Children dawdle, procrastinate, and have no sense of time, just because their parents have not done this well

There is a long-term hot topic on Zhihu: When it is time to go to bed, and the children have not finished their homework, will you let your children stay up late to finish their homework? Children who choose homework will not get enough rest, and children who choose sleep will not be able to complete their homework, and more homework will pile up the next day! How to solve this \”dead game\”? The new angle proposed by the author of today’s article may give us some inspiration. Every year, stories and jokes about old mothers helping with homework are flying all over the place. Children still have the same problems: they either love to play and procrastinate with their homework; or they write very slowly and cannot finish their homework without staring; and some have all kinds of tricks when it comes to writing homework, and they have to fight with wits and courage. We asked all kinds of questions, tried every possible trick, even beat and scolded him, but the child still behaved the same way. What should I do? Instead of worrying about it, it is better to let the children take responsibility for themselves. Using time as rewards and punishments is a good way. If you finish writing early, play more; if you finish writing later, play less. Time is the child\’s own, and whether he or she wins or loses time is the natural consequence of his or her actions. Time is the most immediate and can be seen immediately. Children are little animals who live in the present, and immediacy is the most important. If the benefits or disadvantages of doing something are in the future, there will be no motivation. Telling your children to do their homework quickly and studying well will lead to a good job in the future is basically nothing. Saying that I will buy you toys after the final exam has only a small effect; saying that it will take a total of 3 hours, and I will finish writing in one hour and play. 2 hours, 2 hours to write, only 1 hour to play, and the results are immediate. That’s the immediate benefit of doing your homework quickly: buying yourself free time. Having a period of time at your own disposal to do what you like gives your children a sense of control and makes them more autonomous. Similarly, if you waste time, your freedom will be correspondingly reduced, and you will have to bear the consequences of \”no time\”, either sacrificing sleep to catch up on homework, or facing criticism from the teacher the next day. With these experiences of natural punishment, children will adjust their behavior on their own. Just like if he touches a stove and gets burned, he will naturally not touch it again. So, does writing faster mean you can play longer, and what is the ultimate goal of doing so? To let children know their own learning, you might say, let them develop good habits. In fact, it is not difficult to develop good habits, and children are not stupid. They can do superficial things and study at fixed points and quantities every day, but they do not take it seriously. So, the key question is, how to make children really interested in learning? We often say that children should be conscious and autonomous. What we mean is to let children learn to manage themselves. Management means knowing well. He knows how much homework he has, how long it will take to write, how much has been completed, how long it will take, what he has learned, and what he still cannot do. This is the state of autonomy. In this case, even if you don’t do your homework right after school, you can play for a while and then do it. There is no need to specify how long you should study every day. Children will evaluate their own homework and arrange their own time. At this time, time management is just the surface, and self-awareness and evaluation are the core. What a child manages is not his time, but his own learning status. This is the \”ideal child\” we want. Can the child do it? There are two points. One is to have self-awareness of one\’s own status, that is, to be clear about one\’s current situation. This is for childrenIt is not easy. Many children are ignorant when asked \”How did you learn?\” \”How did you learn?\” and \”What are the difficulties?\” The other is to have self-requirements for your own achievements, that is, to know what you want. Some children require themselves to be ranked first in the exam, while others don\’t care about their ranking and simply don\’t want to fall behind. As long as the child has expectations for himself, he will adjust himself and have self-management awareness and ability. Self-awareness is the basis of self-management. Parents should be the \”searchlight\” for their children. Regarding the theory in this regard, the book \”Burke\’s Lifespan Developmental Psychology\” has the following explanation: Research shows that stable self-awareness is the key to hard work after the age of 2. Lays the foundation for controlled organization and stability. Children who receive constant love and patient encouragement from their parents develop better self-control. By the end of the second year of life, language begins to become a powerful tool for self-development. … In early childhood, language enables children to talk about