After reading the three key stages of a boy’s growth, I suddenly understood

It turns out that they suddenly became \”irritable\” and \”rebellious\”, not because they became bad, but because they grew up. 01 When the boy started to be disliked by the dog recently, Ogawa became more and more naughty. Jumping up and down, dancing with guns and sticks, and looking for someone to \”fight\” at every turn. We secretly discussed behind his back: \”Why are you not even seven or eight years old yet? The dog is disgusted.\” That day, Chuan\’s father was at home rushing to do some urgent work. This young master has been walking around his father. One moment he poked him from behind with the \”Eternal Sword\”, another moment he ran at a hundred meters speed and collided with him from the side, and the next moment he even climbed onto his father\’s shoulder. How to explain, just don\’t listen. Later, I persuaded him to go out to play. To be honest, we are not Buddhist parents, and our tempers are not that good. The tone in Dad Chuan\’s voice when he called me for help was filled with teeth-gnashing anger. If he gave me another second, he might explode on the spot. It’s just that we understand in our hearts that as a boy, Ogawa has begun to enter a new stage of growth. At this stage, he begins to try to become a man. He will show very different characteristics and require different attention and parenting methods from us. The division of labor between Dad Chuan and I will also change… When we understand these and face His \”emotions\”, \”disobedience\” and \”violence\” are no longer so entangled. These are normal growth characteristics. As long as we adopt the correct attitude and method to deal with them, the child\’s growth will not go astray. 02 The three key stages of a boy’s growth. Steve Biddulph, a well-known Australian family expert and best-selling author of parenting books, wrote in the book “Raising Boys” that no matter where in the world, a boy’s growth requires Go through these three key stages: The first stage: 0~6 years old, the tender years. At this age, boys belong to their mothers. He is her child. Although his father also plays a very important role, the boy still belongs to his mother. I remember that when Ogawa was little, he would hang on my body like a koala every day. He often consciously puts his own pillow on our big bed and throws his father\’s pillow on his own bed: \”Dad, I want to sleep with mom, you go to sleep in my bed!\” (It\’s just that dad is happy to see it. its result). The second stage: 6 to 14 years old, boys begin to feel the call of the inner world and begin to try to become a man. Although he still maintains a close relationship with his mother, he is becoming more and more attached to his father and like him, and is beginning to show the characteristics of a man. Ogawa is now entering this new stage. He is beginning to show different needs and needs from girls. Hobbies include imitating Ultraman, dancing with swords and guns, and fighting. One day, I was applying lipstick and deliberately teased him: \”Ogawa, do you want to try lipstick? He waved his hands with a look of disgust on his face: \”Hey… I don\’t want the things girls get!\” \”The third stage: 14 years old ~ adulthood, the boy has to complete the transformation from childishness to maturity. At this time, his parents no longer occupy a dominant position in his life; he will even try to get rid of the \”control\” of his parents and find The feeling of becoming an independent man. We often use \”rebellious\” to describe boys at this stage. Parents often say that they can\’t control their children and can\’t communicate at all., no matter what you say to him, he just won’t listen. At this time, the best thing for parents to do is not to try hard to control their children, but to choose good guides for their children to prevent them from looking for themselves in similarly ignorant and overwhelmed peers. 03 The focus of educating boys in their growth stages is very obvious. In these three stages of growth, boys’ demands, psychological maturity, self-awareness, etc. are very different. This requires us to adopt differentiated methods. Parenting styles, especially the division of labor among parents. The first stage is from 0 to 6 years old, the tender years. What boys need most is their mother’s unconditional love. At this stage, what boys need most is a close relationship with their parents, usually their mothers. Because under normal circumstances, the mother is the one who often accompanies him, feeding him and coaxing him to sleep. Compared with his father, his mother is relatively gentle. The same is true for girls, but often with some artificial differences. Some traditional concepts believe that boys should not be \”pampered\” and should be treated more harshly than girls, in order to cultivate real men. But in fact, boys and girls need to feel loved enough so that they can feel secure enough and have the courage to give love when they grow up. Of course, our love for our children is unconditional, but it does not mean that we can unconditionally accept any of his behaviors. In order not to raise \”bad kids\”, we must establish basic principles for our children and implement them gently and firmly. When Ogawa does something wrong or makes trouble unreasonably, I won\’t say to him something like \”If you keep doing this, mom won\’t like you\” (we heard this a lot when we were kids). Instead, tell him clearly, \”What you are doing is wrong and mom will not agree to it.