Are you educating your children or beating them up?

I believe everyone has heard a saying: Lucky people are healed by childhood throughout their lives, while unfortunate people are healed by childhood throughout their lives. But many people don’t understand why childhood is so important to children? What does a child need most in childhood? Why is a child’s childhood important? Some people say that childhood is a breeding ground for mental illness. Why do you say that? Numerous cases in psychological medicine show that many adult mental illnesses are caused by some kind of negative emotional experience in childhood. And it\’s often difficult to cure. For example, if a child is a left-behind child, he may be withdrawn and have social difficulties throughout his life. why? Our feelings as adults are based on prototypes of early feelings, and the minds of early children are very fragile. Whether they are happy or scared, they will be magnified countless times. Because they do not have a mature emotional adjustment mechanism like adults, they do not have to adjust when they are young, and they do not have any ability to protect themselves. They have to rely on adults for everything. Therefore, if a child\’s early experience is very bad and parents ignore it, it is likely to exceed their psychological burden and create a shadow. When you grow up and encounter similar situations, you will subconsciously evoke the \”emotional prototypes\” from your early experiences and make reactions and behaviors that others would not have. For example, why do the left-behind children we talked about earlier become withdrawn and afraid of social interaction? This is because they are not brought up by their parents themselves, so they can easily feel abandoned, disappointed in relationships, and become sensitive and have low self-esteem. In order to avoid being hurt by relationships again, they may close their hearts and not socialize in the future. When in an intimate relationship, early bad experiences can easily make them worry about gains and losses. They feel that no one really loves them, and these people will leave at any time. Such an experience, even if the child forgets it, still plays a role in the subconscious mind and has a profound negative impact on the child\’s future personality. People who have studied psychology will find that everyone\’s current personality is related to a particularly profound childhood experience. If this experience is positive, happy, and bright, then the child\’s outlook on life will also be positive, so they will be more likely to succeed. If this experience is negative, gloomy, and depressing, then the child\’s attitude towards things is likely to be evasive and depressed, and his life may be like a pool of stagnant water with no motivation for life. Psychologist Jung said: Your subconscious guides your life, and you call it destiny. The subconscious mind that determines the future destiny of a child is often caused by the parents. A few days ago, I started a \”war\” with my four-year-old daughter. That day she took her water bottle and asked her grandma to feed her. I told her to do her own thing. When she heard this, she felt a little \”cheating\” and insisted on being fed by her grandma. I gently took the bottle and told her again: \”You are very capable of taking care of yourself. Don\’t rely on others.\” She pursed her lips and said, \”I can\’t drink water myself. I can\’t hold it.\” After several rounds After that, I finally lost my patience and grabbed the water bottle and let her drink it by herself. At this time, she had tears in her eyes, stared at me and said \”no\”, and thenTake the water bottle away and put it in grandma\’s hand. Seeing how \”annoying\” she was, I snatched it away and told her to either stop drinking it or drink it herself. It was better now, she just lay down on the ground, beat the floor wildly, and started to cry loudly. I stood next to her and firmly told her that she had to drink it by herself. After tossing and turning for almost half an hour, she finally went to drink water by herself while sobbing, and then ignored me the whole night. In the next few days, she always quarreled with me. I asked her to hurry up, but it took her 10 minutes to wash her hands; I asked her to wear this dress, but she insisted on wearing that dress; I told her to eat more vegetables, but she Just eat meat… I thought I was \”firm and friendly\” at first, but then I thought about the whole process carefully, what on earth was I arguing about? Why is it that the more \”firm\” I am, the more \”angry\” my children are with me? The angrier you are, the less your child will listen to you. On the surface, this is me asking her to practice self-care. In essence, it is a power struggle. Both my child and I are controlled by winning or losing. When parents feel that their children are disobedient and working against them, they are actually not quarreling with their children, but engaging in a competition with their children. Parents want to gain control over their children through small things, thereby dispelling their own sense of powerlessness. Children have expectations for their own power, and they believe that their power is equal to that of their parents. Especially when parents treat their children with violence, they are actually sending a signal to their children: I have power, but you do not. When children feel frustrated, they will first try their best to fight. The way they fight is either by throwing tantrums and rolling around, or by resisting with cold violence. But children’s power is small after all, and the frustration after failure will trigger their anger, resentment, and feeling of not being loved. Judging from the child\’s behavior, we may think that the child is rebellious and deliberately goes against me. Interestingly, when we feel that our children are going against us, the children will also think, \”Why does my mother have to go against me?