their subjective experiences, and at the same time they begin to pay attention to themselves in evaluation and begin to form a self-concept. Throughout childhood and adolescence, authoritative parenting is associated with children\’s abilities in many areas, such as optimism, self-control, persistence, cooperation, high self-esteem, social and moral maturity, and good academic performance. The popular translation of these sentences is that children\’s self-control and self-management abilities begin to develop from a very young age. Parents who love and encourage more, and at the same time set high demands and insist on implementation will help improve their children\’s self-management ability. Verbal dialogue allows children to form a self-concept. Give an example to illustrate. Let’s talk about self-awareness first. Children\’s self-understanding needs language to develop. Children\’s cognitive level is very limited. They don\’t know what state they are in when doing something or what kind of person they are. This requires us to be \”searchlights\” and often give prompts to make children pay attention to their own status. Over time, children will become accustomed to such thinking and expression. For example: Have you forgotten? Do you need to read the book again? You\’re worried that you said the wrong thing, aren\’t you? You think this formula is abstract and difficult to understand. You don\’t like playing with them, do you? You didn\’t mean to cause trouble. The teacher criticized you and you were a little embarrassed and embarrassed. This is normal. no problem, no problem. … All these inquiries and descriptions of the child’s status prompt the child to “look inward” and gain self-awareness. With more such conversations, children will learn to express their own status clearly and begin to perceive their own changes. For example, \”When I first started school, I was unfamiliar with it, I was scared, and I didn\’t want to go to school. Now I\’m not scared anymore, and I like going to school very much.\” Pride helps improve self-management. Parents should praise their children more before talking about self-requirements. Self-requirements develop self-efficacy and self-control based on self-awareness. Self-efficacy means that children are confident and proud of their abilities. This is the core of autonomy. When a person is willing to move forward, his inner drive comes from the experience of \”I can do it.\” To make children love learning and persist in learning, we must make children always feel that \”I can do it and I can learn well\”, so that children can be proud of and expect their own achievements. This requires us to \”praise at any time and summarize regularly.\” This is equal to usThe practice of \”criticizing at all times and praising occasionally\” is exactly the opposite. In fact, the more praise the better, don\’t be afraid of repetition, and praise everyone whenever you meet. Even if the child impatiently says \”Okay, okay, no need to say any more\”, he must not stop. The child is still happy in his heart. In addition, Sun Tzu said in The Art of War, \”Reward for the impossible, and order for the ungovernable.\” When applied to children, praise and rewards of varying duration and intensity are the greatest stimulation. Because of regular stimulation, the stimulation effect will weaken over time, so praise it at any time and reward it immediately. As for mistakes, it is not regular criticism, but regular summary. If you criticize regularly for a long time, your child will become skinny. So change our posture, be equal to our children, have a good talk with our children once a week, and summarize. First talk about the recent advantages, then solemnly point out the recent shortcomings, and discuss the rectification goals and methods with the child. \”Praise at any time and summarize regularly\” is not to please the children. Rather, on the premise that the boundaries are held and the child does not make a big mistake, the child is encouraged to try more and help the child explore his or her own direction. Finally, let your children take credit for their progress and achievements. Often saying to children \”It\’s all your own hard work\” not only makes the children feel \”I am making progress\”, but also \”I am progressing because of my own efforts, I will find a way, and I can persevere.\” This forms high self-esteem and has Research has found that a person with stable and high self-esteem will attribute success to his or her stable personality traits. Since then, we have completed a series of actions: through homework and the learning process, we have cultivated the child\’s growth mindset and perseverance, thereby giving him a higher implicit self-esteem. That is to say, in the picture below, through the external performance of the outer layer, the inner character and self-concept are cultivated. This wave of operations can be used as a \”routine\” for parenting, and can be used in various aspects. Children can use this idea to learn any skill, whether it is a musical instrument or sports, so that the \”external performance\” can serve the \”psychological core\” the goal of. With a stable core, it is not difficult to develop beautiful behaviors. This should be our parenting goal throughout childhood and adolescence.