Children, \”can afford to lose\” is more important than \”must win\”

Such an incident happened in Xiaobao’s kindergarten parent group. Late at night, a parent called the teacher in the group and asked why other children got candy but their own child didn\’t: \”The child cried when he came home and said the teacher didn\’t like him and he didn\’t want to go to kindergarten anymore.\” The words had just finished. On the ground, another parent immediately responded: \”My baby didn\’t get any sweets, and he also said that the teacher didn\’t like him.\” Private kindergartens charge high fees, so the teacher\’s attitude was very good: \”I\’m sorry, there were many children at that time, so the one who leaves first will I didn\’t get the candy. I will make up for it when I go to the kindergarten tomorrow. I will also apologize to the children in person.\” \”Our baby didn\’t leave early. He said the teacher didn\’t give him candy because he was talking in class.\” Looking at the group Xiaobao was busy in the room and asked Xiaobao if he had any candy. Xiaobao shook his head and said, \”The teacher didn\’t give it to me.\” Xiaobao left very late and didn\’t get any candy. Therefore, the teacher\’s statement about leaving first and then leaving was obviously a lie. , but I don’t feel angry at all. Children can only be taken care of meticulously by their parents. When we leave home, it is impossible for others to cherish our children like our parents do. It is normal for our children to be marginalized or left out. If parents cry just because a candy comes home, what parents should be worried about is not the teacher\’s imbalance, but why the child\’s heart is so fragile. Some time ago, I bought a set of flashcards for Xiaobao. The flashcards come with game tutorials. There is a game of \”grabbing word cards\” in the tutorial. In order to encourage their children, parents should let their children grab as much as possible, which is necessary to build self-confidence. At the same time, the rules of the game also stipulate that children cannot always win. Losing appropriately can train children\’s ability to accept setbacks. Appropriate losing is also necessary for growth, but in real life, how many parents have such awareness? There is a child next door, and his parents are very competitive. Their child is actually quite gentle in character, but since he was a child, his parents would never allow his child to lose, even in ordinary games among children. Once, several children were playing badminton in a competition. His child lost several times, but the child was fine. The parent was angry and kicked the child. After returning home, the parents personally served as coaches to train their children. A few days later, the children who had mastered their skills came out to challenge again, and this time they were invincible. Seeing that their child has become a victorious general, the couple\’s mood completely changed. This happened once or twice, or three or four times. Over time, no one wanted to play with that kid anymore, for one reason: he was too much to lose. Childlike innocence, in fact, it is not the children who cannot afford to lose, but the parents of the children who cannot afford to lose. Chen, a good student who excelled in both essays and studies, was admitted to one of the top ten middle schools in the country with the top ten results in the local high school entrance examination. After studying there for a year and a half, Fei made a fuss about transferring, saying that the management was too strict and he was not used to eating. . The parents were forced to transfer Chen back to a local high school. The management of the local high school was loose. Not long after Chen returned, he picked up a mobile phone like his classmates, and from then on he never knew the bottom of the Internet. Now there are three months until the college entrance examination, and my results are a mess. The reader quoted this example to tell me that the harm of mobile phones to children is true. During the communication process, he discovered another problem: the school management is strict, but if you don’t adapt, you should transfer to another school early. Why?Why should I wait until more than a year before transferring? After in-depth understanding, I discovered that it was not the mobile phone that changed Chen\’s fate, but his lack of ability to resist setbacks. Chen has always been a top student since he was a child. He has been used to winning. After entering the top ten middle schools in the country, winning is not that easy anymore. Those who can go to this middle school are basically top academics. Under such circumstances, it is rare for Chen\’s grades to remain among the top few hundred in the school. Entering the first half of high school, the school was recruiting Olympiad contestants. At that time, Chen was already struggling with her homework, but when faced with the possibility of higher and stronger efforts, she was tempted. I went home and discussed it with my parents. They found that the parents, who had long been accustomed to their children winning, did not objectively understand the reality their children were facing, but instead actively encouraged their children to participate. Chen then became a member of the Olympiad team. Children who can learn Olympiads have superior intelligence. Among this group, Chen\’s intelligence is obviously at a disadvantage. Even though she tried her best, she was eliminated in the first elimination round a few months later. This failure dealt a fatal blow to Chen, and she never recovered. Due to his poor condition, his performance was naturally unable to improve. Unable to face the declining performance, Chen began to have various outbursts. The prestigious school she once dreamed of is now worthless in her eyes. This kind of pickiness and harshness is a normal psychological defense after frustration. If parents can provide their children with correct guidance, it shouldn\’t be a problem to get through this. Parents chose the wrong way. They knew that their children could not accept the results in front of them, so they decided to find an ordinary high school, hoping to use continued \”wins\” to help their children regain their ambitions. Little did he know that the child, who had not been trained in setbacks since childhood, had been completely defeated by this small defeat. When I came to the new school, I still had no fighting spirit. In the process of sinking, I became obsessed with mobile phones, so I gave up on myself completely. Seeing a good seedling reduced to this state is a pity for outsiders, and parents are even more resentful: \”It doesn\’t matter what she does, we are completely disappointed anyway.