\” You think your child is rebellious, and your child thinks you are unsatisfactory. Are you educating your children or defeating them? We always think that it is understandable to let children admit their mistakes on matters of principle. However, after the war started, we have long forgotten the purpose of the quarrel and just want to win or lose. I saw a video online, in which a little girl had a heart-breaking argument with her mother. If you look at it from a third perspective, you will find out how much your parents care about their own rights. The mother asked the girl: \”Why do you have to close the door?\” The girl said: \”I want to be alone, so what?\” \”Did you do something right or wrong today?\” \”So what if it was wrong!\” \”If you are wrong, do you want to change it? ?\”… Then the mother trained the girl for a while, and the theme was \”Are you wrong?\” The girl cried and shouted: \”I know I was wrong, I just want to be quiet!\” At this time, the mother was still chasing the victory. , let my daughter write a review after she is quiet. The girl insisted not to write, and said \”yes, no, get up\” fiercely and word by word. Her mother did not ask further questions and told her to be quiet but not to close the door. The entire video lasted for five minutes. We don’t know what the girl did wrong. Maybe the mother and daughter themselves forgot what they were arguing about. Quarreling with childrenWhen we are young, we often fall into this \”trap\”: it seems that we are educating our children, but in fact we are forcing them to admit defeat. When we feel \”coerced\” by our children, we instinctively mobilize our defense mechanisms, and even our bodies begin to react strongly. Our bodies were shaking, our voices were getting louder, and our breathing was uneven. We were obviously in a showdown posture. We are controlled by our emotions. The more powerless we feel, the more we want to control our children and make them obey us. Children naturally use the same methods to upset their parents. Many times, they know that their parents love them, but they cannot feel the love. When children can only feel conditional love from their parents, they are likely to wall themselves off with rebellion and show their frustration with perverse behavior. Power struggles are inevitable and problems arise. Many parents will feel that they must set boundaries for their children on matters where they must stand firm. For example, when to sleep, when to do homework, what kind of people to make friends with… Yes, there is nothing wrong with setting rules, but once these issues fall into a power struggle, parents and children will \”go to war.\” There is a short story in \”Rebellion Is Not the Child\’s Fault\”. 12-year-old Yaya had to wear a pair of dirty jeans to school in the morning, but the pants were really dirty. Her mother suggested that she change to a clean pair. The more reasonable her mother is, the less she advises her to wear it. Yaya takes a tougher attitude and thinks her mother is too intrusive. After a 40-minute stalemate, Yaya raised her voice and said: \”You can\’t stop me!\” That day, Yaya put on the dirty jeans, but her mother was furious, feeling that her daughter was deliberately angry with her. We may have experienced situations like this. If the battle fails, we will feel that the consequences are unimaginable, and we may even begin to question the child\’s conduct and character. In fact, the problem is really not that serious, it is just that our own sense of loss of control controls our minds. Yaya\’s jeans incident happened again a month later. This time her mother did not get angry, but told her: \”You insist on wearing them, and I can\’t help it, but this will prevent others from noticing your attractiveness.\” \”Yeah.\” Yaya was stunned for a while, then went back to her room and sobbed silently. She told her mother that she felt ugly and fat, and she didn\’t look like that until she put on these pants. It turns out that what the mother thought was that the child was confronting her was actually because the child had something to say but did not say anything. Fighting is not inevitable. After Yaya put down her guard, neither her mother nor her wanted to confront each other, and only then did they have peaceful and effective communication. The same goes for things we feel are inevitable. As long as we don\’t fall into the trap and don\’t insist on arguing about right and wrong, our children will not fight against us. The child who confronts us does not want us to control him, but for us to understand him. Adults, don\’t act like children. The purpose of education is to support children, not against them. When you feel that your child is working against you, you might as well ask yourself three questions and give yourself three reminders. Ask yourself three questions: What am I afraid of if I give up control of my children? Why can’t I calm down when my child refutes? Are these little things really worth my perseverance? Give yourself three reminders: you are being attracted by power struggles, body tremors,A louder voice is a normal reaction. Do not get into a \”war situation\”. This problem won\’t bother you for long, and in three years it won\’t matter anymore. The more \”power\” you give up, the more love you can win from your children. Good family traditions and good family training stories make good children a 100-day plan for parent-child interaction pdf. Children are trustworthy. Those moments when they are \”disobedient\” may have their own little ideas. When we feel that our children are going against us, we might as well think about it, why do we have to go against our children?