American parent: “How can you stop a child from having a tantrum?”

\”How can you tell a child not to be angry?\” Last week I was nosy again. When I went to my cousin Maodou\’s house to play, the 5-year-old girl couldn\’t draw the desired effect. She threw the pen on the table angrily and held her head in her hands to compete with herself. Her mother said: \”Don\’t be angry! Calm down and think about what to do better.\” I disagreed and said, \”How can you tell an 8-year-old child not to be angry? She should be allowed to express her emotions!\” Then , the 500 words of family confrontation are omitted here. . . \”How can you tell your child not to cry?\” Maodou dad is a fighter in the workplace. He lives in a big city of steel and concrete, and has already trained his emotions well. Which person living in a big city is not like this? When he has problems or difficulties, his first reaction is not to release his emotions, but to think of solutions. PPT accidentally deleted? Can you please ask colleagues from the IT team to restore it? Emergencies? Use the list method and the exhaustive method to find the people who are most likely to help. He thought that his emotions had been trained to be invulnerable to all poisons, so he subconsciously used it on his child Maodou. Once, several children came to play at home, and the hand-painted painting that Maodou drew very seriously was torn by the children. Maodou cried sadly. His father squatted down and wanted to teach Maodou the solution: \”Don\’t cry. Dad will teach you the solution: you can draw another picture or paste the fragments together.\” After speaking, he looked at the child with confidence. He thought he was so capable. The result is that the baby looks confused at his father, and the dad looks at the baby in the same way. Maodou kept crying, and eventually it exceeded the limit of what he could bear, so he went to play with his mobile phone angrily. I said to him: \”How can you stop the child from crying?\” He said innocently: \”I have already provided him with a solution, what else can I do?\” I said: \”Be moved with emotion and understand with reason. , this is a good method in sequence. If you reverse it, it will have no effect.\” Don\’t let your child control his emotions, he can\’t. Let him vent it out in a reasonable way. When I was in the United States, I once took a ride from my landlord to a nearby fitness center and found that there were several child-sized sandbags there. I was surprised and said: What is this? Will children still come to punch sandbags? The landlady said calmly: Of course! Don’t children have emotions that they can’t release? Then let’s vent a lot, and you’ll feel good after venting! I said: \”But Chinese parents prefer their children to calm down on their own!\” The landlord said kindly: \”Chinese people are more restrained in their emotions, they are too face-conscious, and they don\’t want to let others know if they have negative emotions. Of course, the same goes for children. Reason.\” After living there for a long time, I discovered that in the outdoor public areas, there are also high swings, boxing sandbags and other heavy equipment for children to play. You can often see tall and tall adolescent children, venting violently for several times, or running for several laps. Perhaps this shows that compared to the Chinese who are unwilling to mention or admit \”negative emotions\”, Europeans and Americans are more willing to admit that children\’s emotions and desires are normal, and are more willing to find ways to solve it rather than cover it up! Why is it difficult for children to control their emotions? In recent years, brain research has found that subjective cognition, important decision-making and partialEmotions, which help humans focus, control impulses, formulate plans, and make decisions, are mainly responsible for this part of the brain: the prefrontal lobe. △The prefrontal lobe is here and the prefrontal lobe does not mature until around the age of 20. Before this part of the brain matures, if you insist on the child being as calm as a rock, the child can only say, \”I can\’t do that!\” Therefore, the correct method is: use reasonable and socially acceptable ways to let the child release his emotions. Lose. If it is a mild emotion: eat your favorite snacks, give your child a big hug, and wash your child’s face. Sometimes children\’s emotions are seriously high, and parents may take their children to experience more intense methods, such as: running for two laps, going to the park to swing high, digging sand pits, and beating sandbags… Of course, the premise is: parents first In addition to the unrealistic expectation that \”children can eliminate negative emotions on their own\” when accepting children\’s negative emotions, Chinese parents also like to do one thing in particular: be reasonable. Be tireless in reasoning. Reasoning over and over again. Let me give you an example that proves how miserable parents who are reasonable are: A child wants to go out to play, and the teacher is worried about his safety. He is held back by the teacher. The child cries aggrievedly, feeling that the teacher does not like him. The teacher who was trying to reason said, \”Why don\’t I like you? You are such a good boy.\” Boy: \”You just don\’t like me!\” The teacher said, \”Why don\’t I like you? I do it for you.\” For safety reasons.\” Boy: \”You just don\’t like me!\” I remembered the famous line from Qiong Yao\’s drama \”Love in the Rain\”: Man: Yes, you are ruthless, you are cruel, you are unreasonable! Woman: Then you are not heartless, cruel, or unreasonable! ? Man: How can I be heartless! ? How cruel! ? What an unreasonable thing! ? Woman: How can you not be heartless! ? Where is it not cruel! ? Nothing is unreasonable! ? Man: No matter how ruthless, cruel, or unreasonable I am, I will never be more ruthless, cruel, or unreasonable than you! Woman: I will be more ruthless than you! ? More cruel than you! ? More unreasonable than you! ? You are the most heartless, cruel, and unreasonable person I have ever seen. Well, you see it. If the child is still immersed in emotions and you try to persuade him by reasoning, you will get stuck in the quagmire of language. Even if you talk endlessly, it will have no effect. An experienced teacher only needs to say one sentence: \”You think I don\’t like you, so you are aggrieved, right?\” The student: \”Yeah. Woohoo.\” Then he starts crying, and after crying, it\’s fine. Many Chinese parents subconsciously assume that their children\’s understanding abilities are the same as their own, and they do not realize how poor their children\’s understanding abilities are. It’s time to face the reality: children’s cognition is very confusing. What you said about “hitting people makes you a bad boy” is as difficult to understand in their eyes as “E=mc^2”. To summarize, the steps to solve children’s emotions: Therefore, when children have emotions, they should follow these steps: Step 1: Accept the child’s negative emotions Step 2: Let the child vent them in a reasonable way Step 3: Finally The only way to teach children is remediation and prevention. When can we reason with children? Wait until the child\’s crying turns into sobs and a downpour of tears.When the tears stopped, it meant that his emotions had gradually calmed down. At this time, you should do what Chinese parents are best at: reasoning, proposing solutions, and what should be done next time. If a child\’s hard-earned painting is torn off: should you tape it up together? Do you want to redraw it? Painting with mom? Painting with your brother? After the supplement is started and the painting is done, let’s find a safe place to put the painting away. If your child’s favorite new dress is stained with ink: Should you take it off and wash it as soon as possible? How to wash it off? How should the desktop be arranged to avoid this problem in the future? Mistakes not to make: 1. If your child has emotions, don’t suppress them and don’t make too much noise. 2. Don’t reason with children because their cognitive abilities are very limited. 3. Don’t expect children to control their emotions like adults, because the prefrontal lobe of the brain only matures in the 20s. Wait patiently for a while and let them release it in a reasonable way. 4. The order of \”moving with emotion, understanding with reason\” was arranged by the ancients! Once the order is messed up, it will basically have no effect on the child! 5. Always remember to resolve your child’s emotions first, then resolve the problem!