\” The disappointment of the parents seems to be more sad than heartbreaking, but in fact , they themselves cannot absolve themselves of the blame for this disappointment. If we had not always emphasized \”winning\” with our children since childhood, and if we could realize that \”affordable losing\” and \”winning wonderfully\” are equally important to children, how could they have such a fragile glass heart? In my opinion, expressing disappointment and anger is not what Chen\’s parents should do. What they should do is how to use the current fait accompli \”losing\” to guide their children to correct their outlook on life and values, and improve their children\’s ability and wisdom to deal with setbacks. Only in this way can we truly be responsible and qualified parents who love their children. My colleague Sister Lin’s husband is very interesting. When playing chess with his son Xiaojun, he would blush over a chess piece. At first, Sister Lin was still angry: \”Are you the father or he is the father? The child is so young, why don\’t you know how to let him do it?\” Sister Lin\’s husband said loudly: \”It\’s true that I am the father, but after leaving home, No one is his father. If I give in at home, who will give in to others? It doesn’t matter whether I win or lose in a game of chess, but I want him to know that what kind of reality a person has, what kind of reality he has to accept.\” I probably encountered this kind of situation. Dad, Sister Lin’s son has been particularly capable of losing since he was a child. Usually children are togetherWhen we play games, we may not be happy when we lose, but Xiaojun is not. Every time he loses, he shakes his head like a grown-up: \”Oh, he is not strong enough, he is not strong enough.\” We all think this kid is fun, but secretly, we also feel that he has such a competitive spirit. Children who are not strong will not have any great potential. Sister Lin and her husband didn\’t seem to have much hope for Xiaojun. I usually supervise my children\’s studies very carefully, but I don\’t worry about the results no matter what the test: \”Everyone has his own destiny. As long as he has a sound mind, anything will be fine.\” In the era of exam-oriented education, such tolerant parents , very rare. There were really no surprises in Xiaojun\’s subsequent development. He went to an ordinary high school and barely passed the entrance examination of an ordinary high school after graduation. When he got to college, his grades were average, but he was very popular. After graduating from college last year, it was difficult for ordinary children to find a job, but Xiaojun was directly hired by a well-known private company. It turned out that the son of the CEO of that private company was a classmate of Xiaojun, and because of his classmates, Xiaojun went to that private company for an internship every summer vacation. He has a good personality, is down-to-earth, and has great team spirit. He gets along well with everyone. After a while, his classmate’s father took a fancy to Xiaojun: “Today’s young people are all very competitive, and they always look like they are the only ones who dance.” Xiaojun has no such problem with his posture. He is so tolerant at such a young age, which is rare.\” Our daughter repeated her studies and passed the entrance examination in a general school. We were not very satisfied, but she seemed to be happy about it. . Another child I know, a recent college entrance examination student, was admitted to a well-known 985 school in China, but he missed out on his target university because he did not give full play to his personal level. He was in so much pain that he locked himself in his room for a whole month, feeling depressed. . In fact, my daughter did not fully demonstrate her personal strength in the college entrance examination. However, she did not have such ambitions as others, and she kept telling us to look away. Comparing the two sides, I once particularly envied the painful child: \”Look at how motivated they are. With such ambition, they won\’t be very successful in the future.\” Mr. Pisces, a male, has exactly the opposite point of view to me: \”I think we My daughter’s personality is even more reassuring. How can a person always have his dreams come true in his life? Of course it’s good to win, but it’s no big deal if he loses. This is the right way to start life.” Now that my daughter has been in college for more than half a year, I am getting more and more adapted to college life. That kid actually dropped out of school and came back to repeat his studies. \”She went too far and insisted on getting into her target prestigious school. In fact, we think it doesn\’t matter, but she accepts death. What can we do.\” Faced with their child\’s choice, parents are also very helpless, but they can\’t persuade her. After returning to re-study, this child showed a spirit of hard study. That kind of diligence and hard work is frightening to see. As a bystander, I dare not think about it. What if this year\’s college entrance examination still fails to achieve the goal? , what will happen to her? Even if you achieve your goal, do you really win? For a person who is used to \”winning\”, how to face \”losing\” and deal with this negative emotion perfectly is much more important than \”always winning\”. In real life, people with high IQs are far less successful than people with strong psychology. I don’t want to lose. I always hope to be No.1 wherever I go. I am very competitive.The heart dictates it, and so does every child. There is nothing wrong with the expression of nature, but why do children with the same nature have hugely different attitudes toward winning and losing when they grow up? There are many acquired factors, one of the most critical ones is the attitude and training methods of parents. Confused and stupid parents themselves cannot afford to lose, but when it comes to their children, they will care very much about winning or losing even in trivial details. Parents who are optimistic and wise are just the opposite. Because they understand the normal development laws of life and understand that there is no real victorious general in the world, they can always take a long-term view and teach their children the correct three views from an early age: winning is worthy of pride. Be excited; losing is no big deal. Childhood and even adolescence are a critical period for the formation of a person\’s personality. During this period, blindly emphasizing instilling \”win\” is not a wise parent. Truly wise parents will subtly guide their children to adapt to various psychological situations and temper the rough children\’s hearts. In this regard, the responsibilities of outstanding parents are heavier than those of ordinary parents.