Can\’t stop yelling at your kids? The real reason may be here

A few days ago, I took Chengzi to extracurricular classes. The teacher called the name before class. When Orange was called, the teacher\’s pronunciation was a little inaccurate. Orange didn\’t realize that he was calling himself. The teacher called again. Chengzi hesitated and agreed in a low voice. The teacher didn\’t hear it and thought the student didn\’t come. I happened to be behind Cheng Zi, patted him, and asked him to raise his hands to tell the teacher that he was here. Chengzi didn\’t even raise his hand until the teacher called his name and started class. I was a little anxious and angry, thinking: \”Why is this child so cowardly? He doesn\’t even dare to raise his hand and say something loudly!\” The more I thought about it, the angrier I became, and I poked at the orange again: \”Tell the teacher quickly. The attendance information must be recorded. Systematic!\” There was emotion in his words. It wasn\’t until the teacher asked the students to do some pre-class exercises that Cheng Zi raised his hand. The teacher came over and asked what was going on. Orange whispered to the teacher. The teacher said, OK, I understand. This kid is so cowardly! Looking at the little back of Orange in the front row, I felt a little irritable. I\’m angry at Chengzi for being timid, and I\’m also angry at myself for not being able to calm down, for being so anxious about a trivial matter. Why is this happening? I took a closer look at my heart and wanted to see clearly where this anxiety and anger came from. Without looking too hard, I saw a little girl. At noon in kindergarten, everyone is taking a nap. The little girl wanted to pee, but she didn\’t dare to call the teacher loudly, so she held it in as hard as she could. I was timid and squeezed the little girl\’s throat tightly until she peed her pants. She just couldn\’t shout out: \”Teacher, I need to pee.\” That little girl was me. Later, the little girl went to school and became a little girl. She rarely raised her hand to answer questions. The thing she was most afraid of was being called on by the teacher. Every time she stood up to speak in public, she felt as nervous as if she were facing an enemy, with her face red and her heart pounding. Later, the little girl became a big girl, walked out of school and started working. On the surface, speaking in public is no longer a problem, and she can talk eloquently on many occasions, but only she knows that the timidity is still deep in her heart, but she has just learned to hide it and not let others find it easily. For so many years, she had always disliked the little girl who was so timid that she peed her pants, and she felt ashamed when she thought of that incident. In other words, she has never been able to accept the timid and introverted side of her character – it\’s not good, I shouldn\’t be like this. More than thirty years later, when she saw her children who did not dare to raise their hands and speak loudly, it was as if she saw herself back then, and the anger, anxiety and shame towards herself surged up in her heart. That\’s why he didn\’t act so calm. If this incident had happened a few years ago, I might have said innocently and confidently: \”I\’m just worried that my child will be too timid, so I get angry. It\’s not for the sake of my child.\” When I studied psychology, After understanding the object relations theory and understanding what \”projection\” is, I realized that the reason why I was anxious and angry with my children was because I projected what I didn\’t like about myself onto my children. Similar situations triggered my past feelings, like The long-repressed magma found a crack and burst out. In that moment, I didn’t see the child as he was, but as I “thought” the child was. On the surface it\’s the child\’s problem, but actually it\’s my problem. On the surface, he is angry at his children, but in fact he is not accepting himself. If the child does something wrong, we can guide him, education, and even criticism and punishment, but why can’t we always control our anger and yell at our children? Obviously knowing that it is just a trivial matter, knowing clearly that getting angry is bad for the child\’s psychology, but he can\’t control it and just wants to vent his emotions. Why is this? Because you didn\’t understand yourself. Because your own heart is tangled, conflicted, and depressed. You are projecting the suppressed, disapproved side of yourself onto your child. The more repressed, denied, and projected, the stronger the emotion. You think your child is timid and shy because you cannot accept your own timidity. You get angry because your child is dilly-dallying because your anxiety does not allow you to dilly-dally and you have to compete for everything. There is a kind of coldness, which is called my mother’s feeling that I am cold. The child is not cold, it is you who feel cold. Grandparents always want their children to eat more and be happy until they become fat. This is because they themselves are afraid of hunger and have a deep sense of lack. Let me tell you another story about me. Growing up, I became cautious when my mother was busy doing housework. If she is busy and I am idle, my mother\’s face will become more and more ugly, and she will start to nag. The atmosphere at home will become inexplicably depressed, and my mother\’s emotions will be on the verge of breaking out. In order to avoid my mother’s nagging and anger, whenever my mother is busy, I either help her or find