Children get messed up as soon as they go on vacation, parents just need to do these \”four things\”

A mother asked on Zhihu: What should I do if my 12-year-old child plays with his mobile phone every day during the summer vacation? The mother said: The child is currently in the summer vacation of fifth grade and will enter sixth grade in the second half of the year. The child secretly took away the spare phone at home, and then stayed in his room with the door locked and played with his phone every day. The family was afraid of affecting her study, so they discussed playing with her for an hour every day, but she refused. She cried and made trouble at home, and even said she wanted to jump off the building… Summer vacation is coming, and playing tricks has become the norm for many children. Children are addicted to video games and become lazy. In fact, at this time, the child is in a \”regressive state\” and only thinks about himself and does not care about the feelings of others. If parents discipline their children forcefully at this time, it is very likely that the children will become extreme and rebellious. Someone has said that \”head-on confrontation\” is the most taboo in education. Once a child starts to behave badly, parents must not \”control\” it. Just do these four things. 01 Do not increase the negative energy of the child. Just after a week of vacation, a mother complained in the group: As soon as the child was on vacation, he would sleep and play games. She asked him to write an homework and urged him ten times without moving. I confiscated my phone two days ago, and he actually said back, \”If you don\’t let me play, I won\’t study.\” At that time, she was so angry that she scolded the child as \”sooner or later\” and \”worthless\”. As a result, the child hid in his grandmother\’s house in anger and has not come back to this day. When faced with a decadent child, the first reaction of parents is often to criticize and attack the child. Psychologically speaking, when parents are anxious and complaining, it will create an \”emotional symbiosis\” in the parent-child relationship. That is to say: if parents are anxious, their children will also be anxious; if parents sarcastically, sarcastically, and beat their children, their children will have more and more negative energy. Generally, \”degenerate\” children have the following mentality: It doesn\’t matter whether I study or not. In the eyes of my parents, other people\’s children are always better; my parents always criticize me for not working hard enough, but never care about me. The thoughts in my heart: After taking the high school entrance examination, there is still the college entrance examination, and after finishing college, I still have to work hard. There is nothing else in life, and there is no fun in life at all. Anxious parents will make their children have low self-esteem and arrogance due to negative energy. One netizen said: In the past, whenever her son made any small mistakes, she would immediately get angry and scold him. As time passed, her son became more and more resistant to her and became more and more lazy in his studies. Sometimes if she said a few words more, he would directly retort: ​​\”Don\’t worry about it! I know how to do it myself!\” Later, she saw a psychologist who said: \”Children will need a greater sense of value and achievement after they enter adolescence. Children who are already under great pressure should not give them negative energy education, otherwise it will easily trigger their rebellious psychology. \”At that moment, she suddenly realized that she had too much negative energy, which made her children lose their sense of accomplishment. Later, she stopped adding negative energy to her children and tried to educate her children to choose good aspects: if their math scores were poor, praise him for his progress in Chinese; if he was not good at sports, praise his expressive skills; accompany him to do Give him advice during homework… When she no longer puts pressure on her children, the children will take the initiative to share their troubles with her and be willing to discuss learning problems with her. When a child begins to behave badly, parents must stop adding negative energy to the child, and use less sarcasm and less blow. Rebecca Iron, an American parent-child education expert, writes in the book \”Positive Parenting\”Said: \”You have to remember that he is a good child with positive motives, but he just made bad choices. In this way, when you correct his behavior, you will do it with compassion and without damaging the child\’s ongoing development.\” On the premise of developing self-concept, help the child correct his mistakes. \”Try to use positive words to motivate the child, so that he can feel that his parents really care and love him, which will stimulate his inner \”guilt\” and thus change the child. state of ruin. Positive parenting can make children really \”move\”. 02 Stay “away” from your children. On Douyin, a mother tearfully talked about the process of her child suffering from depression. She has worried a lot about her children since she was a child. Do your best to plan your child\’s studies and arrange her life. When children were young, they also strived for success, had good grades and were sensible. In junior high school, because the children have to learn painting, eloquence, and math Olympiads, they are under great pressure. As long as she takes care of them, the children will resist and become more and more inert. In severe cases, they may even show symptoms of being tired of learning. Why do parents train their children carefully, but their children get worse and worse? That\’s because you are too \”close\” to your child. Many parents always like to control their children. The extreme case is: if we firmly believe that the child is \”disobedient\” or \”not well-behaved\”, or even think that there is something wrong with the child, we will apply more coercion and rough pressure to make the child do what we ask. As everyone knows, watching children study and live at close range consumes not only the child\’s health, but also the vitality of life. There is a theory in psychology: when we pay special attention to a certain problem, the more we pay too much attention to it and the more anxious we are to solve it, the more serious the problem will become. A good education must clearly distinguish between \”you\” and \”me\”. There was a mother who used to be too strict with her daughter. When she saw her daughter was free, she wished she could do more test papers. One day, her daughter suddenly asked her: \”Mom, if I die, I won\’t have to do my homework?