By doing these three things, you will understand the skills to communicate effectively with your children.

I discovered that Rooney was recently obsessed with idioms, so I quickly bought him a set of idiom story picture books on JD.com. Rooney really liked them and asked me to read them to him that night. The next morning, Rooney got up from bed before seven o\’clock and asked me to read to him. However, I was in a hurry to brush my teeth and ignored him. He got angry and followed me to the bathroom, shouting angrily: \”Mom, can\’t you just brush it later? Come over here and teach me a lesson!\” He shouted and stamped his feet, looking very anxious. Seeing him like this, I started to get irritated, and I almost responded to him impatiently, \”Can\’t you wait for a while? It\’s so annoying.\” But in the blink of an eye, I thought that such an answer would definitely make him even more angry. Because of my character, I would have to chatter endlessly, and I might not have any peace of mind all morning. I took a deep breath, swallowed these words, and tried to understand his feelings from his perspective. Then I looked into his eyes and said calmly: \”You really want mom to teach you a book right away.\” Right? It seems like you are really anxious.\” Unexpectedly, these words miraculously calmed down the furious Rooney. It must have been a long time since I heard such a calm response from me (I want to review this, my state some time ago No, I often respond to him angrily), he was stunned for a while, as if he punched the cotton hard, and he was immediately discouraged and said coquettishly: \”Mom, hurry up Tell me about the book after you finish.\” Seeing his drastic change in style, I laughed secretly and began to feel sorry for him: \”Don\’t worry, honey, there\’s still enough time. Mommy will tell you about it right away after finishing the painting.\” He no longer said Urging, waiting patiently for me to finish brushing my teeth. It was such a small thing. If it had happened during the winter vacation, it would have definitely caused an uproar. At that time, I was in a very bad state. I was often irritable and anxious for no reason. When I heard Rooney chattering and getting angry, I didn’t have the patience to comfort him at all. Instead, I often couldn’t help but get angry, irritable, impatient, and even yell, Scolding Rooney, then there will be a fierce quarrel with him. In the end, the two of them will be exhausted and both lose. Although I have read countless parenting books and articles and have many ways to deal with children in my mind, when I am always faced with a six-year-old boy with high needs, a bad temper, and who is in the second rebellious period of his life, For the first time, I felt that I was at my wits end and felt deeply frustrated and powerless. One of the questions I was most worried about at that time was: If my child is already so difficult to discipline when he is only six years old, what will I do when he reaches adolescence? Such anxiety spread throughout my body all the time, so that as soon as I discovered Rooney was showing signs of rebellion, I rushed to put it out. As a result, the fire spread, both of us were burned with scars, and cracks began to appear in the parent-child relationship. I spent countless sleepless nights tossing and turning, thinking about what the problem was. what do I do? It was a really difficult time, but such constant questioning and reflection was very useful. In just one month, I was freed from the tension, reconciled with Rooney, and regained the intimacy we had before. Nowadays, when I\’m faced with Rooney\’s outbursts, I usually take a soft approach and brush them off.Things are simplified and trivial matters are made small. How did I change? To sum up, the following three points should be done: First, change the perception and accept the child. The emotional ABC theory believes that the activating event A (activating event) is only an indirect cause of the emotional and behavioral consequences C (consequence), and the direct cause of C is the individual\’s belief B ( belief). For example, when they see a glass of water that is half full, some people cheer happily, \”Yeah, there\’s still water in the glass,\” while some people sigh in disappointment, \”Oh, there\’s only half a glass of water left.\” That is to say, The amount of water is not the decisive factor that affects your mood. Your perception and evaluation of this glass of water are the direct reasons for whether you are happy or not. Similarly, when faced with a child\’s rebellion, I used to think: \”This child is really stubborn and not obedient at all. No, I have to take good care of him, otherwise it will be even more difficult when he gets older.\” This kind of knowledge made me feel more confident about Rooney. The more I looked at him, the more I disliked him. I always wanted to correct him and suppress him. Once I was defeated, I began to deny myself: \”I am such a failure. I can\’t even take care of my children.\” Then I fell into deep anxiety and self-consciousness. In the midst of responsibility and frustration, such pessimism seriously consumed my inner strength, making it impossible for me to calm down and accompany my children and pay attention to them. So Rooney began to unconsciously look for trouble and create conflicts in an attempt to regain my attention. After changing my perception, when faced with Rooney\’s rebellion again, I would tell myself: \”This is a good thing. Being rebellious means that he has grown up again. He does not mean to go against you, but because of the need for development.