Are you worried when your child reaches adolescence?

It\’s not that the children have changed, it\’s that the parents haven\’t grown up yet. When it comes to adolescence, most parents are confused and irritable. When you say something, he says something else; when you say study hard, he hides and plays games; when you don’t come out of the room during meals, no matter how many times you yell, he either turns a deaf ear or gets angry; when his parents ask him, he doesn’t just reply. \”Whatever, it\’s up to you\” means \”it\’s annoying to death\”… In fact, self-awareness becomes stronger and stronger, and you prove that you have grown up by saying \”no\” to your parents, and start to think and make decisions independently. This is the original nature of adolescence. look. If parents use their own chopsticks to pick up food for their adolescent children, they will dislike it and even resist. Because this action means \”you must eat according to what I assign to you, so as to be healthy\”, which is a deformation of breastfeeding, the child will of course say \”no\”. But the parents thought that the child had changed and suddenly rebelled. I think the word \”rebellion\” is a bit of a moral kidnapping. In a biological sense, a child\’s rebellion is equivalent to an animal leaving the nest. Adolescent children cannot leave the nest physically, but can only leave the nest psychologically. At this time, it is normal for children to resist or even \”belittle\” and \”look down on\” their parents. But parents will feel lost, as if overnight, they no longer have any value or significance to their children. This is actually a sign that parents have not grown up with their children. Parents do not realize that as their children grow up, they also need to change their identities and roles. Although many people are married and have children, they still have a child that has not grown up in their hearts. In ancient times, people got married and had children at the age of 16, but now many people have not cut off from their parents financially by the time they are 30 years old, let alone psychologically independent. If a child happens to be in puberty when his parents are behind in puberty, then both parties are \”children\” who have not grown up, and conflicts are inevitable. Parents\’ failure to grow is related to their family education. The previous generation used \”You are my child no matter how old you are\” to control their parents. When adolescent children show rebellious behavior, their parents think that I still obey your grandparents. Why are you such a rebellious little brat? The reason for this reaction is that parents are not prepared for the changes in their children, especially the arrival of puberty. Parents still feed their children as \”babies\” to reflect their own sense of importance and need. The problem arises. Psychology often says that \”adolescence is the second birth of life\”, but many people don\’t realize it. For example, many visitors often ask me questions like this: \”Teacher, why are my children different from before?\” \”He Why do you suddenly feel like you don\’t know me anymore?\” This is a question knowingly, because puberty changes a lot. Immature parents are unwilling to accept change. Because change means losing control, this life must be separated from your own life, and you must draw a clear line with yourself. This is simply unacceptable to parents who are deeply influenced by traditional culture. If their children become unfamiliar, it is equivalent to rebellion. Establish a sense of boundaries and start weaning from adolescence. No parent does not want their children to grow up, but many parents will have an additional condition: their children\’s education, employment and even marriage must be controlled by themselves and made by themselves. This kind of interference and manipulation can cause serious frustration in adolescent children.This leads to a sense of meaninglessness and unfulfillment in life. Whether from a sociological or psychological perspective, adolescence is the final period of differentiation – children begin to prepare for adulthood, which also means that children\’s minds, boundaries, responsibilities, cognitions and self-awareness will undergo earth-shaking changes. Change. I use \”earth-shaking\”, which may not be understood by many people. Because they still regard adolescence as a natural transition from infancy to this age group, and do not use this as a dividing line to separate him. But we really need to completely re-view the adolescent child and tell ourselves: He is a different person, not the child before! Biologically speaking, when all animals reach adolescence, it is the time to stay away from blood relatives, otherwise there will be inbreeding. Many people describe the growth and distance of adolescence as tragic and tragic. In fact, as a parent, you should first congratulate your child on the arrival of puberty together with your child. This is the true respect for life. After congratulations, say goodbye to the \”child\” of the past and the \”child\” of parental psychology. There is a Japanese movie called \”The Story of the Fox\”. A mother fox gave birth to five cute little foxes. The little ones grew up under the careful care of their parents. One morning in early autumn, the father and mother fox led the little fox deep into the grassland as usual. While they were looking around curiously and excitedly, the father and mother fox quickly turned back towards the road home, so fast that the little guys couldn\’t catch up. As night fell, the little foxes