Behind Faye Wong’s daughter dropping out of school is the hidden pain of 230 million Chinese families: How many people have been harmed by parents’ desire for control?

Hunan Satellite TV has a variety show \”Youth Talk\”, which is called the Chinese version of \”Rooftop Confessions\”. The content of the program is to encourage those students to go to the rooftop and bravely confess loudly to the people they like or say what they want to say in front of all teachers, students and parents. \”I believe in you\” is the most perfunctory encouragement from parents. There is a program about a little girl in the first grade of junior high school. She likes to record life by writing novels. Since the third grade, I have written 56 books, with a total of more than 300,000 words. Because of such a hobby, her liberal arts scores were very good, but her science scores became her shortcomings. She couldn\’t help but feel sleepy as soon as she started math class. Dad was very anxious, thinking that she was delaying her studies by writing novels. When he saw the novel in her schoolbag again, his father burst into her room in anger, found her \”novel nest\”, and tore up all the more than 50 novels she had written one stroke at a time. \”Dad, you tore up all my novels. I felt like I had lost my soul during that time.\” Although she felt aggrieved, the little girl still smiled and asked her father in a relaxed tone, why did she do this? The daughter stood on the rooftop and said these words bravely, hoping to gain her father\’s understanding and support. However, the father said this: \”You are very partial to subjects. If you continue like this, you will not be able to get into a good high school, let alone a good university.\” The daughter, who had been listening silently, could not help but refute for herself: \”I It\’s not that I don\’t want to work hard, it\’s that I really can\’t learn mathematics. Looking at other students who are good at mathematics, I feel that I can\’t catch up with my whole life\’s hard work.\” But my father directly retorted: \”Others can do it, so can you. I believe in you, you will Let\’s catch up with this result.\” The little girl, who was still smiling, couldn\’t help it anymore, turned her back and started crying. She didn\’t cry when she told how her father tore up her 300,000-word novel; when she asked her father why he did this, she smiled; but after a seemingly encouraging \”I believe in you\”, she finally collapsed. Maybe the father didn\’t understand in the end that what the child needs at this time is understanding and support. Instead of \”I believe you\”. \”I believe you\” is really a universal answer. The parents who said this did not feel the anxiety and helplessness in their children at all, but once again threw their expectations on their children. This kind of expectation is never-ending pressure. I believe many people have experienced that the things they love and the hard work they create are not recognized. Instead, your family wants you to try things you don\’t like again and again. It\’s so sad and wronged, it\’s really frustrating. From my own experience, what children want to hear most at this time is not \”come on\” or \”I believe in you\”. But \”You can give up\” and \”I love you even if you fail.\” If possible, I want to go to that girl and tell her: Don\’t be afraid, just do what you want. \”I\’m doing it for your own good\” is the biggest selfishness of parents. During the Spring Festival, I watched the movie \”囧Mom\” at home. The movie tells the story of Ivan, played by Xu Zheng, and his 60-year-old mother on a six-day and six-night train journey. During the journey, many differences arose due to their different ideas and concepts. For example, when we eat together, his mother keeps letting him eat braised pork, butWhen there was the last piece left, he was not allowed to eat it because he was too fat. At the same time, he said the words that had been hidden in his heart for a long time: \”I want to control you.\” Even on the train, her mother was feeding Xu Zheng anytime and anywhere. Finally, Xu Zheng became impatient and threw his mother\’s tomatoes out of the window. The mother cried in the car and said, \”Everything my mother did was for your own good.\” After listening, the son said something like this to his mother: \”This is the problem between us. In your heart There is an imaginary son living here, why do you persist in trying to transform me? Haven’t you discovered that I am not the son you imagined?” The biggest mistake of Chinese parents is that they think that the child is a blank slate when he is born. They have to draw what they think is a beautiful pattern on this white paper. Therefore, many people plan their lives for their children, devote all their unfulfilled wishes to their children, and even devote all their goals for the rest of their lives to hoping that their children will succeed. However, the meaning of life lies in choice. If a person doesn\’t even have the right to choose and lives according to other people\’s wishes, is it still his own life? True parental love is a graceful exit. \”You can\’t be bad, you don\’t have to be bad.\” Faye Wong\’s view on parenting is the most upright and worth learning from the celebrities I know. How to educate and train children, Faye Wong did three things. First, it is fully affirmed that Faye Wong’s youngest daughter, Li Yan, was born with cleft lip. But looking at the photos of the little girl, although the traces of the surgery on her lips are vaguely visible, she does not have the slightest trace of inferiority or isolation, and there is confidence everywhere in her bones. This is inseparable from Faye Wong\’s constant affirmation and praise for her. From childhood to adulthood, Faye Wong\’s words and deeds to her daughter have always told Li Yan: It is normal for you to be different from everyone, because each of us is born unique. Li Yan also fully accepted this fact and became more and more confident in herself. Second, high-quality companionship. Before Dou Jingtong was born, Faye Wong was at the height of her career. But at the risk of never coming back to fame, she did not hesitate to leave the music scene to get married and have children, and retired for more than a year. Moreover, when Dou Jingtong was a child, Faye Wong would take her with her almost every time she went out to perform. Every day after the performance, I would return to the hotel late at night and still personally bathe my daughter and put her to sleep. After giving birth to Li Yan, Faye Wong was almost in a semi-reclusive state. In order to accompany Li Yan, Faye Wong worked as a housewife for 6 years. She regarded educating children as her own career and studied children\’s education courses for four years. Third, I respect enough that Faye Wong never regards her two daughters as her own appendages, but treats her children as independent individuals. When Dou Jingtong was 14 years old, she went to school in No. 4 Middle School, a prestigious school in Beijing, but she no longer wanted to study and wanted to study music. She asked Faye Wong, and Faye Wong only responded: \”Just think about it.