Children who are \”addicted to displaying things\” in adolescence will probably have this characteristic in their families. I hope your family does not.

Yesterday, a mother left a message in the background and said: Her child is in the first grade of junior high school. He usually lives in school and his grades are pretty good. But during the two months of summer vacation, the child was completely lying flat and rotten. I am addicted to the Internet every day, as if I am playing revenge. As soon as I asked him to study, he started to lose his temper and get angry. Are the children’s usual hard work and progress all fake? In fact, when a similar situation occurs, it is not that the child deliberately becomes addicted. But – there is a problem with his self-identity: he is anxious about not completing his homework, resents his parents\’ urging, and cannot control himself… Psychologist Erikson believes that the most important task in adolescence is to obtain \”self\” Identity\”. That is, children need to form a stable cognition: Who am I? Who do I want to be? This kind of exploration of \”self\” is often full of contradictions and aggression – children who are \”addicted to showing off\” may be very anxious that after entering adolescence, the child will \”lay flat\” and \”display\” in stages. For example, during summer vacation and weekends, I either play games or watch videos all day long. A few days ago, in a parent group, a mother complained that her child would go to bed and play games as soon as the holidays were over, and she would be asked to write a homework, even if she was urged to do it ten times without moving. The child\’s mobile phone was confiscated, and the child hid in his grandmother\’s house in anger and never came back. Later, I heard from my grandma that the child actually cried and complained: \”Anyway, they call me useless whether I study or not. Why should I study!\” \”I also want to study well, but I am criticized every day, which makes me very discouraged.\” When the child behaves badly, Parents feel that their children are ruined and cannot be saved. As everyone knows, this is a sign of a serious lack of psychological energy in children, and they are really anxious. Why do children appear to lie flat and feel discouraged? There are two reasons: First, the difficulty of learning in junior high school has changed, and children cannot adapt to the \”cliff drop\” in their grades. When Ping Pong first entered middle school, he was always listless after school. I found out after asking the head teacher that his grades had dropped a lot. I was always in the top five in elementary school, but now I\’m in the top 20s, so I definitely can\’t accept it. When entering middle school, children not only have to adapt to the new environment, but also the difficulty of learning. If you don\’t get timely encouragement, it\’s easy to become discouraged and collapse. The second is the physiological changes in adolescence, imbalance of physical and mental development, and prone to anxiety and internal consumption. Adolescent children develop rapidly physically but are still in the budding stage mentally. When external learning pressure and parental pressure reach a certain level, children will give up struggling. The final step is to cut off some of your good energy to get rid of anxiety. High expectations and high competition lead to delayed identity in children. During adolescence, children have a very important task, which is to be rebellious. Rebellion is a normal phenomenon in adolescence. Only children who are successful in rebellion can form clear values ​​and self-awareness and achieve \”identical maturity.\” However, not all children can successfully rebel. Children who fail to rebel will suffer from premature synopsis, delay, etc. Those children who are addicted to showing off, are anxious, internally consumed, and demanding perfection are typical representatives of identity delay. The conditions that cause a delay in children’s identity include: 1. A family space dominated by high expectations. There is a question on Zhihu: How do parents with high expectations overwhelm their children? There is a highly praised answer, which is said by a mother: \”High expectations, high standards, highThe demands forced my child into depression. From being anxious and tired of studying to quitting school, if I had understood her better at that time, would I be in college now? \”Three-high\” families can easily cause children to fall into a state of tension and anxiety. Cognitive deviations will also occur in self-identity, and children will doubt themselves if their grades drop slightly. Over time, they will lose the motivation to act and become sluggish and depressed. 2. Competition-oriented learning environment Professor Qu Jingdong of Peking University said: Today’s education puts every child in competition at every moment. Starting from kindergarten, children are arranged by their parents to compete in various interests. After entering primary school and junior high school, children start to crazily test scores and take part in competitions. From a growth perspective, children almost only have learning, without any real recognition of meaning and value. . Without independent thinking space, it is impossible to complete self-understanding, self-reflection, and self-adjustment. In this environment, it is impossible for self-identity to mature smoothly and provide energy to support growing up in this era of high competition. Individuals may not be able to change the educational environment, but as a parent, actively improving the parenting model and providing energy to the child is the best way to help the child achieve self-identity and maturity. 1. Understand the root causes of the child\’s inner conflict. It will make you feel uncomfortable, but if you don\’t want to hear and face the truth, then the child will never get out of the dilemma. The most basic point is to change the perception: don\’t take it for granted that the child is not motivated, learn. Talk to the child on an equal footing. Understand the child’s true inner thoughts through bedtime chats, family meetings, etc. Temporarily accept the child’s current situation without criticizing and blaming the child, allowing the child to relax and reduce rejection. 2. Repair the parent-child relationship and restore 90% of family functions. The above parents all know that the root of children\’s problems stems from the family atmosphere. Are you willing to change this environment? This is the key to the problem. Sun Yirong, a family education instructor, said: The first key is for parents to change. Anxiety, high expectations, and unstable life state. Always remember that the parent-child relationship is the foundation of everything. 3. Accept children and repair self-trauma. All education returns to the essence, which is unconditional love. It’s because they lack psychological energy and don’t know how to identify themselves. For a child who lacks self-acceptance, parents’ acceptance is extremely important. In addition, being always anxious about the child’s failure shows that the parent himself is also mentally damaged while repairing the child. Your own energy is equally important. Only by being a non-anxious parent can you save your child from lying flat. I wish your child will be full of energy soon!