Behind every \”problem\” child is an unreliable parent

Sometimes, when we talk about raising children, some people will say, \”I don\’t know how to educate children at all.\” And this type of parents often have one of the biggest characteristics: they only see the shortcomings of their children and do not see any advantages. The more shortcomings you see, the more entangled and painful you will be. The reality is that behind every problem child, there is a parent with even more problems. I once received an email from a mother who described her child’s problems in hundreds of words. For example, a child is dawdling and turns a deaf ear to what his mother says. He can only listen if he yells. The child acted shamelessly and agreed to watch only one episode of the cartoon. After watching the cartoon, he disagreed and insisted on continuing to watch it. After forcibly pulling it out, he lost his temper, kicked the wall, and even hit others. The mother\’s way of coping is to violently punish the child, or yell at the child. Because she was very tired during the day and had no patience when she got home. He also mentioned that children like to play with mobile phones very much and often do so when their parents are not paying attention. Because when I am busy and have no time to take care of my children, I will let my children play with their mobile phones. I feel very helpless and have no patience with my children. If the children disobey, I will beat them, scold them, and threaten them. On the way home from kindergarten, the children will ask for toys or snacks! If you don\’t buy it, you keep yelling until you are too annoyed to compromise. After reading what this mother said, I guess many mothers can find some of the same pain points. How do you react when faced with these problems? In fact, the problems mentioned above are often caused by the parenting style of parents. Yelling at your children often will only make them get used to your yelling and even ignore your emotions. You were yelling hysterically, but the child still went his own way, making you anxious. Over the long term, you will find that your child\’s ability to \”bear\” is getting stronger and stronger. So that one day, your roar will become meaningless. Hitting and scolding is never an effective method of discipline. Out-of-control parents cannot truly get into their children\’s hearts. They are often blocked directly from the heart, because no one will accept a person who is emotionally out of control. Of course, your overreaction may actually scare your child. That kind of result is often the opposite of what you want. In addition to emotional torture, the most painful thing for parents should be their children\’s \”disobedience\”. For example, the mother above said that her child loves to play with mobile phones and is disobedient. But who put this phone in the child’s hand? Never the child himself, but the parents. Sometimes parents have to hire this \”electronic nanny\” for their own needs. When a child likes this interesting electronic nanny and becomes addicted, the parents angrily and hatefully forbid their children to have access to it. Isn\’t this a bit too overbearing? Normal children will resist. Once bad habits are formed, they are difficult to change. Recently there was a shop owner downstairs who often scolded his son for playing games. But every time he cursed for a minute, he would continue to play mobile games while looking at the store. What he means is that I am an adult and can play. You can\’t play if you are a child. After finishing his homework, my son always turns on the computer to play games with a few friends. It has become a habit. Many so-called \”disobedient\” children are caused by their parents. Parents must have their own principles as they accompany their children to grow up. Be self-disciplined and have rules.Talking about rules often gives parents a headache. It cannot be implemented, and even if it is implemented, it will have no effect. The child firmly resists, what should I do? The mother in the article above talks about her child being naughty. Children are born to be masters of bargaining. They will watch people\’s words and try to find some small advantages for themselves. What should you do if your child is cheating? Is it good to use violence to force children into submission? For example, if your child still wants to watch, just unplug it. Now the child became angry, beat the wall and hit others, and lost control of his emotions. If parents do not face up to this problem, it will not only strain the parent-child relationship, but also cause emotional disorders in the child. The child will never be able to pass this level and cannot control himself. For example, the child in Chongqing jumped off a building because his father did not allow him to watch cartoons. He is the result of long-term emotions. Such children tend not to have a problem in one fell swoop. But for many years, no one faced his emotions, either ignoring them or suppressing them with yelling. On the surface, I surrendered, but in fact, the negative energy in my heart kept gathering. Like a black hole, swallowing the child\’s inner world. I know that most parents set rules for their children, but they just can\’t enforce them. One is that children are satisfied when they make trouble. For example, the mother above had her child clamoring to buy snacks, but she had no choice but to give in. That kid will make you compromise next time. The same is true when watching TV. Your children are also making trouble. Why don\’t you compromise? Why are you unplugging me and why aren\’t you letting me finish this cartoon? Children are mentally disturbed. Don’t know what to follow and don’t know what to do. This disorder is caused by parents themselves breaking the rules and constantly compromising. Here I have a suggestion. We know that sometimes there is a supplementary agreement when signing a contract. We are just afraid that there may be unexpected situations, so we can temporarily supplement the agreement, but we cannot violate the subject of the previous contract. So when my son really wants to watch one more episode of a cartoon one day, I will ask him why. He says he wants to finish the plot and see if the little protagonist can do it well. Please dad, just one episode. . Then I will emphasize to him that this time dad understands you, but our rules cannot be broken and must be followed next time. It is equivalent to signing a supplementary agreement. When children slowly develop this spirit of contract, their self-management abilities will also strengthen. Don\’t sign such a supplementary agreement. And such an approach would be more useful than unconditional compromise or violent submission. When faced with problems that arise in their children, what parents need to do is not to blame, or to label them online. Instead, you should reflect on the reasons for the problem. Can you really read your children when they are little? And when your children grow up, how much do you know? In fact, it is often the parents who need education the most. Because children’s problems are stared at by many people, but what about parents’ problems? But no one pointed it out. One mother said that she has been searching for the simplest and most practical parenting concept for nearly four years, and she has come to realize that it still comes down to \”teaching by words and deeds\”. To ask children to do something, parents must first do it themselves. If you can\’t do it yourself, don\’t expect your children to do it. This is unfair to the child. Indeed, when you think something is wrong with your child, look at yourself first.