\” When Dou Jingtong dropped out of Berklee College of Music in the United States at the age of 18, Faye Wong still respected her decision. Some media once interviewed Faye Wong and asked her how to grasp the balance between \”control and freedom\” with her two children. Faye Wong replied: \”The desire to protect and worry about children only exists in infants and young children. After this stage, they are regarded asIndependent individuals, get along and communicate with them. \”Full affirmation, high-quality companionship, and enough respect. Such an excellent education method allows the two daughters Dou Jingtong and Li Yan to reveal their unique personality charm and good family upbringing in the details. The two daughters have different personalities, but Equally talented but not arrogant, neither too bad nor too well-behaved, living the way he wants. The desire for control makes children suffer from hollow disease. The desire for control is the \”ideal self\” that parents project onto their children. American psychologist Evans once told a story. There was a mother and her daughter standing in front of the ice cream selling window. The mother asked her daughter: \”Which flavor do you want?\” The daughter said, \”I want vanilla.\” \”I think the chocolate one is better.\” \”No, I want vanilla.\” \”You shouldn\’t ask for vanilla, I know you like chocolate things.\” \”I want vanilla right now.\” Finally, the mother sighed helplessly: Why is this child so stubborn? When Evans asked his mother \”Why must I let my daughter choose the chocolate flavor?\”, the mother said: \”I think it tastes delicious, so I want to give it to my daughter.\” I love her so much and I just want the best for her. \”In fact, there is a child who likes to eat chocolate ice cream living in the mother\’s heart. So she projects her own psychological needs onto the child. Two years ago, an 18-year-old boy named Sun Anzuo claimed that he was going to school to shoot. Later, a pistol and 1,608 bullets were found by the US police. This incident aroused public discussion. One of the focuses of the discussion was the education method of Sun Anzuo\’s mother. His mother is Taiwanese actress Di Ying. Di Ying She once revealed on the show that she has strictly controlled her son\’s appetite since he was a child, and even spent seven hours a day watching him eat. Before graduating from elementary school, she never let her son go out alone, not even to the convenience store at the door. Yes. Her son’s studies are of even higher standards and strict requirements. She still complains to her children at every turn: Mom sacrificed everything for you, changed your daily schedule, lost friends, and still takes care of you every day, how can you be worthy of me? On the surface, Di Ying has sacrificed everything for her son. Everything. But in fact, she just wanted to transform her child into what she wanted to be, but couldn\’t. Di Ying debuted at a young age. She came out to sing to make a living before graduating from elementary school. She was often bullied and forced to She grew up to be a fierce character. But deep down in her heart, she hoped that she could be knowledgeable, have status, and be protected by others. So, she always raised her children according to her ideal type. Parents like Di Ying often cannot see the true nature of their children. They exist and don\’t care what their children really want. They can only see the \”ideal self\” they project onto their children. And children who are forced to carry their parents\’ ideals are like birds with their wings clipped, flying all their lives. There is no way out of the cage of love. The desire for control makes children suffer from \”hollow disease.\” CCTV spent ten years polishing a documentary \”Mirror\”. There is a \”problem boy\” Jiaming in it. Jiaming\’s father is a family member. The management of the company grew up in a poor family, but through his own struggle he has achieved what he is today, so his biggest wish is that his son can get ahead. His son bought a pet, but when he came home, he threw it away;He wanted to ride a bicycle to a farther place, but he firmly opposed it before he finished speaking. His son wanted to be a wandering singer, a backpacker, or learn to paint, but he said no. Learning is the only way out… Jiaming is determined. I just wanted to be \”free\”, so in the end I didn\’t even go to high school. I stayed at home all day surfing the Internet, playing games, and even self-harming from time to time. On the first day he was sent to the training camp, Jiaming fought with the instructor because he refused to make his bed. Perhaps parents\’ original intention is to protect their children and prevent them from taking detours, but they don\’t know that such love also causes children to lose their freedom and self. A netizen shared his story. When she was in middle school, she had a very good friend who helped her a lot. But because her friend\’s grades were not good, her mother refused to allow them to continue their relationship. Her mother would always peek at her diary and say, \”You just think about these messy things all day long, so your grades are so bad.\” She was not allowed to have long hair, wear suspenders, or go out to play on weekends. In short, everything that has nothing to do with learning is a monster. As a result, after she entered college, she discovered that she had no social skills at all, and she didn\’t know how to get along with her partner when she was in love. He is submissive in doing things, sensitive and worried, and often makes a mess of things. In fact, whether it is the rebellious Jiaming or the forbearing netizen, they have lost the most precious thing in a person: an independent soul. Psychologist Li Xue said: \”A body can only bear one soul. If the parents\’ control is airtight, the child is actually spiritually dead.\” Controlled children, who have been pushed by their parents since childhood, have long lost their Motivation to move forward. In the end, he can only become a hollow person lacking a sense of value and meaning. Seeing and accepting is the only antidote. As parents, what we should do most is to strengthen ourselves, become a leafy tree, and silently lead our children. Instead of asking your children to be what you want them to be. Just like Gibran\’s poem: \”Your children are not actually your children. They are children born of life\’s desire for itself. They came to this world through you, but not because of you. What you can give them It\’s your love, but not your thoughts, because they have their own thoughts. What you can shelter is their bodies, but not their souls, because their souls belong to tomorrow, to a tomorrow that you can\’t reach in your dreams, you You can try your best to become like them, but don\’t let them become like you, because life will not retreat or stay in the past.\” Because love means letting children be themselves.