something to do – I can’t be idle anyway. Later, after I got married, I found that I had become like my mother. I am busy with housework, and if my husband is idle, I will get angry. I always want to find a chance to vent my anger, and the two of us have had a lot of friction over this. Of course, I would also find something to do when he was doing housework, because I would be vaguely worried about being nagged and looked down upon. As a result, I gradually discovered that when my husband was working and I was free, his reaction was different from mine – even if I didn\’t do anything, my husband was not in any mood, his face remained normal, and he could actually cook and sing at the same time, enjoying himself very much. look. I was secretly surprised: So it can be like this? Why do my mother and husband have different reactions when I am still doing housework and I am doing the same thing? After I started to grow myself, I gradually figured it out. My mother is the eldest in the family, and she has several younger siblings. Her grandfather is not at home all year round, so she has to help her support the family. The more effort I put in, the less hard work my grandma would have to do, so I developed the habit of working hard for the family. Although she sometimes wants to be lazy and relax, she does not allow herself to be lazy. It is a sin to be idle while others are busy. Although the desire to be lazy is suppressed, it is always present. Many years later, when she was busy with her small family and saw her daughter \”idle about,\” she projected her lazy self onto her daughter. As much as she suppressed and denied herself who wanted to be lazy, she had strong emotions towards her daughter – anger, complaints and grievances. In contrast, my husband has no such experience. He does housework because he wants to do it, and when he doesn\’t want to do it, he puts it off. He allowed himself to be lazy at times and idle from time to time. So, when I was idle, he also thought it was normal, without too many strong emotions. This incident touched me very much. It’s not just about educating children. Many times, you see that others are not doing well.Eyes, because you project a certain part of yourself onto the other person. This part may be something you don’t like, it may be something you want but can’t get, or it may be something you think is bad or shouldn’t be. You suppress these dislikes, unavailability, and shouldn\’t be deep in your heart, thinking that if you deny them, they will disappear. In fact, this is not the case. The deeper and longer they are suppressed, the deeper they will take root at the subconscious level. More importantly, they affect your life all the time. You project them onto people and things outside. Those people and things are like hooks, hooking out these suppressed emotions. The more repressed, the more hooks. So you will get angry over little things, you will be indignant, and you will dislike many people and things. A consultant friend once told such a story. She once disliked a person very much. She thought he was very all-rounded and could judge the appearance of his features. But she found that other people didn\’t seem to feel this way and got along well with him. Can\’t others see what kind of person he is? She\’s always been weird. Later she realized that the reason why she disliked that person was because he brought out her inner self-confidence. Deep down in her heart, she also wants to \”make things happen\” and handle interpersonal relationships in a harmonious and harmonious way, but she is introverted and cannot achieve her ideal appearance. She hates her own \”impossibility\”, and will project her hatred onto those who can do it. She will feel disgusted with those people for no reason, thinking that it is \”disharmony in aura\”. In fact, all the \”aura disharmony\” and \”love at first sight\” are projected in it. Back to the issue of educating children. This is not to say that children should not be educated, but when losing their temper, ask yourself: Why are you so angry about this matter? What emotions does it bring out? Are you unintentionally projecting your dislike of yourself onto your children? When you become aware of your own projections and your suppressed emotions, you will break away from your emotions and realize how much is your own problem and how much is your child\’s problem. Seeing this will help you educate your children in a matter-of-fact manner rather than yelling with emotion without realizing it. Yes, discuss the matter as it is, rather than \”excusing yourself and others.\” No one is perfect, everything, including human nature, is like the yin and yang fish in the Tai Chi diagram. There is yin and yang, there is yin in yang, and there is yang in yin. This is the way of nature. Everyone has good and bad, good and evil, this is what people are. Growth begins with accepting your own imperfections. Raise yourself first when raising children. The process of educating children is also the process of our own growth. Seeing the suppressed side of yourself, acknowledging it, accepting it, and making yourself perfect and harmonious is growth. As you grow in yourself, you will see the child himself, not the child in your mind. When your heart is harmonious, your eyes will become calm, and you will no longer be easily aroused by the huge waves of emotions. So, the next time you can\’t help but lose your temper with your child, remember to recite Zhang Defen\’s words silently: \”Dear, there is no one else outside but yourself.\”