Are you still praising your child for being smart? That would be a big mistake!

A few days ago, I happened to meet a friend who was teaching English to her three-year-old daughter. A friend took out a picture of watermelon from a pile of cards and asked her daughter: \”How do you say watermelon in English?\” The little girl responded obediently: \”watermelon!\” I was still lamenting the hard work of today\’s children, but my friend already praised: \”The baby is so smart!\” The little girl also smiled. The friend took out another picture of a mosquito and asked: \”How do you say this in English?\” The little girl couldn\’t answer for a while, and the friend continued to encourage her: \”Think about it again, you are so smart, you can definitely answer it. Come out!\” The little girl frowned at this moment, and her expression was a little anxious. She obviously wanted to tell the answer and get praise from her mother. Finally, with the prompting of her friend, the little girl finally answered correctly. This time, my friend even more excitedly picked up her daughter, kissed her, and praised, \”My daughter is so smart!\” I could clearly see that the tension on the little girl\’s face completely dissipated, and she smiled again. meaning. After the little girl left, my friend showed off to me and said, \”How was it? My daughter is smart, isn\’t she?!\” I seriously suggested to my friend: \”You\’d better not praise her for being smart.\” \”Why?\” My friend was very puzzled. \”You will hurt her!\” \”Why?\” I thought of my own experience. Before I was admitted to a key high school, I was always called \”smart\” by my parents, teachers and even my peers. Many people I met liked me very much, and my student career was simply high-spirited. I take it for granted that all these smooth sailings are brought to me by intelligence. Although I have worked hard, being smart should be more important. Otherwise, why are other students working hard but not as good as me? I believe that I do have certain talents, and it is the talents that come with intelligence that enable me to succeed. However, the higher the praise, the harder the fall. After entering high school, I was gradually crushed in all aspects. After I entered the school, I learned that my high school entrance examination score was only the minimum admission score for this key high school. With my current level, I was not even qualified to compete for the Rocket Class. After a semester of study, I found that I was still incomparable to everyone else. Obviously, the saying \”There is a world outside the sky and there are people outside the world\” cannot comfort me very well. Because I have long been accustomed to being a smart person, but suddenly I found myself standing out from the crowd. This kind of recognition was too cruel for me as a young person. On a warm morning, I stared at another dismal score on the test paper, and then looked at the bright faces of my peers in the classroom. For the first time, I felt a little unbearable. For the first time, I felt deeply ashamed of myself: It turns out that I am not smart at all, it turns out that I am just an ordinary person with average talent. This really makes me despair. I also thought that my parents, teachers, and classmates would soon know that I was a fool. How would I face them? I came to this school with many hopes. My relatives and friends who once approved of me, will they still approve of me and like me? More importantly, I have achieved everything in the past by virtue of my self-righteous intelligence, but if I am really not smart, what will I do in the future? I can no longer achieve the dazzling results that are praised by others!I can never have a bright future! See, this is the collapse of the world felt by a man who thought he was \”smart\” but had his illusion shattered. Maybe you will say, if we are not smart, then we should turn to hard work. After all, the stupid bird will fly first. But unfortunately, from the perspective of a person who firmly believes that he is smart and has always enjoyed the benefits of being smart, hard work is not a sufficient condition for success. Even working hard may be shameful, because it just shows that you are not capable of success. Have talent. After all, we have always admired talent, and we have vigorously praised and even worshiped geniuses who came out of nowhere, but we have less respect for talents who have been refined into steel. How weird, even talents are given priority when passed down to the next generation. This also makes me believe that there is an insurmountable barrier between intelligence and mediocrity, and the effect of hard work is far less than the effect of intelligence. When I fell into disgust and hatred for myself, I was lucky enough to meet my deskmate at the time. This deskmate\’s grades were at the middle level in the class, and had nothing to do with being smart. Whenever I complained about my stupidity because of poor grades, he always comforted me and said, \”Just try hard. There are always limits to being smart, but there is no limit to hard work.\” I was very surprised by what he said. Rhetoric. He told me that his mother was a teacher, and these words were taught to him by his mother since he was a child. Since his deskmate was not really smart, his parents never praised him for being smart, but only encouraged him to work hard. And since he has long known that he is not smart, he will not have the burden of being a smart person, but will work hard to get what he wants. \”I\’ve known for a long time that nothing I want will be easy, so I have to pay a lot,\” he said. Only then did I realize that his and my thinking patterns were completely different. In my opinion, a person\’s intelligence or IQ is fixed, and these will directly determine whether a person can succeed. But in the eyes of my classmates, being smart is just a nice excuse. It can cover up shame if you have it, but if you don’t have it, you will have to work harder. He can only let himself believe that a person\’s effort will determine his world. This classmate later went to a second-tier school, and he was still not that talented, but I knew that he would never lose himself in any environment. Sure enough, after graduating with a master\’s degree, he became a teacher of Chinese as a foreign language, and his life was no worse than that of so-called smart people, and he even lived a more understanding life. Seeing this, have you discovered the meaning behind \”smart\”? The word \”smart\” is magical, with the flavor of talent and destiny, as if it means that everything is innate, and that you can easily get everything without working hard. These two words, like a compliment, are actually a very heavy burden. When you casually boast that your child is smart, the child will certainly not doubt it, so he will believe that he is a smart person. At this time, smart is not just an adjective, it has become a commendation, highlighting the specialness of the child. When a child is labeled with this label, he will feel complacent in his heart. Gradually, he will also identify with this label and believe that he is different from other people with average qualifications. This label is glorious, and he will definitely work hard to maintain his label. So how to maintain it? youYou know, when you say a child is smart, it also means that he can complete many difficult tasks with ease. He believed so too. But when he realizes that the challenges he faces are too great, his understanding will be questioned. What will he do at this time? First, he may shy away from challenges and pathways to his upward leap. After all, when he is promoted to a position that does not belong to him, he can easily become arrogant, arrogant or even complacent, and his tolerance for failure is almost reduced to zero. Because his failure was not just a simple act, but also the tearing down of a smart label. My friend\’s daughter was very nervous when she couldn\’t answer \”mosquito\” in English because she was afraid that she would not be smart enough. If this phenomenon continues, the little girl is likely to lose her enthusiasm for learning English later on. Even though the child is young, he also knows how to maintain his authority label and how to try his best to hide his stupidity and incompetence. At this time, he will inevitably give up the challenge and give up the opportunity to train himself for growth. Second, he will completely doubt himself, then give up his efforts and himself. The knowledge that parents bring to their children makes them believe that intelligence is the most important prerequisite for success or excellence. After a friend\’s daughter gets used to being praised for being \”smart\”, she will become accustomed to relying on her intelligence to do things. Once her intelligence is challenged, she loses the only weapon she is proud of. How will she fight against the cruel reality then? Once a child discovers that he is not smart at all, he will conclude that he has lost the key to excellence and success. From the child\’s point of view, there is no possibility for him to resist or change the future. In both senses, being smart is not a good way to encourage children. When a child discovers that he cannot get what he wants by relying on his intelligence, the world he believes in and builds will be reshaped. Do you have any confidence that he will find a real way to rebuild amidst the rubble? If you\’re not sure, being smart is never a good reason to reward your child.