\” The mother was surprised at the time. When she discovered that she was paying too much attention to her children, which disgusted her daughter, she began to \”lay down\”. She no longer interfered too much in her children\’s study and life, and started a free life of eating, lying down and reading. She no longer keeps an eye on her daughter\’s grades when she comes home every day. On weekends, she goes shopping and eats hotpot with her friends. She just says to her daughter, \”It\’s okay, just live well.\” When the mother stopped forcing her daughter, her daughter\’s grades skyrocketed. Sometimes, parents don’t need to be “selfish”. We may think that our children cannot live without us, but in fact we cannot live without our children. A child is like a kite. He can fly high only if you hold the string in your hand; if you always hold him, he cannot fly. Educate your children not to take them too seriously; \”let them grow\” and maybe they will go further. 03 Rebuilding autonomy for children A psychological counselor told a case. A boy has been idle at home since he was 15 years old. He doesn\’t want to do anything all day long, so he just stays at home and plays games. When asked to find a job, he would say that he was incompetent and had very low self-esteem. His mother hopes that he can make full use of his time and study for a college diploma by himself, so she urges the boy every day. As soon as she saw him messing around, her mother said, \”Why are you looking at your phone again? Can\’t you read a book if you have this time?\”? \”My mother signed him up for a tutoring class, but the boy refused: \”Don\’t waste your money, I won\’t go in even if you sign up!\” The mother was very angry and accused her son of \”not knowing how to cherish, and mud can\’t hold up the wall.\” The boy shouted excitedly at his mother: \”Do you think I want to live like this?\” Being scolded by you every day, I might as well die! \”Since then, the boy has been very repulsive to his mother. Every interaction is like eating dynamite, and his temper is very explosive. The psychological counselor said: This mother is too strong, so she turns the family into a battlefield. The fundamental reason why the boy behaves badly is \”Loss of autonomy\”, everything is urged by the mother, resulting in a decrease in the child\’s initiative. If you want your child to have inner motivation, you must let go and let the sense of control return to the child. I once saw an interesting experiment. A group of primary school students were asked to play a science fiction-themed computer game. The experimenter divided the students into two groups: one group of students could freely name their own spacecraft and choose the avatar that represented them. The other group of students had no choice. The characters and spaceship names in the game are pre-set. The results show that students who have choices are more engaged in the game and have more fun. This experiment also fully demonstrates that when children have choices, they will. Have more fun. The opposite of education is manipulation. Children who are restrained by the \”third hand\” have no freedom, no motivation, and it is difficult to stand on their own. In \”The Self-Driven Growth of Boys\”, Dr. Adam Price gives. Parents provide 2 methods for raising children: 1) Principles to be followed in raising children: Let the children solve their own problems and turn \”what I can do for my children\” into \”what they can do themselves\” while ensuring the safety of the children. , let him try boldly. 2) Give children autonomy in small things and let them make their own choices. Parents should try to be bystanders. When children have their own opinions, parents should respect their independent thinking. Only by providing children with the right support will their path be more stable. 04 Being a positive parent saw a video on Douyin, in which a 5-year-old boy cried and complained about his father: \”You know how to let me study every day. But you are the only one in the whole family who doesn’t study and is still playing with your mobile phone. Have you ever studied it yourself? You don’t even know how to add, subtract, and multiply tables, yet you make it so difficult for me to read. Just go to bed as early as you would at home and wake up late. You are still playing games on your mobile phone. Your mobile phone is confiscated and you are not allowed to play anymore. \”The way the child cries is really distressing. There are many parents who are living a \”double standard\” life. They allow themselves to play with mobile phones but not allow their children to play games; they allow themselves to lie down after get off work, and their children will wake up as soon as they get home. Urging him to study… There is a word in education called \”influence\”, which talks about the influence of parents\’ words and deeds on children. Every child can\’t help but imitate their parents, copy their parents\’ way of doing things, and regard it as the standard and standard of life. Role model. If there are spoiled children at home, apart from all psychological factors, spoiled parents are the key to making the children decadent. Psychological research shows that parents\’ double standards have a great impact on children, and children are prone to grievances. Children who trust their parents will develop a rebellious mentality over time, and may even use violent and extreme behaviors to fight against their parents.If your child is badly behaved, this is the biggest \”warning\” to parents who have double standards. Only active and hard-working parents can make their children full of motivation. Every successful education method starts with \”influence\”. If you ask your children to study, you must also set a good example for your children. A study once found that children before the age of 7 are complete \”sensory organs.\” They can see the whole world of their parents through their eyes and learn from their every word and action. Therefore, parents must learn to use force on themselves. Instead of spending time and energy on your children every day and trying to control every second of their children\’s growth, parents should do their own thing well. Parents’ words and deeds that shape positive energy will make their children adore us forever. 05 I have heard this sentence: Life is a process of continuous growth and branches. Parents are the roots of their children, helping them absorb more nutrients, so that the branches and leaves will become more lush. No child is born diligent, everything is the result of parental education. Children are not robots, and they will inevitably \”strike\” sometimes. If parents use the wrong method, it will destroy the child\’s life. If parents are wise, they will shape their children\’s lives. If your child behaves badly, parents remember: Don’t use violence to fight violence, reduce “self-reflection” and let him learn to support himself; reduce nagging, let him learn to take responsibility; reduce criticism and have more positive influence. Let us pass on love to our children together, which is the most beautiful education.