Being able to truly see your children is a lifelong compulsory course for parents

Can you feel it without the child expressing it? This mother used all her body and mind to understand her child\’s feelings and finally saw her child. It is worth learning from every parent! After the National Day, the whole family took into consideration the increasingly cold weather, the speed of getting dark, and Han\’s sister\’s rest situation, etc., and decided to let Han\’s sister take the school bus home after school, and I would pick her up at the stop sign. Before that, Han Meier took the school bus to kindergarten every day, and her grandfather picked her up after school. The two would go to the park next to the school to play for an hour or two, and then slowly take the bus back. On the first day of school after the holiday, Han Meier cried and didn\’t want to go to kindergarten. She was worried about taking the school bus back. Her father and I thought that she might have never taken a school bus home, so she was a little worried about not knowing how to act, which made her not want to go to kindergarten, so we told her not to worry, as the teacher would be with her the whole time. I went to pick her up at the bus stop in the afternoon. She was very happy to see me after getting off the bus and said, \”Mom, I know I can take the school bus home.\” I thought she would accept this soon. But at night, she said she didn\’t want to take the school bus home and wanted her grandpa to pick her up. We thought she might not be used to it, so we asked her to hold on. She cried herself to sleep. In the next few days, she started crying when she went out. She felt that there was a lot of pressure in her crying voice that needed to be released. She kept crying until the school bus came, and when she saw the school bus, she turned around and ran away. When I went to bed at night, I was sobbing in my dreams, as if I was back to the way she was in the first week of kindergarten, which made me heartbroken. During this period, we thought of many ways, such as going to the playground downstairs to play after picking her up, taking it slow like weaning, and asking grandpa to pick her up once in the middle, but none of these made her feel better. After the weekend, she repeatedly told me that she didn’t want to go to kindergarten or take the school bus home, so she asked me to pick her up from kindergarten. I felt a little annoyed and couldn\’t help but preach loudly. Although she didn\’t cry when I sent her off on Monday morning, the pressure on her body made me panic. I watched the kindergarten surveillance video all day. When school was about to end in the afternoon, I suddenly felt that she might be very nervous at the moment. Thinking about this, my body became nervous and my stomach began to hurt. I remembered what she said about stomachache in kindergarten, and I said you can go and talk to the teacher. You want to poop, she said I don’t mean to poop. I remembered that I had a stomachache when I was nervous, which I had when I was a child. I try to continue to understand this tension. If I go back to my childhood, what is the difference between letting me take the school bus and waiting for my mother to pick me up at school? Although I have never ridden a school bus, if I had been allowed to ride, I would have been only three and a half years old… Sometimes the body is more real than the brain. It is more useful to experience the child\’s feelings with every pore in the body than to use the brain\’s rational analysis. When I was a child, I developed a stomachache when I was nervous, which I developed while waiting on the roadside for my mother to come home day after day. At that time, I was waiting for my mother to come back at home. The space was closed and the line of sight was very narrow, so I kept thinking wildly and felt very scared. I would wait outside at a place far away from the roadside. When it was getting dark, I felt so nervous that I had a stomachache, so I walked out all the way. Looking for her, sometimes I meet my mother who is in a hurry on the only way, sometimes I turn back halfway and continue holding my stomach and waiting… I don\’tI like the feeling of passively waiting at home, and I like to take the initiative to find someone. However, Han Meier is not… She is different from me. If it were her way, she would rather wait in the kindergarten than find it on the road, so she is very nervous. She is afraid that when she walks out, her mother will not be there. what to do? After taking her home that day, I had an honest talk with her. When she said again, can you pick me up from the kindergarten tomorrow? I told her honestly: \”I\’m sorry, Sister Han, I know that for many children in your class, their parents come to the kindergarten to pick them up. But every family\’s situation is different. In our family, the parents are at work and can\’t come to pick you up. For other children, Mom and Dad may not have to go to work during the day but only work at night, or they may be able to take leave, but Mom and Dad’s workplace cannot. Mom is now picking you up at the bus stop every day, which is already a little bit of time gained after trying her best. If Mom puts The classes have been moved to the evening. Then my mother will pick you up during the day and have to go to class in the evening. I can\’t sleep with you.\” I cleared my throat, looked into her eyes and said seriously: \”Mei Han, what\’s next? You must remember, mother promised you, I promise to wait for you at the stop sign in advance every day. It will never be late. I will not let you wait for me. I will be waiting for you. You can absolutely believe that I will be there. Just wait for me. You can definitely see me in the car.\” Han Meier looked at me for a while, then suddenly breathed a sigh of relief and said, \”Okay, Mom, actually I won\’t cry anymore.\” She was very happy throughout the meal. . When I went to bed at night, she asked me to say the above words again. No more sobbing at night. The next day, she said good-bye to her father, and said that her mother would pick me up at the bus stop in the afternoon, and that I would be at home waiting for her father to come back. In the past few days, the situation has been getting better day by day, and I have finally recovered. Although I still say that I don’t want to go to kindergarten, it is just a little anxiety before separation. I go out in the morning, humming a tuneless ditty, or reciting two lines of ancient poetry, and express my gratitude to those who ride the school bus. There was no worry at all, and there was no further request to pick her up from the kindergarten. Over the past two weeks, I have summarized this matter, which is also the point I want to express in this article. When I asked my child why she didn’t want to go to kindergarten, she said she didn’t want to take the school bus back. But no matter how I asked her why she couldn\’t take the school bus back by herself, she would either tell me that other children were picked up, or she would tell me that she just didn\’t want to take the bus. But she couldn\’t clearly describe the uneasy feeling in her heart. This was something that children (and adults too, in fact) couldn\’t express. The most important thing about how to truly understand a child, or a person, is to understand the unsaid words. And how to experience it? Obviously, the first step is to face up to the difficulties our children face and have the determination to find the reasons, trusting that when we look for the answers, the answers are also looking for us. We often avoid the difficulties our children face because it reminds us of our unhappy childhood, causing us to habitually ignore our children\’s pain and choose to preach to our children: \”Kindergarten is so fun, how could you not like it?\” Not every child can sit on the school bus. Some children want to sit but haven’t reserved a seat yet!” This is not only unexplainable.Solving the problem will also make children start to deny themselves: \”My behavior is wrong, my fear is wrong, my unwillingness to take the school bus is wrong.\” But there is no right or wrong in not wanting to take the school bus. . The second step to experience is not to use your so-called rational analysis to judge the child for granted, but to use your body to feel the child\’s pain and put yourself in their shoes. You will find the difference in the child\’s cry and the pressure when hugging the child. The difference between the body and the body without stress will be noticed in the difference in the tone of the child\’s speech. This step is difficult, after all we have been adults for a long time. But in fact, the method is very simple, which is to be absolutely focused when accompanying your children. I often find that, to a certain extent, I know my parents better than I know myself. When their bodies move slightly when they face things, I know that they are happy, angry, depressed, and interested. Or pretend not to care. But after I became a parent myself, I found that sometimes I didn’t know what my child was thinking. It was often like: She cries and I don’t know why, and she laughs and I don’t know what the point of the laughter is, so I can only giggle along with it. The reason is simple, because in adult roles, the world is huge and exciting, and there are always too many distractions, too many things, and too many ideas. When I am in the role of a child, my parents are my world. It was only when I tried to consciously focus all my attention on Han Meier that I truly felt what she was feeling. I think that’s exactly what it means to truly “see” a person!