finally found their home, but their mother blocked the door and bit them one by one. From then on, their parents did not allow them to come back and let them go through the wind and rain alone. After the little foxes went out, some were hunted, some were eaten, and some survived strong. This is the \”law of the forest\” and a life they have to experience. Sometimes humans really need to learn from animals and make their relationships a little simpler. Parents must be cruel when dealing with adolescent children. Even if you turn around and wipe your tears, you still have to push him out. All love is for reunion, but the love between parents and children is for separation. In fact, if you think about it carefully, what kind of life is not like this? The independence of a life means that he must take this step. Many parents say that they understand this truth, but when it comes to pushing it forward, it is difficult, worrying, reluctant, and sad. But not being ruthless may lead to many adverse consequences, so parents must be ruthless like foxes. The \”ruthlessness\” mentioned here is more of a cognitive level. Staying at the emotional level, facing any kind of separation, our hearts will hurt, especially as parents. But from a cognitive level, we must understand: What did this life come to this world for? The answer is obvious: to be himself. To become oneself, one is destined to experience pain and suffering. Many parents will say: \”I don\’t want my child to suffer, and I don\’t want him to make the same mistakes I made.\” But this is just a good wish, because humans cannot grow up without experiencing pain and mistakes. If he does not suffer the pain of adolescent conflict and separation, he is bound to experience other pains. The growth process of children is the process of constantly establishing physical and psychological boundaries with their parents. Only safely separated,Only in this way can we find our independent self. The earlier the boundaries are established, the smoother we can go through adolescence. In this process, parents and children will grow up. Don\’t be afraid of your child\’s pain, this is inevitable for growth. So, how should parents grow up and get along with their adolescent children? First, we must make it clear cognitively: a child is born into this world to fulfill his mission, and must experience pain and suffering during this process, otherwise he will not be able to become himself. Every mother will remember the squeezing, pain, and suffocation when the child comes out of the birth canal. In fact, it is not only the mother who is in pain, but also the child. Everyone faces growing pains at different stages. Don\’t be afraid of your child being in pain or suffering. This is his mission. A life without pain is an incomplete life. Second, be respectful. Respect your child as a friend, in other words treat him as an \”outsider\”. When a child is young, parents need to take care of him and give him care. When he reaches adolescence, you have to negotiate with him: \”What do you think about this?\” instead of the usual: \”I tell you, you must do this!\” Here, \”respect\” means belief, and \”heavy\” means importance. Third, give space, including both physical and psychological aspects. Children have their own privacy and living space, do not pry. People don’t want to tell you, they just don’t want to tell you, because having secrets is a sign of a person’s growth. For example, a mother asks her son if there is any girl in the class who likes him or if he likes anyone? Even if it\’s just a joke, don\’t feel bad if people don\’t tell you. Don’t impose your will on your children, and allow them to think differently from you and do things that are inconsistent with you. This is what parents with adolescent children should be like. Fourth, dare to admit that your children are better than yourself. Nowadays, many schools and families conduct adult ceremonies for their children, which is very necessary. But the coming-of-age ceremony is not just as simple as announcing that a child has grown up. Psychologically speaking, turning 18 means defeating one\’s parents. Only by \”defeating\” one\’s parents can a person truly become an adult. Because parents are the first \”mountain\” in children\’s hearts; they were once god-like existences, and \”defeating or surpassing\” parents is success in a psychological sense. He must feel that he is not lagging behind his parents in terms of physical, psychological and intellectual aspects, and may even be better than his parents in some aspects. As a parent, you have to admit this. In fact, parents can cooperate and help their children to gain an adult sense of accomplishment and growth, which can begin when they enter adolescence. Why do adolescent children like to talk back and argue with their parents? In fact, he is practicing with you, training your critical thinking ability, logical reasoning ability, expression ability and attack power. Immature parents will be very angry at this time, thinking how can their children do this to me. In fact, you are overthinking it. The child is just practicing with you, so you can practice with him. Isn\’t your purpose to let him grow up? What does it mean to grow up? It\’s not that he is taller than you, but that he has become truly independent and strong in his heart. Where does strength come from? You must defeat something (the strong one). Therefore, parents should not be glassy, ​​but should dare to show weakness and dare to say to their children \”Maybe I’m really not as good as you”, and even dared to rely on him.