As parents, avoid “asking for credit”

Yesterday, a parent gave me feedback: Why does my child have a bad temper even after several training sessions? I asked her: What exactly happened? She said: Didn’t she attend an English tutoring class? When she first came in, her English was relatively poor, so I took her to read and memorize it every night. After persisting for half a month, in this group test, the child\’s level has caught up. Among the six, she was second. \”Then what?\” I asked her. In fact, I can probably guess it. She said: She was very happy when she came back and said she was capable. I feel that this child is unrealistic and does not understand the nature of things. So I asked her to calm down: My daughter, who led you to read the text and memorize the words every day? How could you do so well on a test without this process? As a result, the child became angry and locked himself in the room without even coming out to eat. The parent became angry: Was what I said wrong? The child\’s dazed look was actually because she was not awake. It was indeed me who inspired her and helped her, and she did well in the exam. I asked her: Did you also say that your mother signed you up for dynamic hypnosis classes, which cost a lot of money? She nodded: Yes, I have to let my children cherish this opportunity. After all, our money does not come from strong winds. I said: No wonder, the child frowned and didn\’t speak when he came. The parent asked: Then how can I not talk to her? You didn\’t criticize her. I said: Stop talking, the child is already under enough pressure. Parents are still confused. CCTV recommends over 500 high-scoring documentaries. Children will become addicted to self-discipline after watching them. Let’s take a look. Why are children stressed? 1. I owe my parents so much, how can I pay them back? The cost of raising children is indeed very high now, and it is not the same as it was a few decades ago. Some parents are reluctant to even buy clothes themselves, but enroll their children in cram schools worth tens of thousands of dollars. Some parents have not traveled a few times themselves, but they can spend a lot of money on their children to go to summer camps abroad. Of course, when their children grow up, many parents will try their best to buy houses and cars for their children. There is no right or wrong in all this, but it depends on the mentality of the parents. If parents are willing to give without asking for anything in return, then for the child, the parents\’ contribution is like her own blessing and a reward from God, which will greatly nourish him. After he is nourished, he will feel happy and satisfied. With this feeling, he will be very motivated to study and work, and be grateful to his parents. On the other hand, if parents give with feelings of sacrifice and grievance, they will weigh the corresponding rewards while giving. For example, you gave your child a thousand yuan today, hoping that he will be in the top three in this exam. I bought him a car and hoped that he would come back to see you every week and bring you tea and water. Especially when he is spending this thousand yuan to drive a new car, you will remind him: Don’t forget, this is what I gave to you. Well, I\’m sorry, what you have given your children is not a blessing, but a waste. If you say it once, the child may tolerate it and forget it. If you say it a few times, he may refund your money and car keys to you on the spot. It’s easy to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. You work in your workplace. One day your boss sees that you are doing well and gives you a bonus.Got some bonus. You would have been happy. As a result, the next day the boss asked you to handle personal matters for him. You couldn\’t go because you had something to do. He immediately scolded you and said you were ungrateful. He just gave you a bonus yesterday, and today you turned your back on me. Let me ask you: Do you really want to take out that bonus and slap him in the face? Are you actually an ungrateful person? Not really. Everyone knows that gratitude is a spontaneous emotion, and it certainly does not occur under pressure or supervision. Therefore, if parents want their children to be grateful, they should do the opposite. Don\’t remind your children to remember what you have given them. You should even forget what you have given them and just enjoy the process. Sometimes if he doesn\’t express it, it doesn\’t mean that he is not grateful. Once you express it, your achievements will be burned to death by the sun. He will be very annoyed: How can I give you back what you gave me? Some children even think of giving their lives back to their parents. Because he said, I have no financial income anyway, but they always nag me as ungrateful, so I will give my life back to them. How terrible. 2. I am incompetent. I can’t do anything well without my parents. In addition to spending huge sums of money on their children’s life and study, some parents also invest a lot of experience and time. For example, starting from kindergarten, we teach children to read books word by word. When they go to elementary school, they help children check their daily homework until everything is checked and correct before submitting it to the teacher. What\’s more, for children in junior high school, their parents stayed with them to take notes during online classes, and discussed the difficulties with them after class. Some children will indeed benefit in the short term. With the supervision and help of their parents, they can get good results if they put 50% effort into their studies. However, they need to bear additional pressure. Just like the parent mentioned above, he helped his child, and then came out to claim credit after his child achieved some results: Without my help, you couldn\’t do it. This will destroy the little confidence the child has just gained in an instant. The child will think that it is really impossible for him to leave his mother. Then either he stubbornly refuses his mother\’s help and confronts his parents. Or he will run away if he encounters difficulties in the future because he knows he can\’t do it on his own. So, what should we do to properly support our children? Let’s first clarify a concept: it’s best for parents to be supporters, not helpers. Support comes more from the spiritual level, such as trusting his ability, silently encouraging him to complete it on his own, and applauding him. Another example is that when he has emotions, you accompany him calmly and attentively, and allow him to have emotions. These are supports. But \”help\” is different. When you see him tying his shoelaces slowly, you go up and help him tie them. When you see that he hasn\’t finished his homework very late, you go to the teacher to ask for leave. You see him having trouble with his classmates, and you are worried that he will suffer a disadvantage or lose friends, so you go and say good things to his classmates… These are help. The more help, the greater the harm, and you will deprive the child of his abilities. Of course, there is another way, you tell him how to tie his shoelaces, and when he ties them successfully, you give him the credit: Wow, you did it! You see that he is still doing his homework very late, so you drink a cup of coffee with him until he finishes. Then you said: You are really responsible for your homeworkchild. He is having trouble with his classmates, and you see that he is helpless. You enlighten him with a story, and he suddenly becomes enlightened. Then you say: You are so perceptive! He doesn’t have enough money to buy a house or a car, but you happen to have some money to spare. You spend all your money, but you say: You are really lucky, there is money just waiting for you… Believe me, your children will not be ungrateful. . On the contrary, he will learn from you to give without leaving any trace, which is true kindness and love.