Are you still praising your children by saying \”you are awesome\”? Inappropriate praise causes children to lose self-confidence

Is praise a destruction or an achievement for a child? Without a doubt, most people, including myself, would probably answer “achievement.” There is a saying that \”all good children are praised.\” Indeed, compared to criticism and punishment, positive words of praise and praise can achieve a better success for a child. In this case, can we become a good child as long as we learn to say: You are so good, you are great, you are amazing…? If the answer is yes, first of all, it is parents and teachers who have mastered a master key, making education so easy. However, every parent knows very well that education is not only not easy, but also very difficult. In order to enhance their children\’s self-confidence, parents spare no effort to praise and praise. As a result, the children not only fail to become confident, but become more and more timid in doing things, or do not restrain their inappropriate behavior. Why? Is it wrong to praise? No, there is nothing wrong with praise. It\’s just that the way of praise is different, the effect is very different. The famous American child psychologist Haim G. Ginot said: In psychotherapy, you will never say to a child, \”You are a good boy,\” \”You are doing great,\” or \”Keep up the good work.\” Because psychiatrists know better than anyone that this kind of evaluative praise is useless. Not only useless, but harmful. Evaluative praise can cause anxiety, encourage children\’s dependence, arouse children\’s defensive psychology, and is not conducive to cultivating children\’s ability to be independent, self-confident, self-directed and self-controlled. Evaluative praise breaks the child\’s inner peace. The original \”I want to be good\” turns into \”I want others to say I am good.\” Others will be the source of approval he seeks. He will rely on others to satisfy his desires and establish his worth. This is why some children who are \”strong and outstanding\” in the eyes of teachers and parents will evaluate themselves as \”frail and mediocre\” when they become adults – no one can live in the praise and applause of others forever. Since this kind of praise is useless, why do people still seek it? Haim G. Ginott gave an example: If drugs are harmful, why do people still desire it? The answer to both questions is the same: Praise, like drugs, may make a child feel good—at the time. However, it creates dependencies. If things go on like this, it will destroy your sense of self-worth. Criticism doesn\’t work, praise doesn\’t work, and saying nothing doesn\’t seem to work either. What do you want me to do? Before you lose patience as a parent, first look back at your own upbringing. Is there any compliment that left the deepest impression on you and had the longest lasting impact on you? Although adults are as different from each other as humans are from gorillas, the differences in feelings from child to child are minimal. Growing up, I heard a lot of praise and criticism. Words of praise include: smart, studious, enthusiastic, easy-going, etc. Criticisms include: clumsy, pessimistic, passive, impatient, etc. These labels, according to public standards, are both good and bad. However, as a teenager, I had a much lower opinion of myself than I received from my teachers, parents, and classmates—all the criticism I felt was well-deserved, and all the praise I felt was deserved.I feel like it\’s an exaggeration. Yes, criticism makes me feel inferior, and praise makes me lose self-confidence. And how eager I am to become a confident person, and how eager I am to have my child become a confident child! However, how can an unconfident mother (father) and a person who does not know how to encourage and praise cultivate a confident child? Many years ago, when I joined a new unit, I taught medical and nursing knowledge to lay colleagues. In order to avoid becoming a formality, I revised the PPT again and again, with only one purpose: how to explain obscure medical terms in easy-to-understand language. Even though there were only about ten people, I could feel my dedication and seriousness. After the course, everyone expressed their gratitude as a routine. A new colleague came to me and said: You are so thoughtful in explaining your professional knowledge in such an easy-to-understand way. Thank you! A word of \”take your mind\” came into my heart. Although she left her job not long after we worked together, the word \”careless\” always made me \”careful\” when I was doing things. At the same time, I also learned to \”carefully\” praise others for their efforts and help. . Yes, this is the power of grateful praise. And words such as \”You are smart\”, \”You are very enthusiastic\” and \”You are eager to learn\” did not bring me much support and encouragement. Instead, they made me fall into a deep depression when I could not be \”smart, enthusiastic and eager to learn\”. Inferiority and confusion. As Dr. Haim G. Ginot said: Evaluative praise is destructive. Appreciative (descriptive) praise is helpful. Everyone will eventually go to the road of \”self-evaluation\” and accept their imperfect selves. Only by taking off the labels on ourselves and realizing that as ordinary people, we sometimes do this and sometimes do that, can we not live in the \”evaluation of others\”. A child craves praise like an organism craves water. Although boiled water is bland and tasteless, it is the basic source of energy for all physiological functions of the human body. Although sugary drinks are sweet and tasty, drinking too much is not good for the body. Descriptive praise is like plain water, it does not carry strong emotional color, but it can inject energy into the child. Evaluative praise, on the other hand, is like a sugary drink that has a strong taste but does not provide any energy to the child. Evaluative praise is an overall and general praise of a child\’s character and conduct. For example: You are great! you are excellent! You are a smart boy! You are an honest child! Descriptive praise is specific and sincere praise for a child\’s efforts and performance, expressing one\’s own feelings and acknowledging the child\’s feelings. For example: I see that you spend thirty minutes more on English reading every day, and your English scores have also made a big breakthrough compared to last semester. I am very pleased to see your progress. You tidied up the sofa and coffee table, making this home look much tidier. Thank you for your love for this home. I saw that your paintings used many colors, including red, green, yellow and purple. The painting is colorful, I like it. And you don\’t seem satisfied. Do you think you can draw more satisfactorily? The most important principle of praise is: describe without evaluating, tell the facts without judging. Leave the evaluation to the children themselves.