As a parent, do you want your children to be afraid of me?

I took Ningning around the community and passed by the property management center. Before I had time to react, the girl ran straight into the door where someone else worked. A deep male voice came from the room: \”Children, you are not allowed to come in here!\” I quickly wanted to run to pull Ningning out, but she jumped into my arms and whispered: \”Mom, I\’m afraid .\” She must have been frightened by this strange person, so I picked her up and said, \”Oh, Ning Ning is a little scared, let\’s go quickly.\” When I got home, I chatted with my aunt about it, and she laughed loudly. Laughing: \”Xiao Li, look, it\’s easy for a child to be scared. I didn\’t let her in before, but she insisted on going in. But one word from the security guard is worth ten words from me.\” I was a little surprised. It turned out that Ning Ning Ning Ning wanted to go into the property management center more than once, so she asked her aunt: \”Then why does Ning Ning want to go in?\” The aunt was stunned for a moment, and seemed to scratch her head a little embarrassed: \”I don\’t know, why do children talk so much? .\” I smiled and stopped talking. This is not the first time that my aunt told me that children must have someone to be afraid of. My mother\’s views coincide with hers. She feels that Pai\’s father and I are too gentle with our children. The children are not afraid of us, and one day we will not be able to control them. I remember when I used to work at a newspaper office, I would listen to my male colleagues talk about their educational philosophies. A father said that if I yell at my naughty son when I get home, he won\’t even dare to breathe. As he spoke, he felt proud that he had the majesty of his father. If time goes by, I would like to ask that father, how is your son\’s relationship with you? It was quite simple to make Ningning afraid of me. I walked Ningning through the neighborhood again and passed by the Property Management Center. Ning Ning was smart this time. She poked her head at the door first and heard an aunt\’s voice: \”Kid, what\’s the matter?\” She paused for a second and walked in. I was looking at the door, trying to figure out what Ning Ning was going to do, but I saw her pointing to the corner of the room and saying to me, \”Mom, Meow Meow is here.\” The truth finally came out, it turned out that she wanted to see the cat. I walked in and knelt down and said to her: \”This cat is very cute, but if Auntie is reading and writing here, we will disturb her. How about we go to the slide to see the cats? There seem to be more cats there.\” Ning Ning nodded and walked out of the office obediently with me. Then the second half of my mission became \”jumping up and down looking for cats with dazzling eyes\”. I was so tired that I felt like I was playing a game of fighting cat monsters. If my mother were around, she might have said, \”Why are you making it so troublesome? If you just yelled, \’Don\’t go in,\’ nothing would happen.\” She wouldn\’t have thought of what the stranger did last time. Intimidation only stopped Ning Ning\’s behavior once. Once he was gone, unresolved problems would still occur. If it were my mother\’s intimidation, it would certainly be several times more effective than a stranger. Because I am her caregiver and it is related to her survival in this world, I naturally have a sense of authority. But this doesn\’t mean that I can abuse my authority and yell at her at will. In fact, it is quite simple to make Ning Ning fear me. If you tell her the truth in everything, don\’t give her a good face, yell at her a few times, be tough a few times, or even hit her a few times, the 2-year-old girl must be afraid and dare notMake a mistake in front of me. But she only gave in because of her fear of me. Whatever I said was whatever she said. It was difficult for her to understand the rules and internalize the willingness to follow them actively because of this fear. Under the shroud of huge fear, children cannot establish an independent and healthy personality. In order to survive, children sometimes have to surrender. How long will you surrender? Surrender to the point where she can finally live on her own and no longer needs me to spend money on her. Wang Meng, an international student who graduated from Peking University, blocked his parents for 6 years and refused to go home for 12 years. This is a revenge plan for a child to escape fear and control when he becomes an adult. What if you don’t want to give in and want to resist? Small children will scream and cry, older children will be rebellious, and even lead to irreparable tragedies. How many children are waiting for their parents to say sorry? Some time ago, I called my aunt in my hometown. She told me that in the community where she lived, a 13-year-old child jumped from the building upstairs. Her mother is only in her 30s and has been a stay-at-home mother, while her father is not at home all year round. The police came to investigate and said they scolded the child for doing homework, and the child became so angry that he jumped off the balcony. I thought of the suicide note written by a 12-year-old Jiangsu girl before jumping off a building. It was probably the same. I got goosebumps all over my body after hearing this, and asked if the mother was pushing too hard. My aunt replied to me disdainfully: \”Her mother is very fierce, but shouldn\’t she be more fierce when she disciplines disobedient children? Why are children like this nowadays? How many children are beaten and scolded, don\’t they behave well?\” I said , so I had to send her an ellipsis. How many parents are waiting for their children to say thank you, and how many children are waiting for their parents to say sorry. In the past, when a child jumped from a building, it would trigger heated public discussions. Now, if a child jumps from a building, even the media is too lazy to report it. There is only a cold notice posted by the public security agency in the community where the incident occurred. A life dies quietly, with determination and relief. Children really don\’t have many chips to resist their parents. The most important thing is their life. Li Songwei, a Ph.D. in psychology from Peking University, once wrote: In the eyes of many adults, children are a species with immature brains that only remember after being beaten and scolded. Whenever they encounter a problem, the thinking of most parents in China is not to think \”there must be another way to solve this problem\”, but to think \”why bother looking far away at the expense of the near? If the spanking and scolding are in place, all problems will be solved.\”—— This is a self-evident cycle that is difficult to refute. People who always have this logical chain in their minds will naturally become people who frighten children. In a parent-child relationship, if fear accounts for the majority, then \”love\” is bound to be forcefully squeezed out. Without the connection of love, educating children is more likely to slip out of control, and parents become the executioners who destroy the parent-child relationship. Who does a child need most? You ask, what is a parent-child relationship that is completely free of fear? I remember that Xiaopai and I had agreed that Saturday would be \”Mompai Day\”, which was the time I spent alone with her. But one Saturday, I finally managed to make an appointment with a doctor to treat migraines, so I discussed with Xiaopai: If my mother wants to see a doctor on Saturday, can we move our \”Mom\’s Pai Day\” to Sunday? But I made an appointment with Mimi to play at her house on Sunday. You promised me Saturday before. Uh, isn\’t this an emergency? I need to discuss it with you.Measure it? No, I made an appointment with Mimi for an important event. Well, mom is a little sad, but I promised you first, and mom really wants to do what she says. Xiaopai didn\’t speak anymore, so I had to give up and plan to spend a Saturday with her. Unexpectedly, when I got there on Saturday morning, I had another headache. At first it was just a throbbing pain, but gradually, the whole brain hurt. I forced myself to go to have breakfast. Xiaopai suddenly walked up to me, lowered her long eyelashes, stirred the corners of her clothes with her hands, pursed her lips and asked me: \”Mom, do you have another headache? Go see a doctor now.\” Is it still too late?\” She didn\’t dare to look at me, but I could feel her guilt and confusion. I touched her head and sighed softly: \”Silly boy, I knew you loved me.\” Children, what they need most is not someone to be afraid of, but someone to love. Only when you love and care about someone can you come from the bottom of your heart and be willing to make changes for that person, and children are no exception.