\” After realizing this, I began to carefully observe Rooney\’s changes. Every time he argued hard, I could see his mental level improving. The character traits that used to bother me, such as stubbornness, restlessness, and impatience, were reinterpreted by me and turned into rare and excellent qualities such as firm will, flexible brain, and quick response. Therefore, when I faced him losing his temper again, I Then try to accept and understand him. The look I looked at him changed from harsh and disgusting to soft and appreciative. Gradually, the Pygmalion effect took place. Rooney made less and less unreasonable troubles and looked for trouble, and became more and more cooperative. Even if he had different opinions on my arrangements, he could negotiate with me most of the time. communicate. Second, empty yourself and live in the present. After experiencing constant conflicts and conflicts with my children, I deeply realized that nothing is more important than the parent-child relationship. When I was most anxious and depressed, I finally decided to put down my official account writing, put down all business cooperation, and temporarily Say goodbye to WeChat groups and Moments, and spend all your time with your children. What is high-quality companionship? I believe that only by letting yourself go and living in the present can you provide your children with high-quality companionship. To empty yourself means to let go of all distracting thoughts and fears about the future. Many times, our anxiety comes from fear of the future. For example, if a child goes to bed a little later, we worry about his lack of sleep, which will affect his physical development and learning; if a child lingers and refuses to brush his teeth, we worry about his teeth. It will be eaten away; the child just saidWhen we say something dissatisfied with a friend, we immediately think of his future interpersonal relationships… I have read many books and articles about communication. Almost all experts point out that the first step in effective communication is to unconditionally accept the other person\’s feelings. But the fear of the future makes it impossible for us to pay attention to our children\’s feelings at this moment, let alone respond correctly. If you don’t believe it, let’s take a look at the following familiar scenes: In the morning, you urge your child to get up quickly and go to school, but the child says he doesn’t want to go to school today. You immediately become worried. He’s only in kindergarten and doesn’t want to go to school. What will you do in the future? No, you have to go to school today, so you try your best to persuade your child to get up, but you forget to patiently guide him to tell him the real reason why he doesn’t want to go to school. The weather started to get cold, and you were worried that your child would catch a cold, so you took out your coat and asked your child to put it on, but the child said it was too hot and refused to put it on. You refused to listen to your earnest persuasion, so you argued with your child, forgetting that the child might be real. Don\’t feel cold. If your child secretly takes money to buy snacks and then lies to you, saying that grandma bought them, you immediately feel like you are on the verge of a formidable enemy, worried that he is a bad learner, so you severely criticize him or even beat him, but you never notice the hidden meaning in your child’s lies. Innocence and cuteness. …In fact, every child lives in the present. They don’t have as many worries and anxieties as adults, so they can always find the joy of life. If we can also completely let go of these unnecessary worries and delusions, and devote ourselves to our children If we live in the present, we don’t need to master so many parenting methods and skills, and we can easily and unconditionally accept our children’s feelings and communicate effectively with them. Third, capture the moment and reflect continuously. For a while, I kept asking myself, why am I still unable to raise my children despite knowing many parenting principles and methods? During the most intense conflict with Rooney, I deeply realized the old saying \”Easier said than done\”. Many times, when faced with a child crying, I can clearly feel the anger that is about to burst out. I also know that I need to find a corner to calm down at this time, but in the end I still can\’t control myself and get angry at the child. Why? Will this happen? In fact, it is a lack of a lot of practice. Any skill that can be internalized into one\’s own instinct requires a lot of practice, and the same is true for emotional management. Before I had children, because my life was relatively simple and I was introverted, I rarely had head-on conflicts with others, so I had almost no practice in emotional management. Rooney’s unprecedented rebellion this time can be said to have given me A lesson in life. From this perspective, I should also be grateful for the experience. So how to practice? The key is to be good at capturing the moments of life and constantly reflecting on them. Every conflict with a child is a rare opportunity for practice. I asked myself over and over again: \”Why am I losing control? Where does my anxiety come from? How should I respond next time I encounter the same situation?\” When I am in a mess inside, I start writing, Recall what I was thinking at the time, and sort out and analyze the root causes of my emotions. Socrates once said: The unexamined life is not worth living. eye observationThe world you encounter is often superficial. Only by experiencing and reflecting with your heart can you touch the essence of things. Thinking of the chaotic life in the past, I sincerely thank my two children. It was you who allowed me to start exploring the meaning of life.