Behind adolescent children\’s dislike of learning, irritability, and addiction to games are needs you don\’t see.

We often say that raising children is a one-way street. When children are very young, they are very good and obedient, but as they are raised, they become \”deviated\”. Phenomenons such as being tired of studying, being irritable, and addicted to games often occur, and parents are often overwhelmed, anxious, and at a loss. What can we do when my child exhibits deviant behavior? What\’s behind children\’s deviant behavior? Behind the children\’s deviant behavior, the children are calling for the correct love from their parents. In the eyes of family therapists, there are no problematic children or problematic parents. Rather, in this family, the problem is the relationship, not the person. So why did the relationship go wrong? So I\’m going to throw out the first question: when my child has a deviation problem. Deviation problems include many, for example, the more serious ones: my child is depressed, tired of studying, lacks motivation to learn, or ignores others, does not listen to parents, etc. Deviant behavior means that the child looks different from mainstream children. When I do peer supervision or technical exchanges with other counselors, I find a very interesting phenomenon: the children’s counseling goals and the parents’ counseling goals are completely different. The child said: I am in pain and even want to commit suicide. What should I do? The parents said: The child is in pain, addicted to games, and does not get along well with classmates and teachers. He has been out of school for a year. How can we get him to go to school? No matter how the child expresses his painful heart, the parent\’s consultation goal is only one: how to get the child to go to school. Why are you so insistent on sending your children to school? Parents must first figure out who they want their children to go to school for. A parent in the Mom\’s Psychological Exchange Group expressed what most people feel: \”My child\’s suspension from school made me feel like a failure and incompetent. Life was suddenly out of my control, and my worry and anxiety continued to increase.\” When I lose control of myself. The first reaction is to get angry and yell: Go to school quickly! Some parents decided to change themselves after taking some courses on mother\’s psychology. At first, they worked very hard to change their parenting style and suppress their anger. In the past, I might have yelled at my children, but now I clenched my back molars and said softly: \”Son, it\’s time to go to bed! Stop playing games.\” In fact, he was very angry inside. You desperately want to escape from your anxiety, worry, fear, and out-of-control uncertainty, but the responsibility tells yourself: This is your child and you cannot escape. You think your anxiety will be solved as long as your kids go to school, but is that really the case? When you have learned all kinds of martial arts, but you are still unconsciously playing the role of helping yourself, what this child sees is: I am already in so much pain, so painful that I retreated from society to the family, and I used a lot of symptoms Go and express yourself irritably, but all you see at this time is your anxiety. So was this child rescued by you, or was he pushed further away? When children tell their parents over and over again, the parents cannot hear them. It’s not that the parents don’t want to hear it, it’s because the parents themselves are so anxious that they can’t see anything clearly. Why do parents “turn a blind eye” to their children’s pain? There must be a reason why a child doesn’t go to school. When he wants to seek help, what about parents?What should he do if he couldn\’t get it, so he had to hide back home. Home is the last harbor. My child wants to be at home, so I lock my door and create my own harbor at home. But what my parents said when they opened their mouths was: \”Oh, hold on, go back to school and work harder, relax a little more…\” At this time, this home is no longer a harbor, no different from the outside world. A child said during consultation: \”I really can\’t listen to what they said, you should be more minded and don\’t be so small. Going back to school is not as scary as you think. For example, if I am five minutes late, then when I knock on the classroom door, talk to the teacher When calling for a report, the teacher would not say anything to me. I would walk to my seat in front of all my classmates. During this period, even though I knew in my heart that there might be nothing wrong with the way my classmates and teachers looked at me, and they might not be disgusted with me. I would be nervous and scared, and I would feel bad. I was sweating, my hands were cold, and my legs were trembling when I walked less than five meters. \”His parents comforted him and said, \”Ignore them, just lower your head and go. Just run forward and you\’ll pass. Just stare and grit your teeth and you\’ll pass. It\’s not difficult.\” So when people say that children don’t communicate with their parents, it’s not that the children don’t want to communicate with their parents. It’s that after the children communicate with their parents, the parents can’t see their difficulties. You will use a lot of positive energy and a lot of chicken soup to tell him that persistence is victory. This pattern must be anytime, anywhere, every day, every month, every year. When you are in that state, there is nothing you can do to help your child. Let go of the obsession with “teaching” children. Every child has his or her own talents. What needs to be done is to let go of the obsession with teaching children to become better, and instead “activate” them. The prerequisite for activation is still relationship. There is a term in psychology called attachment relationship: the first person a child establishes contact with the outside world at birth is his mother, so her interactive relationship with her mother creates a pattern for how he will interact with everyone in the future; the attachment relationship with his mother It determines whether he will be obedient or rebellious later on. Attachment relationships are divided into three categories: The first type of secure attachment relationship means that the mother is a just right mother. She will feed the child in time when he is hungry, and will take care of him in time when the child is not feeling well. ; The second type of ambivalent attachment relationship: This kind of mother loves her child and is willing to meet the child\’s needs. However, the mother\’s mood is not stable enough. When the child is disobedient, she will be irritable and angry; but when the mood calms down, Sometimes, I feel guilty again. The third type of avoidant attachment relationship: The child longs for the mother\’s love, but what he gets is the mother\’s distracted eyes and lack of communication. When relationships cannot meet children\’s needs, they will turn to the outside world, such as mobile phones, games, social networking, etc. If you want to \”activate\” your child, you must give your child a secure attachment. Really focus on yourself instead of staring at the child. I am responsible for my anxiety, not my anxiety, the child is responsible. Separate responsibilities and keep boundaries.