleeves and said, \”Mom, don\’t wash it. I\’ll do it. The method you said is really useful!\” In fact, I didn\’t really do anything. I just found a good position and stood again. Be around him, understand him, accept him, and respect him. As for his achievements and performance today, they were all beyond my expectation. However, here is the wonder of education: parents must be good at adapting to their children\’s ever-changing adolescence. From being strong to being submissive, from controlling to letting go, from being a steward to being a counselor, from being a decider to being a guide. Only then can the child\’s sensitive heart have a place to rest, and only then can he have a chance and space to breathe, truly learn to face the complex world alone, and maturely take control of his own life. I sincerely hope that every parent can make brave attempts and changes for the future of their children like me. The most responsible love is for parents to change themselves before changing their children. Click \”Like\” at the end of the article, let\’s encourage each other.