Anxious parents lead to anxious children

Dad\’s dictation: At school, my daughter seemed to have lost her soul. Tingting\’s father, 37 years old, computer engineer. Some time ago, when I was picking up my daughter from school, I heard the head teacher tell me a strange thing: When the Chinese teacher was in class, he discovered that Tingting was not in the classroom. It turned out that she ran to the second grade classroom to listen to the class. At that time, everyone regarded this matter as an error, and the Chinese teacher did not pursue it. Who knows this is just the beginning, Tingting\’s behavior becomes more and more weird. The math teacher found her crying silently in class many times, thinking that she had encountered some difficulties, but Tingting said: \”I miss the kitten!\” Her mother wanted to take her out to relax and go to Universal Studios on Sunday, provided that it was Saturday. Finished homework. Tingting said that she had finished writing and had a good time with her mother. On Monday morning, the teacher said that the child did not write a word of his homework! Tingting\’s mother was furious and felt that her daughter was deliberately going against her. One day, Tingting came home and said that the girl at the back table united with all the children in the class to bully her, spit in her lunch, and forced her to eat her meal. I became anxious and asked her to provide the names of all the bullies and asked the school to investigate. But the results of the survey surprised me: All the children on the list denied bullying. I saw my daughter eating alone in the school surveillance video, and it was true that no one bullied her. However, there was no smile on her face, and she looked distracted. I can understand that everyone is unhappy sometimes, but this cannot be the reason for her to slander her classmates and deceive her parents! Trouble came one after another, and Tingting’s mother and I were overwhelmed. It wasn\’t until one morning when Tingting kept pretending to be asleep because she didn\’t want to go to school and refused to get up no matter how loud she screamed, that we realized: things were completely out of control! Child\’s dictation: Please, stop saying I have no pressure. Tingting, 11 years old, fifth grade of elementary school, I hate talking to my parents the most. Father Versailles and mother nagging are both unbearable. Parents are overly worried about what to do with their anxious children. These 6 family education documentaries can alleviate the problem. When doing homework, I like to look out the window, and my mother will say: \”What are you looking at if you don\’t look at the homework book? Is there an answer outside the window?\” I lower my head. When doing math, she would say again: \”Look at your current posture, no wonder you are nearsighted!\” I straightened my back and my back was sore, but my mother said: \”Don\’t just memorize the text, a good memory is not as good as a bad writing…\” At home , I will never be free. When school starts, my mother is more nervous than me! When I was taking online classes at home, she was afraid that I would not pay attention to the class and would monitor my every move all the time. I feel like my mother’s sight is like an X-ray, she can see through me! As soon as fifth grade started, the teacher asked us to do a paper, and it was a very difficult test on addition and subtraction of fractions. I was afraid that I might make a miscalculation and feel that the words on the slip of paper were jumping, so I hid in the second-grade classroom, hoping to do some simple tests. I asked my dad, \”I don\’t want to do fraction questions, so why do I do them?\” As a result, my dad started asking Versailles again: \”Why don\’t you like fractions? When I was a child, I was the first child in the class to learn fractions. Everyone else did it. I don’t understand, I’ll tell the other students one by one…\” I sighed, did he understand my troubles? I can\’t stand my parents always acting condescending. Am I really the only one so stupid?Will I feel so depressed that I can\’t breathe? Please stop saying \”what kind of pressure can a child have\”? I feel like a balloon about to explode! My parents didn\’t listen to me, so I just talked to myself. I often imagine that it would be great if I had a sister. She could accompany me and comfort me every day! As a result, it seems like there really is another me. But she is a bad child, she can lie to her parents, and she is often ignored and unhappy; she doesn\’t want to go to school and pretends not to hear what her parents say. who is she? I don\’t know either. Maybe, she is here to protect me! Analysis and Countermeasures School is one of the most familiar environments for children, and they are already familiar with the teacher\’s teaching model. Then why can other children go to school normally, but Tingting has a lot of deviant behaviors? In fact, Tingting\’s adjustment disorder is caused by multiple factors. At first, children usually only show discomfort in a certain aspect, such as being a little afraid of math fraction problems, so they use methods such as dilly-dallying and slipping to express that they are under pressure. If adults can read these signals and provide support in the right way, Tingting\’s stress will be relieved. Unfortunately, Tingting’s father missed the best opportunity to help his child. He believed that