Child, with you, I dare not die! A single mother\’s tears

At about 10 o\’clock in the evening, I saw the news in the circle of friends that my elementary school classmate had left. I had heard about her condition a long time ago, and I also knew that with current medical technology, there was nothing we could do in the face of the disease. But when that day came, I couldn\’t help but feel shocked. Being in your early thirties is a good time in life. It\’s a pity that God was jealous of beauty, and a young life passed away. I dare not imagine how sad and painful her loving husband was, how her parents would shed tears in the days to come, and even more heartbroken that her child would forever lose the warm embrace of his mother at such a young age. Looking at the sleeping face of the child on the bed, I suddenly thought that if one day, I also let go and called for my mother at night and no longer responded, how lost and frightened he would be in his heart. Now I am very afraid of death. The person I used to be was not like this. In youth, people are high-spirited and yearn for a carefree life of wandering around the world for their dreams. At that time, mothers who did not understand how busy and hardworking they were at home felt that a life of losing themselves and focusing on their children all day long was boring. Later, I got married and got an unexpected pregnancy. The reaction during pregnancy is relatively severe. In the early stage of pregnancy, I was tired and sleepy. I vomited every day. I vomited whatever I ate, even bloodshot eyes. While walking on the road, I felt a hard lump on my lower abdomen. Thinking that there was a little life there, I felt not only surprised but also uncomfortable. I was going to be a mother. I have joined a QQ group with more than 300 people, and people quit it every day due to fetal miscarriage. Looking at the slowly dwindling number of people in the group, I even felt a little envious of them when I thought about having a miscarriage without vomiting. At four months, there was the first fetal movement. I have seen a lot of feelings about fetal movement on the Internet. Some people say it is like a small fish blowing bubbles, and some people say it is like a butterfly flapping its wings. I was full of expectations, but the baby was always quiet. Until one sunny afternoon, while sitting on the edge of the bed, I suddenly felt like a dragonfly poking at my lower abdomen. It was a very subtle and light movement, and I realized later that it was the baby moving. Because the fetus was in an abnormal position, a caesarean section was chosen for safety reasons. Even though I was given anesthesia, I still felt a lot of pain when the doctor opened my belly. The doctor was groping around in my stomach, and I was in pain and scared. I felt like a fish on the chopping board. When I was ten months pregnant, I never had any special expectations about the gender of my child. But at that moment, I was extremely hopeful to have a baby boy. Boys, when they grow up, they don’t have to suffer the sin of having children. Holding the soft little person in my arms, I was surprised and unfamiliar. I was busy feeding him and changing his diaper. The child was very well-behaved. He ate well, slept well, woke up to eat, and basically didn\’t cry once during the whole month. Maybe it was because the baby was too obedient and had a weak sense of presence, or maybe because of the caesarean section, I didn’t feel anything special about the baby in the past two months. Until one time when I held my child and looked in the mirror, I saw two pairs of almost identical eyes in the mirror, which suddenly awakened the strong maternal love: He is my child! Watching the child babbling, watching the child staggering while walking, watching the child wipe away the tears from the corners of my eyes with his warm hands when I cry…I have experienced too many firsts with him along the way. , only to realize that unknowingly, children have become the most important thing in life! When I decided to divorce, many relatives advised me that having a child would have an impact on my future, so I should think about it carefully.. However, after spending more than six years together day and night, although the umbilical cord of life has been cut, the emotional ties are still closely connected. Without you, my heart is no longer complete. I made up my mind to take care of my child no matter how hard or tiring it was. He had to end his marriage without any hesitation, and he was reborn in despair and pain. Finally, he turned his current life into a pot of hot porridge cooked slowly. Just add a little sugar to sweeten the day for two people. Although life is hard, I am not afraid of difficulties for the rest of my life. I believe in myself and believe that God will reward hard work. It was just the news that my classmate suddenly left, which made me toss and turn and sleepless at night. You can always find ways to cope with the ups and downs of life, but no one can escape the ruthlessness of death. If one day I become the one to leave, what will you do? Don\’t dare to think deeply or dwell on it. My child, I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid that after death, no one will be able to take on the responsibility of educating you. I brought you into the world without your consent. I am particularly sorry that I have poor vision and failed to choose a father for you that you can be proud of when you grow up. If one day in the future, I have to leave, your grandparents are old and weak, and it is already very difficult to take care of your food, clothing, housing and transportation. How can I have the energy to take on the responsibility of guiding you and educating you. Through a mobile phone, you can access countless carefully developed, novel and interesting online games. Compared with them, the study life in school is monotonous and boring, and the outside world has more various and dazzling temptations. Adults may not be able to resist, let alone a child whose mind is not fully developed. The road to learning is not easy, but every day you live seriously is building blocks for your dreams. I\’m afraid that when you are a young boy who doesn\’t understand the meaning of hard work, you will make wrong choices impulsively and give up your will to fight prematurely. As a result, your life will be heavy and hard, and you may even be driven by immediate interests and embark on an irreversible path. \”If you love your children and don\’t teach them, they will eat them with poison even if they are hungry.\” This has also become my biggest worry. My child, I am not afraid of death. I am just afraid that after death, you will no longer have someone to rely on. As a single mother, I strive to balance the relationship between work and family, continue to learn parenting knowledge, play the dual role of a strict father and loving mother, and try my best to provide you with a happy childhood. When the trivial helplessness in life makes me feel tired, and when the success of my peers makes me feel disappointed, your eyes full of dependence and love give me the warmest encouragement. Life is not easy for everyone, and the caring company of family members is the source of each other\’s confidence and courage. In the future, you will inevitably encounter unsatisfactory things in your life. I hope I will be there when you are sad. Maybe it\’s a gentle sound of comfort, maybe it\’s a concerned look, maybe it\’s a delicious meal… Only mothers are good in the world, and children without mothers are like grass. I know I can\’t stay with you forever, I just hope that when I leave you, the grass swaying in the wind and rain has grown into a big tree that is not afraid of wind and rain. Life is only a few hundred years, life is as vague as fireworks, and death is as permanent as stars. My child, I am not afraid of death, but with you, I don’t dare to get sick, let alone die. I just ask God to bless you and raise you up smoothly. If you grow up to be a self-reliant man who can take good care of yourself and face the ups and downs of the future independently, even if I have to leave you at that time,If your heart is unencumbered, there is nothing to fear. In the past, I was afraid of aging and hoped that time would pass slower. But now, I am looking forward to the day when you grow up and come soon!