Are your children having endless problems? One word to save anxious parents

During the Dragon Boat Festival holiday, several families went on a self-driving trip together. The three children sat in our car and ate, drank and had fun. The initial novelty wore off and before the journey was even halfway through, we began to feel a little bored. The three children asked for a while: It\’s so boring. When will it arrive? Seeing that the boring atmosphere was getting thicker and thicker, I quickly tried to find a way to curb it: \”From now on, you are not allowed to say it is boring. Whoever says it is boring will be responsible for thinking of a game to play.\” As soon as I finished speaking, a child said loudly: \”Okay. It’s boring!” Another child followed up and said, “It’s so boring!” As the devil is stronger than the Taoist, I issued a more “severe” restriction: “From now on, no one is allowed to say that it’s boring, boring, or boring.” , and synonyms of all these words.\” Unexpectedly, as soon as he finished speaking, a child said loudly: \”无 (wu 4 tones) Liao (liao 4 tones)! I am a good material!\” The three children laughed loudly. I couldn\’t help but laugh, these elves and ghosts. Afterwards, I thought it was quite interesting. It vividly explains what \”a hundred blocks are not as good as one sparse block\”. At that time, Dayu\’s father tried to control the floods by blocking them, but ultimately failed. Dayu took advantage of the situation and adopted diversion methods based on the topography and landforms, and finally eliminated the flood. Everyone knows this story, but in life, when most people encounter problems, the first thing they think of is \”blockage\”. No cell phones allowed. No chasing and fighting allowed. Don\’t lie. Don\’t do this, don\’t do that… Countless \”don\’ts\” are like dams, trying to intercept the child\’s behavior and will. If words don\’t work, then fight. If beating once doesn\’t work, beat him every day, including beating and scolding. Does it work? Like whack-a-mole, problems keep popping up one after another. As a person, a child, like an adult, has strong free will. If he wants to do something, he must have his own motivation. Behind motivation are emotions and emotions. Emotions have energy, and they support the motivation to do this in order to be cathartic and released. Blocking alone can only \”block\” his surface behavior at best. Energy cannot be blocked, just like a flattened spring. The more suppressed, the greater the potential energy. You must wait for an opportunity to rebound from a weak point. Just like I don\’t let children say \”boring\”, they end up thinking of synonyms for boring. If I prohibit it again, the changed pronunciation of \”boring\” appears again. If a child lies, give him a good beating. Next time, a more elaborate lie may appear. Not allowed to play with computers, how many children skip classes and go to Internet cafes, crack passwords, and find ways to play. There will always be loopholes if you ignore one thing and miss the other. You can\’t plug it by just plugging it. Blocking means confrontation, which means I am right and you are wrong, which will inevitably aggravate the other party\’s resistance. In the past two years, I studied psychology and came up with the concept of \”sense of boundaries\”. I realized that many problems stem from this. Looking back at myself, I feel that my mother has done too much for me since I was a child, or in other words, Too much control. Once I realized it, I started to change it. I was just in time to go home for the Chinese New Year. During those few days, whenever my mother wanted to interfere with my affairs, I would tell her: Stop, this is my business. I can make the decision myself, and you should leave it alone. I\’ve been signaling like this for a few days, MomMy mother couldn\’t help but burst out: \”Nothing I do is right! I don\’t care!\” I suddenly realized that I didn\’t let my mother interfere too much because I wanted to \”block\” her behavior. The greater the blockage, the greater the potential energy of the water, eventually destroying the dam and causing flooding. From my mother\’s point of view, intellectually, she may realize that what I said makes sense, but I repeatedly stopped her and refused to let her control me. What she felt emotionally was rejection and opposition, and the energy in her heart The children accumulated more and more, and finally exploded. To explode means to lose control. The result is that you hurt others and yourself. When encountering a problem, why is the first thing that comes to mind is to \”block\” it? Blocking is a kind of rejection, blocking the problem back. If you can\’t see the problem, you think it is solved. Blocking is the simplest and most trouble-free, no need to use your brain, just rely on brute force. The question is, if a child can block it when he is young, when he grows up and becomes stronger, can you still block it? Sometimes, blocking seems to work. It is simple and effective. But if it is blocked, it becomes a pool of stagnant water. Children\’s free will is suppressed. Even when they are thirty or forty years old, they don\’t know what they want to do, they lose their eager yearning for life, they are confused, and they can\’t help but feel anxious. Are there many such \”hollow diseases\”? Blocking is not a good idea. The power within a person\’s heart is like a surging river, with powerful potential. Good governance will benefit one party. If it is not managed well, it will become a disaster and spread to all directions. Dayu relied on channeling to control floods, and the same is true for us to control our minds. Through behavior, we can see the motivation behind the behavior, and then see the inner emotional needs. By directing emotions in a positive direction, the destructive power of previous behaviors will naturally be weakened. Of course, this requires wisdom, awareness, and patience, which is much more troublesome than blindly \”blocking\”. However, isn’t that what happens in the world? It seems like a lot of trouble, but actually it saves effort; it seems like a shortcut is taken, but in fact it is more troublesome. Some time ago, Chengzi added a new catchphrase: \”Nonsense.\” If others disagreed with him, he would always say: \”Nonsense.\” I told him several times that it was very rude and I shouldn\’t say it again. He retorted: \”It\’s not a curse word.\” One time, while chatting at the dinner table, Chengzi\’s father said something, and Chengzi opened his mouth and said, \”Nonsense.\” Chengzi\’s father didn\’t stop him as usual, and thought for a while and said, \”You Don’t you think what I said is right? Then let’s think about it and see if we can come up with ten sentences that can express similar meanings.” Orange found it quite interesting, so the three of us competed to see who could come up with more, such as: I don\’t agree with what you said. You\’re wrong to say that. I think you are wrong. …until no one could figure it out, Orange Dad said: Look, we can express this meaning in so many ways, aren\’t they better than \”nonsense\”? Chengzi said nothing and nodded. Later, Chengzi said \”nonsense\” significantly less often. Going back to the beginning of the story, the three children no longer complained about boredom. They found new fun and held a walkie-talkie to conduct quizzes with their uncle who was traveling with them. Mathematics, history, brain teasers, all kinds of questions, rushing to ask, rushing to answer, playing all the way, still not finished. No one calls me boring anymore. Get along with mom,I saw that behind my mother\’s excessive control, she cared about me and wanted to tell me what she thought would be better for me. Then I will calmly tell you what I think and why I don’t do that. Mom understood and naturally said no more. When a person wants to do something, no matter whether it is right or wrong in the eyes of others, there must be a reason that he thinks is legitimate. The difference between blockage and sparing lies in whether one targets behavior and the other targets motivation, whether it treats the symptoms or the root cause. Of course, \”blocking\” is not without merit. Sometimes, parents still need to show their authority and tell their children that some rules cannot be violated and some things cannot be done. No rules, no standards. But there are many times when blocking alone won’t work. If you don’t believe it, take a look at the signboards in public places: no spitting, no littering, no running of red lights… How effective are the big and small bans? People either turn a blind eye or find ways to take advantage of the situation. People have the same mind and the same principle. Adults and children alike. A hundred blocks are not as good as a sparse one. What can really solve the problem is to ease people\’s hearts. It’s heart to heart, not force to force. So, when you can\’t help but shout \”Don\’t do this, don\’t do that\” to your children, you might as well remind yourself to recite Dayu\’s secret to controlling floods several times in your heart.