his successful experience could inspire his children to overcome difficulties, but in the end, it caused more pressure on them. In addition, parents often underestimate the impact of environmental changes on their children. Indeed, Tingting is already a fifth-grade student, but during this period she frequently switches between online and offline teaching, which poses a huge challenge to her adaptability and emotional regulation abilities. Parents should lower their requirements in a timely manner and encourage their children to slowly adapt to the rhythm at the beginning of school. However, Tingting\’s mother was more anxious than her daughter, hoping that her child would get into the mood as soon as school started. On the contrary, this will cause emotional pressure on the children beyond their studies, which is not worth the loss. Therefore, children\’s adaptation problems are often directly related to their parents\’ education methods. Indeed, some children are able to make a smooth transition at the beginning of school or during the important period before exams because they have a strong external support system or a sufficiently stable internal coping model. From Tingting\’s feedback, we can feel that the family support provided by her parents is not enough. She longed for her father to help solve her emotional troubles, but what she got was denial – he believed that children would not be stressed. This denial can lead to self-doubt in children. Tingting could only try to talk to herself and comfort herself. Because the child\’s cognitive development is immature and his ability to comfort himself is limited, he eventually fantasizes about the role of a \”sister\” and then treats the part he hates as something that another person does. This \”split\” is not terrible, it just reminds us that our child has encountered pressure that is beyond her ability to bear. If parents can slow down, listen to their child\’s needs, and help her resolve her inner confusion, she will become \”whole\” again. Tingting\’s parents can enhance their child\’s adaptability in two ways: recognizing the signs of adjustment problems in their child and learning to respond appropriately to her emotions. During a transitional period in a child’s life, if he or she feels weak or in pain, or his emotions become fragile or fluctuate, or his behavior even regresses, etc.Needs attention. If the situation does not improve for more than two weeks, and sometimes develops from a single situation to a complex situation, it is a further indication that the child needs parental support. In fact, a child\’s physical discomfort and behavioral problems are often manifestations of emotional stress, and parents need to respond to her emotions seriously. Tingting complains about having too much homework. Parents can try to empathize: \”You have been studying at school for 10 hours, and you still have to do homework when you get home. You really need to rest for a while before you can write!\” If the child is afraid of the teacher\’s questions, parents can put themselves in their shoes. : \”When you are worried in class, you always feel like you can\’t concentrate. The more you want to answer the questions well, the more worried you are about making a fool of yourself in front of your classmates…\” When a child encounters knowledge points that she doesn\’t like, parents can also listen to them to figure out what they hate. reason. Do you hate scores because you find it troublesome or because you have no ideas? Different causes have different solutions. Sometimes, children don\’t even need adults to help them figure out a solution, as long as their parents listen carefully to what they say and express understanding. Therefore, the attitude of parents\’ response is very important to their children. If we downplay the importance of these worries, our children will use more energy to prove that \”I am stressed out.\” Have a long-term perspective. Tingting\’s immediate adjustment problems can be temporarily alleviated through her parents\’ emotional support. However, how she views the difficulties she encounters in her study and life, and whether she can comfort herself, adjust her emotions, and face setbacks with a more positive attitude are equally important. To cultivate children\’s emotional regulation ability, we need to change the way children think about problems and form positive cognitions. Tingting always focuses on her own weaknesses, such as miscalculating scores. At this time, parents need to help their children expand their focus and see more of their own outstanding performances. It is recommended that parents pay attention to what their child does well and use these strengths to encourage her child when she feels frustrated. In this way, children will not generalize. At the same time, when Tingting wants to solve the problem immediately, her parents can also divert her attention to let her relax temporarily and relieve her anxiety. Usually, if parents face difficulties positively and optimistically, children will also believe that difficulties are only temporary; if parents always exaggerate difficulties, children will not be able to learn the correct way to deal with setbacks. Adaptation problems are often invisible, but clues can be found in school performance and parent-child interactions. When we see the essence of the problem, we will not be fooled by the appearance.