\” Then no matter how much he cries, he will not change his mind or lose his temper with him. Slowly, he cried less and began to understand our principles and bottom lines, as well as our unchanging love for him. In the second stage, between the ages of 6 and 14, you begin to learn to be a man, and your father must support you. If we say that in the previous stage, the mother was the main person responsible for taking care of the boy and giving him love, and the father was just a helper. In the second critical stage, fathers must step forward, take on more and heavier responsibilities, and stop being \”invisible\”. At this stage, the boy begins to prefer being with his father (sometimes he feels that being with his mother is a bit boring), clinging to his father and imitating his father\’s various behaviors. The seeds of \”men\” in their hearts truly sprouted, calling them to try to become men. Steve Biddulph said that sometimes boys\’ \”annoying behavior\” (such as Ogawa always harassing his father at work) has only one purpose – to attract his father\’s attention. If the father is still indifferent at this time, or even \”invisible\” in the child\’s life, the child will lack the necessary role models to learn to become a man, and he will not know how to develop and improve himself to become a good man. Of course, this does not mean that the mother can distance herself from the boy. The child\’s mind is far from mature, and he still needs a gentle support that allows him to express vulnerability and pain. If you force a boy to be strong like a \”man\” too early, the likely result is not that he is really strong, but that he closes himself off.The door of the heart loses the ability to love and care for others. But the key to the problem is still dad, please spend more time with your son. Now, no matter how busy or tired Chuan\’s father is, I will deliberately leave Xiao Chuan to him to take care of, forcing him to play with him, sleep with him, and even take him to participate in our scientific research camp alone. The third stage, from 14 years old to adulthood, transforms into a man and chooses a leader for the boy. After about 14 years old, boys enter the developmental period, and the biggest physiological change is the surge in testosterone, which is almost 8 times the previous level. Psychologically, they are also very consistent in being argumentative, restless, and moody. We often say that this is the \”rebellion\” of adolescent boys. Physiologically, their bodies are urging them to grow up and quickly become a real man; but psychologically, they don\’t know what to do. They have begun to be dissatisfied with or even look down upon their parents, but they don\’t know how to surpass their parents. As a result, they often fall into chaos, wanting to pursue themselves but not being able to figure out where to go. Some children place their hopes on their equally ignorant companions, who will do whatever their classmates do. You may mistakenly think that bad behaviors such as playing games, smoking, drinking, etc. are necessary to become a boy. At this time, if parents \”cannot control\” their son, they must find a good guide for him. A person that children can admire and be willing to follow as a role model. Before, I discussed cooperation matters with an older sister (I was shocked by the musical enlightenment of children. It turns out that we have misunderstood what real musical enlightenment is for so many years. We will report back to you after we further finalize the content of the cooperation), listen She mentioned her son. She and her husband were doing everything they could in the shopping mall, but they were powerless with their son. Fortunately, she found a \”spiritual mentor\” for her child, a wise and far-sighted scholar. The children admire him, can listen to his \”preaching\”, and are willing to share with him the entanglements and confusions in growing up. Under his correct guidance, the child successfully passed adolescence and grew up very well. Having said all this, I actually want to tell you: If you find that your son is suddenly \”violent\” or suddenly \”rebellious\”, don\’t easily judge that he is \”disobedient\” or even \”bad\”. He may just have entered a new stage of growth. In the new stage, he has new needs, his mental state has changed, or he is a little confused and at a loss. At these times, it is even more important for us to provide them with care and upbringing that is tailored to local conditions to help them successfully pass through every stage of growth and eventually become a real man. It also requires the close cooperation of parents. Whoever should take the lead should do so without hesitation. Of course, those who need to take a back seat should do so simply.